Hi, I wanted to talk about what I’m going through right now in the hopes that I’m not alone in my frame of mind and hopefully give others peace of mind and strength like we all have to have in ourselves going through OCD. 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 [might be kinda long, sorry] So rn I’m going through false memory/real event relating to POCD. The Situation: So the way I think I remember it is that I was about 14 (I’m 21 now) and I’d heard that my sister’s boyfriend had a daughter and I believe I may have seen a photo of her briefly or may have just seen her not so well from afar or something like that (if I even saw her at all) and from a young age she’d gotten dressed up and put alot of make up on as her mother encouraged and so I guess she looked older than she actually was. And I remember I masturb- at the thought of her one time and I think the next day I met her and saw that she was younger than I thought (about 7 or so I think) and didn’t even think about it just automatically thought “oh yeah no, not what I thought, just a mistake” and automatically didn’t even think about it at all after that for many years. [Then fast forward to a few weeks ago, I had my big brake down due to another POCD trigger from searching if you can stumble across illegal porn without knowing it(as I thought you could only access that stuff from the dark web or something) which led to many other thoughts and obsessions, however I’m doing better with that obsession now.] So You can imagine that this memory came up during my breakdown and I guess it’s the thing I am most stuck with now. Through my OCD, it got me thinking horrible thoughts like: “What if you are remembering it wrong?you don’t remember it very well so it’s possible” “What if you were older” “What if you had evil intentions” “You know what you did” “You’re a “p”” “You don’t deserve any happiness and you should live life just helping others while doing nothing for yourself” “You are truly worthless now and you’re going to get what’s coming to you” Researching my themes of OCD, they explain exactly what I am going through and I also understand that it latches onto early sexual development as well as the fact as I have had some trauma with my sexuality as a kid as I was Bi growing up in a place with no tolerance of anything gay which has led me to probably be abit less confident about sexual themes. I am with NOCD tryna get this sorted as I still feel abit stuck and am still battling the thought that my life may have just been forfeited and it’s actually worthless now, that my soul is corrupted (even though I’m not religious). As most of you on here will know. This kind of pain is unbearable especially when I feel like I have done something wrong or that I was a monster and I just don’t remember. But I’m staying strong and trying to get to grips with my OCD recovery and I hope the rest of you are doing the same! Please don’t be afraid to comment, talk about anything. I’d be honoured to have a chat with anyone about it (questions, your own experience, anything) Thank you if you took the time to read this 🙏💙💙💙

So I know I've talked about my fear of being hacked/watched without my knowledge and at the same time that same fear has also made me scared that i've said incriminating things or confessed to a crime I didn't commit out loud without realizing and that this person (who probably doesn't even exist) is going to use it against me in the future and ruin my life. To the point where I've covered all my device cameras. Yeah, I know. Incredibly outlandish. Anyways. The past few months it's just been my brain convincing me that my life is over or that it's going to end and not just end, but like I'm going to lose everyone that I love because of said "incriminating things" though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Of course, there's a part of me that realises that this is really unlikely because I'm not that important of a person for someone to lie in wait for decades and decide to ruin my life just because though I don't doubt that there are people like that out there (i really hope they're few and far between). However, there's another part of me that also really believes that this is all true. And sometimes I wonder if I'm going insane. Coupled with what I believe are false memories, the anxiety has been taxing every day. And I find it hard to sit with uncertainty because this worst case scenario terrifies me. I'm scared of being unloved and abandoned and also deathly afraid of being perceived as a bad person. And of course, also scared of being a bad person and my brain is convinced that I must be. Anyways. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. I wanted to share because I know that OCD or I guess any kind of mental illness (whatever it is I'm suffering from if it isn't OCD) likes to convince us that our fears are too niche and that this worry wouldn't be present if it wasn't real. OCD likes to use that as proof. I've learnt though that there are many people like me on this app, and even though it's still scary, it makes me feel less alone. It can be very tiring and honestly sometimes I ask myself how I'm still here even though it's been a few months and some people on here have experienced episodes like this for years or even decades. I keep hoping I'll wake up one day and it will be like this never happened. If you've taken the time to read this incredibly long waffle session of mine that's more like a drawn-pit diary entry, thank you. And if you feel comfortable with sharing, please do :)

