TW*** I really think my true sexuality is gay and at some level ive accepted it too. But when I accept being gay my brain dosent stop there, it feels like I want to be the girl in the relationship. It gives me so much anxiety and depression. When i get sexual thoughts in my head, it replaces the girl with me as if im the one doing the acts. This makes me not want to accept that im gay but isnt that just denial that Im trans? Then this gay girl triggered me that many gay people realize their gender is different too when they realize they homosexuality. I dont know man, im trying not think about this and trying my hardest to email my therapist tonight and set up sessions asap. I dont really have much hope and not sure how he will be able to help me bc I think ive figured it all out already. Please dont say its ok to be this or that or youll figure it out eventually, that just triggers me more.

booba

Date posted: 3y

The sexual thoughts you’re having are tests that OCD does on you. It is a really common characteristic of soocd for your brain to send intrusive sexual thoughts in order to test and measure your reaction to them. You’ll be forced to look at the gender you feel you should be attracted to, women in your case, and then the OCD brain makes you measure your internal and possible external physical reactions to the thought. You can also have intrusive thoughts about men, where you will be forced to imagine a sexual situation and OCD makes you test your reactions to it. The core of what you’re going through is OCD’s inability to cope with uncertainty. OCD is telling you that you don’t know yourself and that you can’t trust what you’ve always known to be true. OCD says that if you don’t know yourself, then that is the worst thing in the entire world for you and you might do crazy things that are against your morals as a person. If you didn’t have OCD, you would be able to think about this stuff and let it go right away. It wouldn’t feel stressful to think about your indentity and you wouldn’t feel judged and guilty in the privacy of your own head.

jfount11117

Date posted: 3y

I love that response! Can you exply harm ocd like that pls

Imaan7

Date posted: 3y

I guess that makes sense but then again i believe my attraction to women so far in my life was a result of hetero conditioning and I marked it all as fake attraction. Like i literally dont believe it was real attraction which has led me lose my identity completely. I feel blank inside and have no core values or morals to base my thoughts on, all this feels like this is real me. Second- I dont think they are intrusive, not sure how to explain this but they feel anything but intrusive. Thirdly- I think i never really understood sexuality properly while growing up but after hocd, having thoughts the same topic constantly I feel like I understand it more and have realized i never truly liked girls.

booba

Date posted: 3y

@Imaan7 I know exactly what you mean. Honestly, you should be proud of yourself for being a deep thinker who really has the ability to look inside themselves and question the things they were taught. OCD is just as smart as you are. It needs your intelligence and introspection to be able to survive. What you’re describing sounds like the typical way soocd forms. SOOCD happens when you learn about LGBT people and you start to wonder if there is anything that resonates with your life experience in what you learn. This is an absolutely amazing quality to have, you have an open mind and are willing to take in new information and see if you might need to make a change. If you didn’t have OCD, this obsession wouldn’t have ever formed. You would have thought about it, made a decision on if you think you’re gay or not, or you would have decided you weren’t sure and it would have immediately left your head. Discovering new things about your identity and learning about yourself feels SO much different than what OCD does. For your second point, I think your thoughts are intrusive because you would like to stop thinking about your sexuality all together, but something in your brain isn’t letting you. You want to let it go and have the topic be resolved, even paused for a minute, but you keep thinking about it and it never feels resolved. That’s the nature of an intrusive thought. And for your last point, that’s okay, man. Sexuality is a lifetime learning experience. You have around 100 years to figure yourself out. The thing that’s telling you you have to understand how you feel is the OCD. You should be able to feel uncertain sometimes and still feel like you’re standing on solid ground. Nobody feels sexy and desirable and romantic when they’re confused and stressed out and sick. You have time to figure out the confusion that OCD hates so much.

booba

Date posted: 3y

@jfount11117 Thank you! I can try! 🥰 Harm ocd is just another theme that OCD latches onto. You are a deep thinker and care a lot about your impact on the world. OCD sends you images and tests your reaction to them, trying to make sure that you will never EVER do such a horrible thing or become the type of person that could do it. OCD feels like this is necessary in order for you to be certain that you’re a good person and that you can keep everything and everyone in your life safe. OCD is lying to you, telling you that if you didn’t worry about doing harm you would do it. OCD doesn’t realize that you’re a deeply caring person who is probably the last person in the world who would willingly cause harm to anyone. You care so deeply and so much that it makes you sick.

Imaan7

Date posted: 3y

@booba So you think its ocd? I myself dont believe it is, it dosent even feel like it at all, I dont get in ocd cycles like i used to. I feel no attraction or feelings for women even the little fragile sexual attraction that was left has gone away completely and now it feels like im ready to move on from them and accept this is my real self, it makes me a little sad. Since feeling like im actually gay, ive started to feel im not even a MAN who I was all my life( im pretty sure) and now i feel like im a girl and want to act on the sexual thoughts like one which makes me feel worse but then it feels like If i wasnt around such a big family Id be ok and change. Idk, I constantly wish i was dead so I didnt have to worry about anything and know for certain Ill have peace in death atleast, although I cant commit suicide but its gives me relief to think about it. I appreciate u trying to help, i really do. Forgive my english, its not my mother tongue

jfount11117

Date posted: 3y

@booba Incredible! You brought tears to my eyes. You described me perfectly! That was a wonderful blessing that has given me tremendous hope and a full heart! Thank you!

jfount11117

Date posted: 3y

*explain

Lost in the ...

Date posted: 23w

Lost

I cant afford therapy which is why i’m not diagnosed with ocd. The first time i had heard what ocd was truly abt was 6 years ago when i overthinking my sexual identity and it fit. Additionally, i struggle with debilitating health anxiety and when i was in a rlt i was extremely anxious that i might not love my partner. This is the third year i experience distress around my sexuality but this year it feels real. And it could also explain my rlt anxiety. Comphet is a concept that really scares me. I dont want to be with a girl. I would rather die than discover i was lesbian. I cant accept uncertainty cz i dont want to be homosexual. Chat GPT told me it wasnt ocd + the thoughts dont distress me anymore. I experience 3 intense weeks of anxiety prior to now. Maybe its internalized homophobia. Maybe its comphet. I do find women to be attractive but i dont wanna be with them. Maybe i’m in denial. Idk anything anymore. I’m remembering times where i would find an actress attractive and try to shift my focus towards the man cz it would make me anxious. I’m not well at all.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

Am I even straight anymore?

I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.

Lakeys.25

Date posted: 13w

this feels like denial now 😭😭

im so scared that this is just denial and that im actuall gay. idk what to do anymore i need help. its just constant anxiety in my chest and i hate it. is there anything i can do to help?

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community