It’s so difficult to try and just be normal around others. I have Primarily Obsessional OCD and it mainly revolves around relationships (I’m single so in this case mainly my friends), as well as health, both physical and mental, and meta-obsessions that involve obsessing about obsessing or just ruminating about my OCD in general. I have Graves Disease and OCD, both of which I would consider “invisible illnesses” in that looking from the outside in 90% of people wouldn’t be able to tell I have these apart from a goiter in my neck that most wouldn’t really notice and me being skinny and borderline underweight for my age. When I’m with others, I always feel so stuck in my head, like I’m observing the interactions around me rather than participating. When I meet someone new, I’ll constantly be thinking of how I’m going to tell them about my health and how they will react, and I usually won’t even mentioning it because it’s completely irrelevant to the situation. Or maybe I’m with a close friend or group of friends, and I’ll spend the entire time analyzing or ruminating about every little thing that happens. My close friend sat next to someone else and not me? They must not like me anymore. All my friends are laughing and having fun while I’m silently sitting there? I’m DEFINITELY not feeling alone because I’M not interacting with THEM, but THEY must not like doing things with me because they just don’t like me. My friends actually try and interact with me? Oh no I’m sorry I’m busy being flooded with thoughts so I’ll just continue on ruminating, half present and unable to actually enjoy the company that I long for when I’m alone with my thoughts. I’m in therapy and we’re working on ruminating less and other things but it’s so hard when every interaction with others has the potential to trigger me, and when I’m alone I’m constantly ruminating as well. I never see anyone talk about ROCD in a context outside of being in a relationship, but it’s been making it so hard to build relationships with others and so easy to ruin them. I’m even terrified that I will never be able to get in a relationship because my anxiety will get the better of me and I won’t be able to do the things I want like what happened in my first relationship back in school (as society has made that the mans job in most relationships). I feel so isolated and alone at times, and even if there’s others I can reach out to and talk to, nobody ever understands. Even if they do, they can only hear about it so much before they start getting tired of me venting and obsessing. I just wish it could stop and I could meet someone who I am able to connect with, and NOT start obsessing over them 24/7 to the point I make them uncomfortable by talking too much and oversharing, or conversely by isolating myself. Sorry this was so long, it’s been rough lately and my exams are starting to come up this week and it’s been so hard to study when I just can’t focus on the things I want to focus on, or be motivated enough to not just sit here ruminating. I just needed to vent. If anyone else is going through something similar, you have all of my unending support and I hope things get better for you, just as they hopefully will start to get better for me. I invite you to share your experiences as it may help someone scrolling by who feels alone, like nobody else has these thoughts, as nobody really talks about this form of ROCD (as in outside of serious relationships) on these forums.