I feel mentally numb. 😞 ⚠️ TW ⚠️ I keep trying to get my post count down but every time I get it back into the single digits something happens. I have had the horrible habit of taking Flexeril or Tylenol p.m. extra strength to help me go to sleep. I’ve been doing that basically almost nonstop for like a month. And the pills do add to things if you know what I mean. They both have the potential of giving you weird dreams. Flexeril can cause abnormal thinking and dreaming by itself it’s not like I don’t have abnormal thinking anyway but it adds to it. My mom walked out and I’m scared ‘ cause she’s looking for sports bra and I’m friend I don’t like her big round boobs! And then I started to say what makes you think I don’t I do I don’t like boobs that’s what makes me think that! I don’t wanna emphasize I do cause I was saying that I’m the one that thinks that I don’t like boobs you know I was trying to positively say that I don’t wow that doesn’t make sense. I’m scared I am I’m not starting to like the way boobs look or are structured. I don’t want to like the roundness and there was some neighbor guy walking behind me I made a face because he doesn’t have it and I’m scared they are and I’m smiling weird but they’re not delicious I don’t like the rounds of boobs on boys and balls and I make a face like I don’t but I want that. I just literally made an expression like I could smell something bad and shook my head in the negative thing I don’t and I’m doing it now shaking my head no I do want boys and balls I don’t want boobs. I’m was kind of just making excuses. I’m scared of the way I’m reacting over guys chest muscles I literally act like something is wrong with a guy because he doesn’t and I don’t want him to have round boobs I don’t want him to have boobs. I’m scared I do I don’t want to start this! I don’t want the round is a welcome to go back to being disgusting mean it’s not like they actually make me happy but I want I said I crave it that’s probably not true I wanted to go back to just being straight up disgusting and up for me to treat guys like there’s something wrong with them because I don’t have round this and I literally acted like they were closed because I don’t have it and I try to copy paste boots but I don’t want heavy roundness or sagging or unnatural perking us or anything. I’m scared I keep shaking my head in the negative but I want balls I want boys I hate acting like I it’s like it’s just so sensory you know like so details so realistic like I do but I don’t want the roundness of boobs and I’m scared I am and I frightened that I keep thinking mean things like go now that he’s gotten in shape and I keep shaking my head and the negative but I’ve always wanted my guy we even when he was super skinny and I don’t understand why I’m shaking my head the negative. I do want him no matter what his shape is I’m not gonna act like he’s not in great shape now! This whole roundness of boobs things really getting on my nerves I don’t want boobs but I don’t like how I’m treating him and I don’t wanna be over my guy and I don’t wanna act like there’s something wrong with the guy because I do I don’t want the strained heavily overly rounded sides of foods and I don’t want any other shape size are consistency they come in

i’ve just been feeling so off lately. i’m okay right now, but a couple hours ago i was in this mood where i felt anxiety creeping up. like i will feel like there’s danger when there isn’t. i just get this really uncomfortable feeling that something feels wrong even when it isn’t. and i’ve been feeling derealization/depersonalization. just really disconnected from myself and the world. i’ve also been unmotivated to where there are times when the thought of doing things upsets me. and i’ve been having existential thoughts that do not mesh well with harm ocd. i get the thought “if people aren’t real then it’s okay to hurt them”. it sucks because there are times where i just don’t even care to ruminate and find reassurance that that’s not the case. furthermore, i’ve just been really aware of my existence. i will get moments where i’m so aware of my existence and it freaks me out. like the fact that i’m a living human being is crazy to me. then there are times when i’m not even anxious about anything which then has me questioning and ruminating on that because i ALWAYS have something i’m worrying about. i’ve also been feeling really nostalgic and bittersweet of the good memories from the past. i keep thinking about good times i’ve had and really wishing i could relive it. for example, last summer was a pretty good summer even with my ocd. and i just wish i could relive some of those moments, but i obviously can’t. and it’s been upsetting me because this month has been shitty with my anxiety. as for an update with my room change to those of you curious, i still have anxiety over it and my mom is taking it as me being ungrateful with what i have when it’s my ocd making a huge deal of it. that upsets me especially since i’ve told her what’s been going on and she was really understanding of it. anyways, life has just been a bit much and i’ve been dealing with more to my anxiety that i don’t appreciate. while worrying about constantly throwing up with my contamination ocd is incredibly exhausting, it’s so normal to me that i’m used to it. but when my harm ocd kicks in along with other themes that aren’t usually common for me, i freak out and feel like i’m going insane. i genuinely wonder how people have dealt with taboo topics of ocd without treatment for years on end. i’ve had harm intrusive thoughts since i was little, but it didn’t get to any extreme until 2023. i feel like i’m drowning in it when it decides to hit me and the thought of having to deal with it for the rest of my life?? i’m scared something in me will flip and i’ll become what my thoughts are telling me i am. i apologize for the mixed thoughts that are all over the place but i feel safe posting on here about it and want to hear how y’all are doing

