I feel completely and utterly convinced now! I hate it but how can I keep denying it? Maybe this is just a new me trying to get out because it feels like it would be the easier option. Each day it gets harder to hold onto what I thought was the truth. It’s ripped me apart and put me back together again in this new pattern. The excitement and joy I used to feel about spending the rest of my life with my partner has been torn away and swapped for this anxiousness. Like I do want to stay with her but then something is shouting at me saying “but you’ll be living a lie, you’ll be suppressing yourself, it’s not fair on her, you’ll be happier if you just embrace that you must gay.” It feels like the easy way out is to admit defeat and be gay. I know I find women attractive and I think a lot more than men. But idk I feel like I’m just telling myself that To make myself feel better. I see an attractive women and feel attracted to them and then I just can’t see myself with them in a non friendship sense. Which is how I used to feel about men. I would fantasise about being best friends with a man that I was friends with. Like I’d joke about them being my best man or something. But then I would always be happy dreaming about a girl to spend the rest of my life with and have children with etc… I used to love talking about that with my partner. I really did. And then ROCD hit and then a few weeks in HOCD hit like a brick. And it hasn’t gone for months and basically hasn’t got any better. And I’ve ruminated and dug so deep that I’ve found all the evidence my ocd needed to make it’s point. Thanks a lot… for ruining everything and worst of all making me believe you. You always knew I was scared and now you’ve come back to get me.