Imaan7
- Date posted
- 3y
boobabooba
- Date posted
- 3y
The sexual thoughts you’re having are tests that OCD does on you. It is a really common characteristic of soocd for your brain to send intrusive sexual thoughts in order to test and measure your reaction to them. You’ll be forced to look at the gender you feel you should be attracted to, women in your case, and then the OCD brain makes you measure your internal and possible external physical reactions to the thought. You can also have intrusive thoughts about men, where you will be forced to imagine a sexual situation and OCD makes you test your reactions to it. The core of what you’re going through is OCD’s inability to cope with uncertainty. OCD is telling you that you don’t know yourself and that you can’t trust what you’ve always known to be true. OCD says that if you don’t know yourself, then that is the worst thing in the entire world for you and you might do crazy things that are against your morals as a person. If you didn’t have OCD, you would be able to think about this stuff and let it go right away. It wouldn’t feel stressful to think about your indentity and you wouldn’t feel judged and guilty in the privacy of your own head.
jfount11117jfount11117
- Date posted
- 3y
I love that response! Can you exply harm ocd like that pls
Imaan7Imaan7
- Date posted
- 3y
I guess that makes sense but then again i believe my attraction to women so far in my life was a result of hetero conditioning and I marked it all as fake attraction. Like i literally dont believe it was real attraction which has led me lose my identity completely. I feel blank inside and have no core values or morals to base my thoughts on, all this feels like this is real me. Second- I dont think they are intrusive, not sure how to explain this but they feel anything but intrusive. Thirdly- I think i never really understood sexuality properly while growing up but after hocd, having thoughts the same topic constantly I feel like I understand it more and have realized i never truly liked girls.
boobabooba
- Date posted
- 3y
@Imaan7 I know exactly what you mean. Honestly, you should be proud of yourself for being a deep thinker who really has the ability to look inside themselves and question the things they were taught. OCD is just as smart as you are. It needs your intelligence and introspection to be able to survive. What you’re describing sounds like the typical way soocd forms. SOOCD happens when you learn about LGBT people and you start to wonder if there is anything that resonates with your life experience in what you learn. This is an absolutely amazing quality to have, you have an open mind and are willing to take in new information and see if you might need to make a change. If you didn’t have OCD, this obsession wouldn’t have ever formed. You would have thought about it, made a decision on if you think you’re gay or not, or you would have decided you weren’t sure and it would have immediately left your head. Discovering new things about your identity and learning about yourself feels SO much different than what OCD does. For your second point, I think your thoughts are intrusive because you would like to stop thinking about your sexuality all together, but something in your brain isn’t letting you. You want to let it go and have the topic be resolved, even paused for a minute, but you keep thinking about it and it never feels resolved. That’s the nature of an intrusive thought. And for your last point, that’s okay, man. Sexuality is a lifetime learning experience. You have around 100 years to figure yourself out. The thing that’s telling you you have to understand how you feel is the OCD. You should be able to feel uncertain sometimes and still feel like you’re standing on solid ground. Nobody feels sexy and desirable and romantic when they’re confused and stressed out and sick. You have time to figure out the confusion that OCD hates so much.
boobabooba
- Date posted
- 3y
@jfount11117 Thank you! I can try! 🥰 Harm ocd is just another theme that OCD latches onto. You are a deep thinker and care a lot about your impact on the world. OCD sends you images and tests your reaction to them, trying to make sure that you will never EVER do such a horrible thing or become the type of person that could do it. OCD feels like this is necessary in order for you to be certain that you’re a good person and that you can keep everything and everyone in your life safe. OCD is lying to you, telling you that if you didn’t worry about doing harm you would do it. OCD doesn’t realize that you’re a deeply caring person who is probably the last person in the world who would willingly cause harm to anyone. You care so deeply and so much that it makes you sick.
