Just constant intrusive thoughts of guys being “sexy” without anxious feelings... and even more intrusive thoughts of me wanting it when I don’t... 😭😭😭

I really wish I had read this earlier. I just feel like I’ve accepted my HOCD is true now and it just makes me feel numb and not happy. But I guess some of the anxiety has gone. I would rather the anxiety than this acceptance

@BradOCD Are you seeing a therapist/doing ERP? Feeling numb is a typical OCD thing. I get it all the time. It really sucks. Seems like you've gone down the thought spiral. Don't let it consume you.

@k-low It has consumed me… I feel consumed. It’s just so true I’ve managed to think myself gay. That’s how it feels anyway. Idk what to do

Ruminate all day

@Sparker1289 Just got off call with my partner and her family for Xmas and literally felt nothing! No love no nothing and it just feels like I don’t care.

@BradOCD Oh man, I'm falling into that trap right now. I feel like my girlfriend is better as a friend than a lover yet she is so open about her love for me. It is horrible

@Sparker1289 Yep my girlfriend seems to fall in love with more and more and I seem to be falling out of it. I feel like this is just me realising my sexuality and I hate it. Whatever I had before even if it was fake I loved it and it made me happy and confident and calm

@BradOCD 100% agree. Not sure how to proceed at this point in time.

@Sparker1289 Neither am I, it feels like there’s only one way out of this trap

Do they know about your situation??

Oh yes, this is how I'm feeling as well. Gotta make it through the holidays. I wouldn't recommend breaking up with someone who brings you so much joy but....I can't imagine this getting any better while I'm in the depths of it

@Anonymous Mine does, although she doesn't believe it's OCD. She believes it's part of my childhood sexual abuse trauma.

@Sparker1289 You have to fight for yourself and her! It looks very dark right now but you have to trust in the light you cannot see just yet :)

@Anonymous Same to you @BradOCD

@Anonymous I appreciate this...I am definitely trying as hard as I can right now.

@Sparker1289 Hey man how are you doing

@BradOCD Pretty good man. I'm not out of this mess. Luckily my "girlfriend" is amazing and continues to reassure me how much she loves me and enjoys our intimate times...like, a lot. Its funny to think that I'm going through this and seem to be really good at sex with women. My woman also seems to really enjoy the type of person I am which I had to remind her I'm not the stereotypical male who watches sports, works on his car and all that jazz. I am learning to love myself again by being me and knowing that there's more power in being someone who can see themselves as a friend AND lover. Unfortunately I still feel cautious in our relationship because I'm dealing with rumination but urges and things like that have gone down. How are you sir? I am attempting to stay away from these forums but I appreciate you reaching out. I can go on and on about all of this.

@Sparker1289 I’ve tried starting to accept the idea of being bi and it has given me some relief but still makes me uncomfortable. I’m trying to get my attraction back to the opposite sex and it’s been quite sedated through the rumination and checking urges. Hoping that things start to look up with my girlfriend.

@BradOCD From what I am understanding, the more you try and look for that attraction, the farther away it gets. I enjoyed some reassurance I gained from my CSA therapist who is a gay man himself. He said he doesn't see me as gay, he said bisexual is as far as he would imagine me being. Even though one person's opinion is just that. But it felt good lol!

@BradOCD I hope things look up for you and your girlfriend as well. You deserve it. Id recommend you get off these forums for a week or two and see how it goes... I feel like we're in very similar spots in our recovery so I enjoy when you reach out. But you also need to devote some more time to work, hobbies, exercise and your girlfriend. Sitting here in these forums just propel the rumination in my opinion.

@BradOCD Want to hop on a ZOOM call at some point?

@Sparker1289 Yeah that sounds good!

@BradOCD You available now?

@Sparker1289 Not right now but I should be tomorrow if that’s good for you?

@BradOCD Perhaps. I have to pick up my son. What's the time for you right now, you're in UK correct?

@Sparker1289 Correct. It’s 21:03 here in the uk

@BradOCD 1304 here. I can probably be available 0800 at the earliest my time.

@Sparker1289 That would be 12:00 here which is good 👍🏾

@BradOCD Lets go! I know some people in my Reddit community were interested. I'll save that for a later time.Looking forward to opening up some dialog on all of this.

@Sparker1289 Hey man, unfortunately something has come up so I won’t be able to zoom at 08:00/12:00 today. Let me know if any other time works for you!

I would love for it to be there again somehow. As I have said, this woman is the pinnacle of the kind of woman I would be happy marrying