So my obsession for the past few days has been what I’ve been focussing on when watching sexual content. So I realised that when i first started watching it I was always looking at the female and never the men, I went through a short stage during adolescence of finding men attractive. But then and idk what happened I just started finding women a lot more attractive and if I ever found a guy attractive it would make me feel uncomfortable. I soon developed a porn addiction again always focused on the women, this started to flux between me then focusing on the guy. As I got older and got more interested in girls I basically stopped watching porn all together and would get turned on by women or pictures of women that I saw. I would want to ask them out, dream about them, fantasise about them etc…But if I ever went back to porn it’s like an addiction would kick back in and I’d focus on whatever was the most Sexual. Throughout all of this I never once thought I was gay, I was straight and wanted to be with women. I was confident, had close male friendships but always wanted romantic relationships with women. I found my partner and was immediately attracted to her, but I still had a porn addiction which made arousal during sex very difficult. I feel like my issue with HOCD is based on a porn addiction, because I still find women attractive but it feels like the attraction towards men is sometimes forced? Or I just assume I will because my HOCD has made me so used to checking? I know this is a long message but I just want to know if anyone can relate? It gives me a sense of relief when I think about the women I’ve found attractive and I can’t really remember growing up finding any men particularly attractive, like I would notice their attractiveness but it would always be with envy “I wish I looked like that” because I always had very low self esteem. But when I found a girl attractive I would want to impress them and flirt etc… I’d imagine this sounds a lot like denial to some people but I don’t think it is… When I have a clear head I can actually remember how turned I would get by my partner, when we first got together we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and I loved it! It made me feel like me. And yes maybe it did make me feel more of a man, but I think that’s just through my gaining a confidence that I had not had before. When I look at it like this I realise how irrational my HOCD is. They’re some things it could use as evidence and right now it feels very real. But now I’ve calmed down a bit after my panic attack I can add these things together and see how I’ve been lead to this place. And I can see how the ocd tries so hard to work. I can also see how the mind works a lot more. But as I get to the end of this message I can feel the rumination kicking in. For example it’s now saying “look you can’t find any time you were attracted to a women” even tho I definitely can.