- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
i am so glad i found this post. i deal with the same thing. any time anyone mentions being confused about their sexuality or if i find another female attractive i become so anxious. i am in a healthy loving relationship ans have been for almost two years, and i am so romantically and sexually attracted to my boyfriend, but there are times i’m so consumed by my intrusive thoughts i feel like i should just end my relationship. i know i’m not gay because the thoight of a same sex relationship doesn’t bring me happiness, it brings me anxiety. sometimes i just try to find reasons that my intrusive thoughts are true and it feels so real. it just makes me break down and cry.
- Date posted
- 3y
I relate to this wholeheartedly. It feels like it’s just a never ending cycle of self doubt. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time as well. Hopefully we can all get the proper help
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous honestly just knowing that other people experience the same thing makes me feel better already. and so does just opening up about it. we’re all taking the first step we need to in order to feel better ❤️
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi there, I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this right now. I’m currently struggling the same exact way that you are. Feeling like I’m lying to myself and in denial when I know who I am authentically. It’s especially hard right now because I have a boyfriend who I’m so in love with and I just want all of my intrusive thoughts to stop. I don’t have an answer for you because I’m also new to the idea of having sexual orientation OCD, but I experience almost all of the symptoms of it, but I just want you to know you’re not alone. Although it’s really hard, maybe it’s comforting to know we’re both experiencing it. I believe everything will be okay one day for both of us.
- Date posted
- 3y
It really is the worst feeling in the world. Honestly I think ive dealt with this since I was a young teen, I’m 25 now but finally understanding what OCD is and looking for proper treatment. I completely get the fear of talking to people about it because they might think you’re in denial. I’ve dealt with that for a while, even so when I was younger. I would just cry to my mom and not know what to tell her because my mind would tell me I was gay even though that didn’t feel right. So then I didn’t know what to say because what would I say? That “I’m scared I’m gay even though I know I’m not?”…it was so hard. As I got older I naturally developed attraction and romantic feelings towards men, especially in college so those fears and thoughts kind of subsided. But for some reason they’re back with a vengeance and making me feel like my whole life is a lie. Sorry I’m writing a novel about this, I’ve just never spoken to someone who might be dealing with the same thing I have been dealing with. Anyway, are you okay?
- Date posted
- 3y
Thankyou for writing that! It helps to know your not alone.. I feel like I’m constantly in fight or flight. I’ve dealt with so many types of ocd but HOCD is back and it feels so much stronger which is making me think maybe it’s for real this time . And Yeahh I can’t talk about it so you just lock it up and deal with it alone. I really hope you get through this quickly It’s so so much easier to talk abojt jt on here because people here understand the feelings of fear you get from these thoughts Hope your okay!!
- Date posted
- 3y
@florence18 Yeah I’m realizing I’ve dealt with many other subtypes too when I look back at my obsessions/compulsions over the years. The HOCD one just always tends to come back because it feels like it could be the most real. And agreed, it’s nice being able to talk about it on here, especially without judgment or misunderstanding. Hope you’re okay as well!
- Date posted
- 3y
You definitely are not alone! I'm 25 and married and dealing with this. This has been such a godsend, a place to connect with people with the same subtype and not have people barrage you with questions or assumptions. I avoided ERP for SO long but now that I'm in it, it's been amazing. I'm always here to chat! You've got this!
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi! It brings me hope to hear that ERP has helped you. How long did you deal with OCD before getting help?
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous About a year and a half. I had no idea it was OCD because I'd never experienced it before to that level. I was SOA afraid that ERP would somehow confirm my fears or a worst case scenario would come true. I still struggle with that sometimes. But ERP has absolutely been worth it so far so I want to keep persevering as best I can with it.
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi there, I also struggle from the same themes and thoughts pattern. You can look into my profile for more info. Im a female and identify as straight & im engaged to my fiancé who I am so in love with. Despite the blurry lines of how ocd makes me feel, I know who I am authentically and I know that he’s the one I’m in love with. I know that I don’t ever want to be with a female but I also know how this subtype can try to lie to us. But knowing all of that doesn’t mean that I’m not scared that it’s not OCD and or “denial”. The feelings is especially hard to accept & can cause confusion. Like all of us suffering, we just want these intrusive thoughts to stop and go back to being normal. Keep on fighting and you know who you are authentically.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi thank you for sharing. Did you struggle with this theme as a kid?