This is my first post on this app, though I made this account back in late September of 2021. I grew up in a toxic environment, and was mentally abused by my parents, included being taken advantage of because of my autism. I’ve been suffering from OCD as long as I can remember. Ever since I was a child, I’ve sometimes had thoughts that scared me, and I’d often try to find ways to calm myself down. I’ve had thoughts over the smallest and silliest of things, but as time went on, these thoughts suddenly became more violent, like wanting to step in front of moving car while waiting for the bus, or grabbing a knife on the dinner table and using it to stab a family member. Even thoughts of death and what happens afterwards scared me. Aside from being afraid of a kids horror show for a while, OCD did bother me at points in my life, but they never severely crippled me… until my teenage years. Throughout my teen hood, I would very occasionally suddenly imagine fictional child characters being SA’d. I would also sometimes imagine children getting injured while noticing them sometimes. I didn’t know why those thoughts popped up into my head and they would weird me out, but I would be able to usually push them aside and not think about them too much… but it got worse after I was dropped out of high school without my consent by my parents. In March of 2017, I was at a gas station when I saw a child and imagined doing a disgusting action with them. It freaked me out immensely and sent me into a panic attack. I was able to calm down from it shortly after, but I think it planted a seed into my brain, and it would launch a horrific attack on me the very next month. Me and my family were driving around a town for a special occasion when I had the worst OCD attack I’ve ever had. Every child I saw, I imagined doing something disgusting to them. I was having a full blown panic attack and it honestly felt like my mind itself was being sexually assaulted by this horrifying thoughts. This incident scarred me mentally, and to this day, I’m still afraid of being around anyone younger than me. I tried researching what these thoughts could mean, and I found out about these being symptoms of OCD. After talking with a psychiatrist a month later, I was diagnosed with OCD. For a while, I thought I’d be okay from that point. I thought I could conquer this on my own… but by early 2018, I was still struggling. I eventually came out to my older sibling and parents about what I was dealing with. They thankfully didn’t ridicule me, and did help me with getting a therapist. The first visit with my therapist went alright, but I was an emotional mess after finishing the session. The next time I went in however, I was seen by someone else because my therapist was out. The man I saw honestly felt condescending, and he basically made go to a group therapy session. The group therapy didn’t help in the slightest, and with more toxicity developing in my family afterwards, I stopped going after the group therapy. I did see my therapist at least once I think, but that was it. Ever since 2018, I was silent about my OCD. I was just hoping that someday I’d be free of my shackles both from my mental illness and my toxic environment. Two years later though, a friend (now partner) of mine heard about my family’s living situation and wanted to help get me out of there. I first visited them in 2021, and thankfully I stay with them for the most part. That being said, I was still worried about opening up to them about my OCD. I did talk with them about general OCD from time to time, but never got into P OCD… until last year finally. I opened up them fully about it, and both they and their mother told me that they weren’t upset, and that they understood where I was coming from. I think that genuinely helped me out, and I don’t feel as anxious as I did before. Just yesterday, I finally talked about my OCD to my older sibling (they’re super supportive and understand our parents toxicity). I was genuinely nervous about telling them for a while out of fear of them either abandoning me or ratting me out… but they understood. They were accepting and didn’t ridicule me at all. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders… and honestly, I think I might have the courage to speak up on this app finally and hopefully find a therapist who can help me. I’ve been suffering with P OCD for over 8 years now ever since I was 18. I just recently turned 27 a few days ago. I’ve been suffering in silence for so long due to trauma, fear, and PTSD. But now, I think I want to take a step forward and get onto the road to recovery. It most likely won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight, but I feel relieved knowing I have people who love and support me, now that I’m in a better environment.

Yup! Been like this February,worst Part is that I was intoxicated and in a bad place my thoughts were going totally insane,my 8 year old niece spend the night with me and my intrusive thoughts were telling me to molested her and all of the above ☝🏻 I do remember staring at her for a while and thinking 💭 If I did something to her she would probably say it or she would wake up,it gave me a good sense of relieve but now and since then …I can’t fully remember if I did,just for the”hmm let’s test this out and see if she would actually wake up” kind of like those,,,I wonder if u pull a dogs tail he would turn around and bark or bite me,trust me…shit like that would backfire at you and I haven’t really been at peace since then…I try to also control My self and try to use uncertainty but to be honest the vision and memory are so real like very vivid as if it happens so for me it did happend and I feel Horrible,I currently in my mid 30’s and these thoughts lash out f nowhere since I was 26,somehow I knew how to manage them,I would Do Compulsions as avoiding my niece and any type Of kid,I would Get extremely paranoid when I had to change her diapers and could do something to harm her.i never been attracted to children in my life,yes! Unfortunately i was molested sexually as a kid by a man from ages 6-9 and one of the things that would Kill Me and trigger me would be the fact that I wonder why? Why do they do that why ? What do they feel ?! And for my disadvantage….im Like the kid that you tell Them”don’t push that red button or else…🚨🧨💣🤯” and guess what?! My Hyperactive dumb ass is still Gonna push the button cause I wanna know what the hell is gonna happend for my self,and I feel that I did something g that I will regret my whole Life! Sometimes when I’m calmer I think with logic and see things from another perspective but then ocd and paranoia kicks in and it’s exhausting and mentally draining!so Guess what?! It sucks! This sucks! to live like this and having to live with the …”what ifs,did I or Did I not!?” But u aren’t alone friend just know theirs plenty of us out there Worst part of all this i havent been able.to fill in the gaps and it makes me.feel like a monster,did i molested my niece in her sleep,what if.my intentions were actually bad,im the kind of person that a thought can be morbid and I have tp figure it out,so when I think to my that I do something it's because I was clearly thinking okay let me.tedt.my self or see if I do feel.something and that shit will backfire on you BAD! Because then I will think*what kind of a human being on earth wpuld.do something like that?!* and it triggers me bad,I mean really bad like anxiety and panick attacks and not wanting to live with my self with this guilt!idk if there's someone else out there with a case like this bit if their is please dont make me feel that im alone, not looking for reassurance just support