21 F, been dealing with pocd for a while now. My pocd mainly revolves around fear of being attracted to teenagers. I’m afraid some of my sexual fantasies suggest that i am a monster even though i would never do anything with anyone underage in real life. I have a lot of fantasies involving guys losing their virginity because male orgasms arouse me and losing your virginity seems like the biggest orgasm one has. Most guys lose their virginity around 16-18 and movies that i’ve used with sex scenes involving losing virginity to fuel some visuals for these fantasies have the characters around 16-18 typically in high school (even though the actors are of age). I have no real life interest in taking someone’s virginity, in fact these fantasies don’t even involve me i’m not even in them and i’m usually just focused on how the guy must feel. im queer and think i generally prefer women, male orgasm fantasies (about virginity or just any other male orgasm) and such are just the quickest way for me to orgasm, and i have to fantasize to orgasm. I’d like to think these fantasies about male orgasms are related to my gender issues, i was a huge tomboy growing up and now feel as i identify with being genderqueer. So i think this explains the fantasies as part of me would find it sexually exciting to lose my virginity but as a guy. when i lost my actual virginity it was very underwhelming and i don’t really enjoy the sensations of having sex with a man. My ocd has made me really worry i just have some sort of teenage boy fetish and that’s why i have these fantasies. Any advice on how to combat these thoughts and fears would be helpful.

I thought I'd gotten over sexual obsessions, since they haven't been bothering me at all until I had a flare up yesterday. I usually struggle with masturbation due to a combination of both anorgasmia from SSRI medication along with intrusive thoughts, so I thought that an adult film should work fine and went on the hub as per usual. Everything went well until I "finished" and looked at the video title afterwards. My stomach dropped as the title had the word "teen" it in. I felt nauseous and gross because I'd previously struggled and became horrifically suicidal due to the pocd I thought I had under control. Now I know that by the word teen, it means an adult actress that's 18-19 and I'm only 20. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm gross for watching and that it was illegal material, even though I am fully aware that it wasn't, so I've been ruminating over it endlessly. This is more of a vent, but I feel like all the progress I've made with my ocd just went down the drain ☹️

Ive dealt with pocd for a very long time now and it gets more real as time goes on. I was watching a movie and I’ve read the books so I knew there was a kiss scene coming up.The actors and their characters are children but I was basically looking forward to the scene. Then as they were kissing, it looked kind of weird and mechanical because again the actor was technically still a child. And I let myself indulge and enjoy it, of how someone young was doing something sexual and adult like. Idk I feel like a fuckikg creep but I don’t WANT this. There was nothing intrusive about this, it’s just something creepy that I’ve done. I keep ruminating about it but still. I don’t identify myself by this mistake but it still sucks. My mind then went to children that I know, one girl and one boy, and them separately doing sexual things for the first time and navigating that and it feels like I like it but I don’t. It’s not as real as the movie scene because the fact I enjoyed the scene WAS real but it’s still stressing me out.

I have no idea anymore. I guess this all started with me worrying about whether I was gay, then whether I was a P, then worried about being just attracted to teenagers. After that I started freaking out about not feeling “grown up” enough. Like “I’m an adult wtf is wrong with me for seeing someone who is probably younger and thinking they’re physically attractive. Then I started overthinking not finding older adults (like 30 or 40) very attractive. Like ofc I’m probably not gonna find them attractive, they’re not anywhere close my age. Maybe the desires are half real. Maybe as a 21 yr old young adult I do find older teenagers (16+) somewhat physically attractive. I still think it’d be weird to date one. Maybe that’s the normal reaction I’m supposed to have. If not, please let me know. I just don’t wanna do anything illegal one day and I’m super scared I will. I can’t tell if the fear is my just being afraid of the law though, in which case I might actually just be a bad person. I hate that my brain is just rationalizing thoughts now. I feel like I can’t do the ERP thing of “just accept that the thoughts are there but don’t engage.” Like what? How can I just think a thought that might be so integral to my identity and just ignore it? If it’s all true and I don’t like people my age anymore then I have to know and plan around that, that could change my entire life. I’m rambling, my b.