Imaan7Imaan7
- Date posted
- 3y
@booba So you think its ocd? I myself dont believe it is, it dosent even feel like it at all, I dont get in ocd cycles like i used to. I feel no attraction or feelings for women even the little fragile sexual attraction that was left has gone away completely and now it feels like im ready to move on from them and accept this is my real self, it makes me a little sad. Since feeling like im actually gay, ive started to feel im not even a MAN who I was all my life( im pretty sure) and now i feel like im a girl and want to act on the sexual thoughts like one which makes me feel worse but then it feels like If i wasnt around such a big family Id be ok and change. Idk, I constantly wish i was dead so I didnt have to worry about anything and know for certain Ill have peace in death atleast, although I cant commit suicide but its gives me relief to think about it. I appreciate u trying to help, i really do. Forgive my english, its not my mother tongue
jfount11117jfount11117
- Date posted
- 3y
@booba Incredible! You brought tears to my eyes. You described me perfectly! That was a wonderful blessing that has given me tremendous hope and a full heart! Thank you!
jfount11117jfount11117
- Date posted
- 3y
*explain
Related posts
Lakeys.25
- Date posted
- 24w
this feels like denial now 😭😭
im so scared that this is just denial and that im actuall gay. idk what to do anymore i need help. its just constant anxiety in my chest and i hate it. is there anything i can do to help?
anonymous00981
- Date posted
- 24w
Can someone talk to me please
I am very depressed right now. I really feel like maybe I’ve always been a lesbian and never knew. I never questioned my sexuality when I was young, never wanted to explore, I just was straight and didn’t think anything about it, that’s just what it was. I had my first soocd spiral in late high school but didn’t have a name for it, just that I was having intrusive thoughts and it was killing me that maybe I was gay. I can’t exactly remember how I got out of that but I continued to have crushes, talking stages, and dated. It went away and that was that I guess. Looking back now I definitely was still avoiding content and certain people, and still had intrusive thoughts but didn’t think I was gay. I guess they were less sticky. Something about me is that I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m a virgin. I’m very shy and romanticize things like I love the relationships and scenarios I read about or that I see in movies or the thirst traps online haha. So I want that irl but am disappointed when that doesn’t happen. I have a very interactive daydream (started when I was 13 and still continued that fantasy world now too) with a boyfriend, friends, and a prettier version of me. I enjoyed making up scenarios about sex or romance in those daydreams and fantasies, but when it came to real life, I would get shy or scared when things were starting to get serious with men. I thought maybe this was an avoidant attachment style but now I’m not sure. I never considered female fantasies and I still don’t want to right now. I want to test and see which one I like better, but I’m afraid I’ll find that I’m a lesbian and I really don’t want that. Ive always imagined myself with a man but now I’m worried about comphet. I’m really depressed and I can’t tell because yes, I find some women attractive whether it’s their makeup, face, body, aesthetic, but I never thought that meant I was attracted to them in a sexual or romantic way until this spiral. Now I’m afraid of masc lesbians and pretty women because it triggers me. But I’m also afraid because I feel like I can look at attractive men, but I don’t feel the same way anymore. I can’t even daydream about them bc then my brain inserts a woman. I’m really scared that I’ve lost myself, because I truly feel like I have, but I don’t want to explore with women, I just want to like men, I’ve always liked that idea. But so many lesbians talk about liking celebrities, fantasy men, or just attractive men. Sorry for the rant but I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel like all my memories, even the ones that directly contradict being a lesbian, can be explained away by comphet, internal homophobia, denial, suppression, etc. When I do try and accept uncertainty, sometimes it feels ok, but then something will trigger me and I’m back at square one. I’m afraid if I take my meds I’ll discover something about myself that I don’t want to because I’ve always been depressed and avoidant of life because it never lives up to my expectations. My sexuality is on my mind 24/7! I can’t take it!
g_rangel
- Date posted
- 24w
spiraling again.
i had recently been triggered to have so-ocd. its been on my mind non-stop. (i am a heterosexual female) and my mind has been all over the place questioning if i have been in denial the entire time. ive always had people tell me they sort of got that vibe it it never really affected me until my own mother had her suspicions. so i would constantly get triggered un public around the same gender, while knowing my true sexuality. ive always been attracted to men but as of recently ive been having super bad anxiety to where i cannot eat or sleep and feel weak all the time. it was like that for a week or so. now im in the calm where i have been trying accept the uncertainty but it still isnt fair as im getting triggered. im a little worried because it feels like i have been lying to my parents the entire time although ive never had the desire to be with the same gender. and i keep getting intrusive thoguhts that make me feel anxious and uncomfortable. its all starting to affect my friendships as im constantly getting triggered with the intrusive thoguhts. i feel a little less anxious compared to how i was a couple days ago. im really scared on why im having these thoughts now when i have been having romantic feelings for a guy the past year or so. ive also been struggling with false attraction and loss attraction to men. it makes me feel uncertain of my life the entire time
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