TW*** I really think my true sexuality is gay and at some level ive accepted it too. But when I accept being gay my brain dosent stop there, it feels like I want to be the girl in the relationship. It gives me so much anxiety and depression. When i get sexual thoughts in my head, it replaces the girl with me as if im the one doing the acts. This makes me not want to accept that im gay but isnt that just denial that Im trans? Then this gay girl triggered me that many gay people realize their gender is different too when they realize they homosexuality. I dont know man, im trying not think about this and trying my hardest to email my therapist tonight and set up sessions asap. I dont really have much hope and not sure how he will be able to help me bc I think ive figured it all out already. Please dont say its ok to be this or that or youll figure it out eventually, that just triggers me more.

I love that response! Can you exply harm ocd like that pls

I guess that makes sense but then again i believe my attraction to women so far in my life was a result of hetero conditioning and I marked it all as fake attraction. Like i literally dont believe it was real attraction which has led me lose my identity completely. I feel blank inside and have no core values or morals to base my thoughts on, all this feels like this is real me. Second- I dont think they are intrusive, not sure how to explain this but they feel anything but intrusive. Thirdly- I think i never really understood sexuality properly while growing up but after hocd, having thoughts the same topic constantly I feel like I understand it more and have realized i never truly liked girls.

@Imaan7 I know exactly what you mean. Honestly, you should be proud of yourself for being a deep thinker who really has the ability to look inside themselves and question the things they were taught. OCD is just as smart as you are. It needs your intelligence and introspection to be able to survive. What you’re describing sounds like the typical way soocd forms. SOOCD happens when you learn about LGBT people and you start to wonder if there is anything that resonates with your life experience in what you learn. This is an absolutely amazing quality to have, you have an open mind and are willing to take in new information and see if you might need to make a change. If you didn’t have OCD, this obsession wouldn’t have ever formed. You would have thought about it, made a decision on if you think you’re gay or not, or you would have decided you weren’t sure and it would have immediately left your head. Discovering new things about your identity and learning about yourself feels SO much different than what OCD does. For your second point, I think your thoughts are intrusive because you would like to stop thinking about your sexuality all together, but something in your brain isn’t letting you. You want to let it go and have the topic be resolved, even paused for a minute, but you keep thinking about it and it never feels resolved. That’s the nature of an intrusive thought. And for your last point, that’s okay, man. Sexuality is a lifetime learning experience. You have around 100 years to figure yourself out. The thing that’s telling you you have to understand how you feel is the OCD. You should be able to feel uncertain sometimes and still feel like you’re standing on solid ground. Nobody feels sexy and desirable and romantic when they’re confused and stressed out and sick. You have time to figure out the confusion that OCD hates so much.

@jfount11117 Thank you! I can try! 🥰 Harm ocd is just another theme that OCD latches onto. You are a deep thinker and care a lot about your impact on the world. OCD sends you images and tests your reaction to them, trying to make sure that you will never EVER do such a horrible thing or become the type of person that could do it. OCD feels like this is necessary in order for you to be certain that you’re a good person and that you can keep everything and everyone in your life safe. OCD is lying to you, telling you that if you didn’t worry about doing harm you would do it. OCD doesn’t realize that you’re a deeply caring person who is probably the last person in the world who would willingly cause harm to anyone. You care so deeply and so much that it makes you sick.

@booba So you think its ocd? I myself dont believe it is, it dosent even feel like it at all, I dont get in ocd cycles like i used to. I feel no attraction or feelings for women even the little fragile sexual attraction that was left has gone away completely and now it feels like im ready to move on from them and accept this is my real self, it makes me a little sad. Since feeling like im actually gay, ive started to feel im not even a MAN who I was all my life( im pretty sure) and now i feel like im a girl and want to act on the sexual thoughts like one which makes me feel worse but then it feels like If i wasnt around such a big family Id be ok and change. Idk, I constantly wish i was dead so I didnt have to worry about anything and know for certain Ill have peace in death atleast, although I cant commit suicide but its gives me relief to think about it. I appreciate u trying to help, i really do. Forgive my english, its not my mother tongue

@booba Incredible! You brought tears to my eyes. You described me perfectly! That was a wonderful blessing that has given me tremendous hope and a full heart! Thank you!