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
I’m engaged to the love of my life and this is taking all of me 😭
- Date posted
- 3y
@OCD33 Thank you for sharing as well, I experienced this theme as a kid (probably starting around 12 years old) and I’ve been ruminating over it the past few days. It’s been really taxing mentally. All I know is I love my boyfriend and the thought of anything ever changing scares me and makes me so upset. But the OCD thoughts always make me overthink. Hoping to do some ERP soon
- Date posted
- 3y
@OCD33 Hi! No I did not. I’m 28 now but this theme popped up last year. It disappeared completely with the first 2 flare but this year it came back stronger. This is the only relapse that has truly took a toll on me. Congratulations on the engagement! It’s always refreshing to hear when people with these themes are also in a relationship. Keep fighting for your person! Wake up and continue choosing that person. It’s hard and it’s not fair but we have to do what we can, there’s no other way out. Maybe they’ll be able to perform surgery or give us a magical pill to fix these brains in the future 🤷🏻♀️
- Date posted
- 3y
I’m so glad you’ve commented!! That’s why I’m so scared of getting into a relationship or even being near boys at the moment. I can’t imagine how your feeling.. I really hope your okay! It’s literally the worst feeling in the world 😭 It’s also so hard to talk about to anyone who isn’t going through it.. in case they say ‘sounds like your in denial’ How long have you been having the intrusive thoughts?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 21w
I tried checking if I like gay stuff and it’s genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, it’s always the same response, I don’t get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I don’t think that I am magically turning gay. I don’t think my orientation is changing or hasn’t been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so it’s not that I’m homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I don’t get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that it’ll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl I’ve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I don’t remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things we’ve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so it’s not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didn’t have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldn’t stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasn’t going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldn’t stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldn’t find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, “Maybe this isn’t a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did so”. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I can’t feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but it’s always been a struggle for me to believe. I can’t go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I can’t find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasn’t vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just can’t destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.
- Date posted
- 20w
I can't look at 18+ videos, comics, etc. I am straight, but SO-OCD tries to make me think I am not And the thoughts turns to feelings, and makes me scared, uncomfortable, sad, because I know this is not me. And when I try to imagine myself being with the woman on adult videos, and comics, my OCD gives gronal response not at the girl, and it fills me with fear, and anxiety, I always loved, and was attracted to women but I can't and it caused me to be depressed, and I keep ruminating I keep trying to focus on her, but it's so bad that I avoid those all the time now. I am wondering has anyone gone through something like this, or currently is, and wondering how you have done to combat this!
- Date posted
- 13w
Hey everyone, I’m reaching out because I’ve been going through one of the hardest mental spirals of my life, and I’m hoping someone can relate or shed light on what’s happening to me. About 4 months ago, I accidentally came across a trans porn scene. It didn’t do much at the time, but later it triggered this overwhelming intrusive thought: “What if I’m gay?” Since then, it’s been absolute hell. I’ve always been into women—emotionally, sexually, everything. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with a girl I love deeply. But after that moment, my brain started spiraling into nonstop analysis. I began checking how I felt around men, whether I felt attraction, whether I was in denial, whether I was lying to myself. Literally everything became a test. I got stuck in this loop: • A thought pops in → panic • Try to solve it → brief relief • Another thought → worse panic • Repeat. At times, it got so bad I couldn’t feel anything at all—toward my girlfriend, toward women, toward myself. I started doubting everything. Some days, I feel emotionally flat, like I’ve lost my personality. Other days, I wake up with a full-body jolt of “truth” like “I’m definitely gay”—only for it to fade into numbness again. I’ve also noticed that I get short bursts of peace when I stop reacting, but then the fear comes back louder, like “See? Now you’re accepting it. That means it’s true.” Therapy hasn’t helped much so far—it felt more like general counseling. They told me to sit with the thoughts, but didn’t clarify if this was OCD, identity questioning, or trauma. That just made it worse because now I’m back to thinking “What if I’m just rejecting my truth?” I’m exhausted. I’ve lost connection to everything I used to love. • I want to love my girl again the way I used to • I want to feel desire without overthinking • I want to trust myself again I’m not looking for reassurance—I just want to know if anyone else has gone through something like this, and if this sounds like HOCD or identity OCD. Thanks for reading.
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