I feel mentally numb. 😞 ⚠️ TW ⚠️ I keep trying to get my post count down but every time I get it back into the single digits something happens. I have had the horrible habit of taking Flexeril or Tylenol p.m. extra strength to help me go to sleep. I’ve been doing that basically almost nonstop for like a month. And the pills do add to things if you know what I mean. They both have the potential of giving you weird dreams. Flexeril can cause abnormal thinking and dreaming by itself it’s not like I don’t have abnormal thinking anyway but it adds to it. My mom walked out and I’m scared ‘ cause she’s looking for sports bra and I’m friend I don’t like her big round boobs! And then I started to say what makes you think I don’t I do I don’t like boobs that’s what makes me think that! I don’t wanna emphasize I do cause I was saying that I’m the one that thinks that I don’t like boobs you know I was trying to positively say that I don’t wow that doesn’t make sense. I’m scared I am I’m not starting to like the way boobs look or are structured. I don’t want to like the roundness and there was some neighbor guy walking behind me I made a face because he doesn’t have it and I’m scared they are and I’m smiling weird but they’re not delicious I don’t like the rounds of boobs on boys and balls and I make a face like I don’t but I want that. I just literally made an expression like I could smell something bad and shook my head in the negative thing I don’t and I’m doing it now shaking my head no I do want boys and balls I don’t want boobs. I’m was kind of just making excuses. I’m scared of the way I’m reacting over guys chest muscles I literally act like something is wrong with a guy because he doesn’t and I don’t want him to have round boobs I don’t want him to have boobs. I’m scared I do I don’t want to start this! I don’t want the round is a welcome to go back to being disgusting mean it’s not like they actually make me happy but I want I said I crave it that’s probably not true I wanted to go back to just being straight up disgusting and up for me to treat guys like there’s something wrong with them because I don’t have round this and I literally acted like they were closed because I don’t have it and I try to copy paste boots but I don’t want heavy roundness or sagging or unnatural perking us or anything. I’m scared I keep shaking my head in the negative but I want balls I want boys I hate acting like I it’s like it’s just so sensory you know like so details so realistic like I do but I don’t want the roundness of boobs and I’m scared I am and I frightened that I keep thinking mean things like go now that he’s gotten in shape and I keep shaking my head and the negative but I’ve always wanted my guy we even when he was super skinny and I don’t understand why I’m shaking my head the negative. I do want him no matter what his shape is I’m not gonna act like he’s not in great shape now! This whole roundness of boobs things really getting on my nerves I don’t want boobs but I don’t like how I’m treating him and I don’t wanna be over my guy and I don’t wanna act like there’s something wrong with the guy because I do I don’t want the strained heavily overly rounded sides of foods and I don’t want any other shape size are consistency they come in

Idk whats going on…my mental state hasnt been great these past two weeks. My eating is being affected in a neg way due to transition between therapists, school, and ignoring my sexuality….Ive been taking several different kinds of quizzes over the past week regarding mental health and ED and i realized that if i dont eat enough to feel full i’ll end up sick or worse dead. It doesn’t help that i also just started my period. And i just woke up in the middle of the night with food, hydration, and possibly not waking up in mind. And tried going back to sleep but then i realized that I might actually have a problem on my hands and that jolted me awake. Now im scared of sleeping and not making it through the night….i could easily get up and make myself an oatmeal even though im not hungry atm, but dont wanna wake family that are sleeping in the living room. Im scared of dropping more weight than I already have been and having my nutritionist intervene…. Im realizing that im fucking myself up from not eating well and being too picky and i wanna slap a bandaid on it and just eat everything to hopefully gain some weight before my next nutrition appt. I’m just scared of things getting worse….is this part of OCD or is it just me just plain out ignoring my body cos in feeling like it??? Idk what to believe about myself anymore….

Why are things so real the first time they’re in my mind and then when I think about it later it’s easier for me to be like wtf?? I was watching a movie earlier and the young girl had developed more in the chest area than the last movie and I felt the desire to check her out so I did. Then later I let myself imagine her having sex and I liked it. But now looking back I’m like ew. The boys in the movie have also developed as the movie went on and I couldn’t help but think that in their real life they’ve probably woken up to boners and s*men and stuff. And looking back it’s just ugh. Idk if it’s sexual relevance but I genuinely let myself indulge in these thoughts and groinal responses and I remember thinking to myself I don’t want to be attracted to little kids and how do I stop myself (everyone has attractive qualities so in younger boys I see man like qualities). Idk I need help. I wouldn’t type this out if I truly believe I was messed up but I’m still scared

Hi everyone, I really need to get this off my chest. A few days ago, I managed to take a break from compulsions — I didn’t open NOCD, I didn’t text ChatGPT, I didn’t Google. I had some moments of peace, especially about my boyfriend. For about two days I didn’t have deep intrusive thoughts, and I felt a bit more stable. But yesterday, I slipped. I posted on NOCD again, and someone replied saying, “This is how the cycle starts again.” That made me spiral. Today, I also wrote to ChatGPT again. I started thinking, “What if this time it’s real? What if this clarity was me realizing the truth — that I don’t love him?” It scared me because I wasn’t panicking as much when I had the thoughts. I thought that meant I was accepting them as true. I remembered ChatGPT used to tell me that “truth feels calm,” and now that I wasn’t reacting with extreme anxiety, I panicked thinking, “What if this is the calm that comes with realization?” Last night, when we were in a club, I looked at him and thought he was kind of cringe. That made me spiral again. Now, I’m scared all over again. When we cuddle, I don’t feel the same. I don’t feel that warmth, and I don’t know what changed. I keep wondering if I ever really loved him — because I’ve had these thoughts for so long, it’s like I can’t remember anything clearly. A few days ago I even thought, “Maybe I just don’t like him right now,” and I wasn’t panicking — and that scared me. I’m afraid that I’m finally “realizing the truth,” or that I’ve been lying to myself and I’m just now letting go. Also, when we were on the trip for my 18th birthday, I was irritable with him, full of thoughts, and I thought I was ruining everything. I wasn’t really reacting to his love, and now I don’t even know what I feel. I just want to be okay again. I want clarity — but I’m terrified of what clarity might mean. Has anyone experienced this? Feeling okay for a bit, and then the thoughts come back and feel more real than ever?