So now I get really anxious when I see pictures of my partner because it feels like I don’t find her attractive at all. And now I’m having a panic attack over it. It feels like I don’t want to see her at all now

I just don’t know what’s going on anymore. It feels like everything would be easier if I just accepted that my HOCD thoughts are true. I don’t want to but it feels like that’s the only way everyday it feels like that’s the only way

@BradOCD Trust me , I tried that , it doesn’t help , because the next day , I was having erections by looking at women doing things with themselves and I knew that I was straight again , but then the next day the questioning began all over again , it’s this whole questioning that is so annoying

@2022Recovery Wow really? Ngl whenever I try and accept the thoughts it makes me have visions of being happy with my partner but then that makes me feel really uncomfortable

Now I’m panicking that my attraction to men has always been there and my attraction to women developed because I was scared of my sexuality. But well idk I can’t do this anymore I’m having a massive melt down

@BradOCD You don’t have to figure that out today. You don’t have to figure it out ever actually! There’s no rules to this stuff. If you love your girl, you love her. Let’s Just say you can figure it out tomorrow, or next week. For now let’s just be uncertain about it. And that’s okay. For now, enjoy Christmas, have a good time

@Anon1294 But when people say that to me I feel like I what they’re really saying is “your gay but you need time to come to terms with it”

@BradOCD I understand because my brain does the same thing. I have nearly recovered completely because I literally tell myself maybe I am bisexual and if I do end up being that, no big deal. The second I took power away from it, the fear stopped. It was shocking actually. Take the power away from the fear of being gay…. And you’re going to deal real straight again!

@BradOCD The key to OCD is literally playing a game with your brain to trick it into not obsessing over the fear

@Anon1294 Idk that seems impossible I know that If I do that I’ll just be okay being gay. There’s too much evidence saying that I am gay everyday I think of more. It feels like I want to be okay with it now and I don’t I really don’t but I know I will be it’s only a matter of time I need to hold onto what I’ve got left I can’t accept it… I’m sorry I’m really having a panic attack

the resisting by nature, makes it worse. You felt in love because you are in love. I don’t want to give you reassurance because someone with ocd it’s like a drug to us. It doesn’t make us better it makes us keep looking for more once it wears off. Grit your teeth and say it out loud, I’m gay. Say it over and over until you don’t give a f-ck whether you are or not. Tell your girlfriend you have HOCD, and explain what it does and how you suffer.

@Anon1294 But what if I say it to the point where I’m not scared of it and then want to be gay. Does that make sense? Sorry for being like this I’m really thankful for all your help

@BradOCD You’ve hit the nail on the head! The fact you don’t want to say it in case of you being gay is the whole point of HOCD! I was reading through your paragraphs earlier and I can’t emphasise how much they mirrored myself from the summer. I’ve come to terms to just accept that it could be a possibility and just sitting with the thoughts. Couple of seconds later, doing something else, they’re gone for the day!

@BradOCD Okay so there’s two scenarios that may happen if you try to expose yourself to your fear of being gay: 1. You start to accept that being gay wouldn’t be so bad. Or being bi may be. And when the anxiety subsides you realize it was never attraction it was just anxiety and OCD. All false attraction goes away and you’re able to see clearly. 2. You realize maybe you truly are bi or gay, but exposing yourself to your fear makes you finally enjoy your life and be happy. You escape the clutches of this terrifying feeling, you are able to relax and love your girlfriend while loving and accepting yourself. Or, you end up being gay and taking your time to figure out what that means moving forward. But either way you are safe, you can choose what you do with your own life. Nobody chooses for you.

@Anon1294 I just feel like the 2nd one is what’s really going to happen 😞 I wouldn’t mind being bi I just want to feel love for my girlfriend again but I can’t I feel empty. I hate this horrible disease

@BradOCD I do too , and trust me I’ve been there thinking the same thing. But the first thing happened

@Anon1294 I know I shouldn’t ask for reassurance, but it just feels like I’ve only ever been focusing on men when viewing sexual content even tho I can think of many times when I was focusing on the women, I’d say 80% of the time I got turned on it was to a women but there have been a few times it was while looking at a man? And just in life I always naturally found women attractive, it’s not like I would force myself it think my way to it. Idk it just seems too real

@Anon1294 Same!

@Mathematician😊 I wish I could help you

@BradOCD Oh no Brad, I meant I had the same experience as Anon1294!

@Mathematician😊 Oh okay so you don’t relate to what I said? I knew it was just me being in denial

@BradOCD Don’t you worry, I completed understand what you’re feeling. I was exactly the same as you. I still get moments to this day, hence why I’m on the app today after not touching it for 2 months! But honestly, know that you’re not alone. A part of me still believes I’m in denial. But who cares? Learn to sit with the thought and don’t get it power. See it as a thought and not a fact

@Mathematician😊 Thanks you! I will try. I think from what I said above about sexual content just had me completely convinced that I’m just in denial and in the closet? Is it normal to feel like you’re just in the closet?

@Anon1294 How long does it take for the first 1) to happen because I’m trying what you suggested and it really just feels like the 2nd) is happening

@BradOCD It takes time. But you need to do a variety of things. I started openly and loudly supporting the lbgtq community, I watched shows and videos with gay/lesbian people in them instead of avoiding them. I watched stories about people coming out. I watched tik toks about them, and the biggest thing I did was “come out” to my husband and mom with HOCD. The way they reacted- so calm and accepting… it healed every stupid ass fear I had about it. I was accepted, I was loved, I was IN-LOVE, and I was unconditionally accepting myself. What else did I have to fear? My husband didn’t leave, he helped me through it and he even told me sometimes he feels a little bi. The fears you have may look like ginormous mountains but they’re tiny mole hills in reality. And no, you don’t have a different case. I was in your spot. Panicked, shaking, sweating, gagging over the posibility that I was gay. I’m not

@Anon1294 Wow. That’s amazing

@Mathematician😊 You will get here. I promise.

@Anon1294 How long would you say you’ve been free for?

@Mathematician😊 I have been starting to feel free for about a year, and I’m 27. I’ve been suffering with this on and off since I was like 16-17

I sometimes find that My brain is just never happy. When I find a man attractive I have a panic attack when I find a women attractive (they turn me on a lot more) it feels like there’s no emotion behind it anymore? It feels like I either have emotional attraction or sexual attraction and now they never align anymore. Maybe my relationship was making me feel in love and happy because it fulfilled my compulsion. But I found the sex really fun surely a gay person wouldn’t find it fun?!?!?

*It’s also normal

Yeah same. Rumination is a choice though. As hard as it is to resist.