florence18
- Date posted
- 3y
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y
i am so glad i found this post. i deal with the same thing. any time anyone mentions being confused about their sexuality or if i find another female attractive i become so anxious. i am in a healthy loving relationship ans have been for almost two years, and i am so romantically and sexually attracted to my boyfriend, but there are times i’m so consumed by my intrusive thoughts i feel like i should just end my relationship. i know i’m not gay because the thoight of a same sex relationship doesn’t bring me happiness, it brings me anxiety. sometimes i just try to find reasons that my intrusive thoughts are true and it feels so real. it just makes me break down and cry.
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y
I relate to this wholeheartedly. It feels like it’s just a never ending cycle of self doubt. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time as well. Hopefully we can all get the proper help
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous honestly just knowing that other people experience the same thing makes me feel better already. and so does just opening up about it. we’re all taking the first step we need to in order to feel better ❤️
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi there, I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this right now. I’m currently struggling the same exact way that you are. Feeling like I’m lying to myself and in denial when I know who I am authentically. It’s especially hard right now because I have a boyfriend who I’m so in love with and I just want all of my intrusive thoughts to stop. I don’t have an answer for you because I’m also new to the idea of having sexual orientation OCD, but I experience almost all of the symptoms of it, but I just want you to know you’re not alone. Although it’s really hard, maybe it’s comforting to know we’re both experiencing it. I believe everything will be okay one day for both of us.
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y
It really is the worst feeling in the world. Honestly I think ive dealt with this since I was a young teen, I’m 25 now but finally understanding what OCD is and looking for proper treatment. I completely get the fear of talking to people about it because they might think you’re in denial. I’ve dealt with that for a while, even so when I was younger. I would just cry to my mom and not know what to tell her because my mind would tell me I was gay even though that didn’t feel right. So then I didn’t know what to say because what would I say? That “I’m scared I’m gay even though I know I’m not?”…it was so hard. As I got older I naturally developed attraction and romantic feelings towards men, especially in college so those fears and thoughts kind of subsided. But for some reason they’re back with a vengeance and making me feel like my whole life is a lie. Sorry I’m writing a novel about this, I’ve just never spoken to someone who might be dealing with the same thing I have been dealing with. Anyway, are you okay?
florence18florence18
- Date posted
- 3y
Thankyou for writing that! It helps to know your not alone.. I feel like I’m constantly in fight or flight. I’ve dealt with so many types of ocd but HOCD is back and it feels so much stronger which is making me think maybe it’s for real this time . And Yeahh I can’t talk about it so you just lock it up and deal with it alone. I really hope you get through this quickly It’s so so much easier to talk abojt jt on here because people here understand the feelings of fear you get from these thoughts Hope your okay!!
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y
@florence18 Yeah I’m realizing I’ve dealt with many other subtypes too when I look back at my obsessions/compulsions over the years. The HOCD one just always tends to come back because it feels like it could be the most real. And agreed, it’s nice being able to talk about it on here, especially without judgment or misunderstanding. Hope you’re okay as well!
ChristineKJ ChristineKJ
- Date posted
- 3y
You definitely are not alone! I'm 25 and married and dealing with this. This has been such a godsend, a place to connect with people with the same subtype and not have people barrage you with questions or assumptions. I avoided ERP for SO long but now that I'm in it, it's been amazing. I'm always here to chat! You've got this!
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi! It brings me hope to hear that ERP has helped you. How long did you deal with OCD before getting help?
ChristineKJ ChristineKJ
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous About a year and a half. I had no idea it was OCD because I'd never experienced it before to that level. I was SOA afraid that ERP would somehow confirm my fears or a worst case scenario would come true. I still struggle with that sometimes. But ERP has absolutely been worth it so far so I want to keep persevering as best I can with it.
WhyMe?WhyMe?
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi there, I also struggle from the same themes and thoughts pattern. You can look into my profile for more info. Im a female and identify as straight & im engaged to my fiancé who I am so in love with. Despite the blurry lines of how ocd makes me feel, I know who I am authentically and I know that he’s the one I’m in love with. I know that I don’t ever want to be with a female but I also know how this subtype can try to lie to us. But knowing all of that doesn’t mean that I’m not scared that it’s not OCD and or “denial”. The feelings is especially hard to accept & can cause confusion. Like all of us suffering, we just want these intrusive thoughts to stop and go back to being normal. Keep on fighting and you know who you are authentically.
OCD33OCD33
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi thank you for sharing. Did you struggle with this theme as a kid?
OCD33OCD33
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
I’m engaged to the love of my life and this is taking all of me 😭
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y
@OCD33 Thank you for sharing as well, I experienced this theme as a kid (probably starting around 12 years old) and I’ve been ruminating over it the past few days. It’s been really taxing mentally. All I know is I love my boyfriend and the thought of anything ever changing scares me and makes me so upset. But the OCD thoughts always make me overthink. Hoping to do some ERP soon
WhyMe?WhyMe?
- Date posted
- 3y
@OCD33 Hi! No I did not. I’m 28 now but this theme popped up last year. It disappeared completely with the first 2 flare but this year it came back stronger. This is the only relapse that has truly took a toll on me. Congratulations on the engagement! It’s always refreshing to hear when people with these themes are also in a relationship. Keep fighting for your person! Wake up and continue choosing that person. It’s hard and it’s not fair but we have to do what we can, there’s no other way out. Maybe they’ll be able to perform surgery or give us a magical pill to fix these brains in the future 🤷🏻♀️
florence18florence18
- Date posted
- 3y
I’m so glad you’ve commented!! That’s why I’m so scared of getting into a relationship or even being near boys at the moment. I can’t imagine how your feeling.. I really hope your okay! It’s literally the worst feeling in the world 😭 It’s also so hard to talk about to anyone who isn’t going through it.. in case they say ‘sounds like your in denial’ How long have you been having the intrusive thoughts?
Related posts
Ellie.
- Date posted
- 25w
I’m begging ANYONE help I can’t take it anymore!!
I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???
geodrimilis
- Date posted
- 14w
I need this to end.
I’ve completely lost myself. I can’t focus on my studies, I can’t go to the gym. Dang it I can’t even be around my male friends normally anymore. I got no idea why or how this happened but the only thing I know for sure is that I never questioned my sexuality neither doubted it. I never cared in general. I just liked girls. I keep testing and keep testing and keep testing my arousal but no matter how many times I see but I don’t feel the same way for guys that I do with girls my mind will always try to make me believe that I am gay. It’s like it’s forcing me into an identity I never asked for. But at the end of the day like my psychologist told me. Sexuality doesn’t change. So since I never felt anything for guys in my life it’s ocd. I’ve been up and down for 5 months now and while the last week I was feeling way better. Monday now and I’m back to zero. I just want to go back when everything was normal. I can’t keep living with this.
vaiiolyn
- Date posted
- 14w
Lesbian with Sexual Orientation OCD
I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?
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