tw It genuinely feels like Im gay/trans and going to therapy as a lgbt person rather than a straight man with hocd and once therapy is done Ill be accepting myself and coming out happily. Ughhh i was afraid I might end up as one of those triggering hocd stories that I read when it first began. I want to cancel my therapy sessions now and just sleep it away, i dont want to get better. This is not ocd

I dont feel like they are possibilities rather something inevitable. Even with you reassuring me that this is nothing what lgbt folks experience is doing nothing to me, no reaction. Im just dead set on that I am gay and trans. I even have fears of coming out which adds more to my stress and anxiety. I never had close female friends let alone a romantic experience with a girl or had a gf or a strong romantic crush, i cant really remember how I felt about women but it strongly feels like it wasnt enough whatever I did feel pre off. All my crushes and sexual attractions were from afar way but I just think i had those because every guy around me did that too and because I was never exposed to homosexuality growing up i was conditioned to hetero culture into believing i like girls and want a gf. And now unless I change my gender, accept that Im gay and start acting towards those things, my depression/anxiety will never go away bc im suppressing myself and I can see these things happening. Even the thoughts that im a straight man and all this just a ocd illusion dosent relieve me. It genuienly feels like the first guy friend I make Ill impulsively give in and act on my thoughts.

@Imaan7 I totally understand what you mean. You are not alone in what you’re feeling. It’s so unfair to so many men in this world that you aren’t allowed to talk about things like this openly and be heard and understood. You sound like a good person who thinks deeply and cares a lot. No matter what identity ends up fitting for you, that will still be true. It sounds like the stuff you listed is an OCD type checklist of stuff you have to go through to try to calm down the anxiety of this topic. It is totally normal to think “could this apply to my life experience?” the first time you hear about lgbt people. It’s the OCD that makes it a stressful, oppressive thought. Those thoughts “I’m a straight man, this is ocd” don’t relieve you because that’s still playing into what ocd wants, to be reassured in your identity. You have to learn to stop policing yourself and your thoughts. Your thoughts don’t mean anything. You said it yourself, you haven’t had the opportunity to do anything romantic really and you haven’t had close relationships yet with women and girls your age. You’ll learn what you like when you get more chances to interact and feel that natural attraction with people. In the mean time, you’re just thinking! You can’t think yourself into being trans or gay. No amount of ocd intrusive thoughts are going to make you something you’re not. You’re allowed to think about whatever you want. You can fantasize about whatever the hell you want to, and it doesn’t have to mean anything. You have control over your body, your choices, and you deserve to feel empowered in that. You don’t have to “come out of the closet” or figure out your gender to be able to heal mental health. That is a secondary thing. You don’t have to figure that out right now. You don’t have to figure it out ever if you don’t want to. You can start dating in your 50’s if that makes you comfortable. You are a human being who is SO much more than your potential partners and what gender they might be. Don’t let OCD lie to you. You’re not bad. There is nothing wrong with you and you don’t need to figure anything out. You’re a person with a good heart just trying to be the best you can be.