Hi all it’s been a bit since I’ve posted. I’ve been doing ok ish Today has been weird, idk if it’s cuz I upped my vyvanse to 20mg and it’s making me anxious or if everything is just colliding rn It feels like idk myself anymore. I’ve been flipping between ROCD, soocd and tocd the last couple of days/weeks. Rn I just feel horrible and idk why but I’ve been on my period for 11 days now. My period usually lasts 7. When I’m not on birth control. I’ve been on birth control since October of last year and hadn’t had a period till coming home end of April/early may and now it’s back again. I’ve been ranting to chat gpt (Ik it’s bad, I just didn’t know who to turn to) Rn I’m just really in my head about my gender and I’m anxious and crying and I just don’t feel good. Context for tonight’s thought I was doing my skincare, I’ve been trying to develop a routine cuz I’m bothered by the texture on my face and how it makes my makeup look. I’ve always felt less pretty than other girls tbh. Anywyas. As I was doing my skincare I had this thought just happen across my mind of “what if I dislike my skin and face so much cuz I’m trans? What if the reason I’ve been depressed lately is cuz I’m slowly becoming dysphoric and hating myself?” When in fact I think the issue is: I haven’t seen my bf in a month and a bjt. I’ve been bleeding for 11 days. I’m in summer classes and stressed about the comjng semester and how much work I have to do to catch up cuz I’m in pre med and I’ve been fucking slacking lately and I truly hate myself for it. I miss being hugged by my bf. I’ll admit I need a good dicking down tbh. My brother is a whole other story while I’m home. I just feel. Gross and bad. And I’m worried I’m trans. I’m worried I’m a lesbian or smthn. I’m worried I don’t love my bf deeply enough and it’s all just circling in my head a lot and I just feel like curling into a ball. I’ve always been a tomboy, I mostly hung out with boys cuz the girls never liked me. I was weird. I loved dragons. I had imaginary friends. At one point as a kid I tried a different name, I think it just didn’t fit and I grew out of that and just went back to my normal name. But now I’m worried I just repressed that. But I see a lot of girls who also went through the same thing and are also just women. But I’m so scared that I’m “not letting the TV glow” like that trend (that shit made me so anxious. I have trans friends and I love them but im scared of it for myself) I feel still sorta tomboyish but dress feminine, once in a blue moon ill dress semi masculine and now I’m worried that means im either trans or a lesbian who wants to be masc. but I’m not. I don’t think I am Idk who I am anymore. Idk if it’s just ocd or if im actually discovering smthn Im just anxious as hell tbh. So I don’t think that’s the case. I’m just sitting here. Looping in my head. My typical “drown out the noise” tv shows won’t load properly cuz of our new wifi and it’s really irritating me. What if I’ve been lying every time I try to do a “are you trans/genderfluid/non binary?” quiz. What if I’ve been lying to my bf. My friends? My family? I keep thinking to myself, if I wasn’t with my bf would I dress the same? Yes I would. I’d still wear my cardigans. My sweaters. My dresses. I’d try out new styles like I want to rn with him. I’m just worried that teying smthn would make me realize smthn about myself but I don’t think it would. Idk. I’m just in all these irrational thoughts. Jumping to conclusions Any advice would be appreciated. I mostly just needed to vent about this.

Is there something wrong with me if I’m not disgusted by my intrusive thoughts anymore like the disgust feeling has been gone for months now and why are my thoughts feel like they’re literally so close happening inside my brain why can I lowkey physically feel the images of that makes sense,Why do I get adrenaline why do I get a weird tingle my lips sometimes make an awkward like position when I get the thoughts it’s like I’m having a glitch idek which thought is intentional which one is intrusive but there bad thoughts and I don’t want them to be the truth about me but I literally cannot get myself to just feel relaxed even if they’re present like I actually get genuine headaches and feel uneasy for hours after having intrusive thoughts and I hate how it’s always the same kinda thoughts and sensations feelings etc around those thoughts out of nowhere when I’m just chilling they come in before when I had it is be like okay ew weird thought now I’m like what if I actually like this and I’m in denial uGHHH HATE MY BRAIN