When I was younger I hung out wit friends and I’d watch them get ready and change there clothes and shower and I could never do the stuff they were doing they weren’t giveing things a second thought they didn’t have a strict routine and rules to follow and I was hipnotized by it I could barely dress and shower doing these extra things like eye liner and mascara and styling there hair differently putting clips and Bobby pins in there hair doing there eyebrows seemed so hard I wanted to do those things so badly but I stuck wit dressing concealer foundation and straightening my hair I still looked nice but those things were hard to do and it took me along time just to look like that the rituals and counting were very mentally exhausting I wanted to sit there thoughtless and do these things like everyone else I’d go threw hard times were I could barely do anything extra so dressing and showering were the only things I could do no make up no hair straightening my ocd made these rules driven by some kind of fear like when straightening my hair was to hard and I’d atleast want to wear makeup my ocd would make me feel like I could only wear makeup wit my hair down so then I’d have to straighten my hair just to put on makeup so there’s a rule rite there and I can only wash my hair and straighten it once then the next day I can restraighten it but I couldn’t do anything the next day I’d have to wash my hair if it needed to be restraightened I can only do that for 2 days so there’s another rule I have alot of these rules to follow though I have very strict rituals I no a girl I saw on YouTube had similar rules like she couldn’t do everything in 1 shower she’d have to wash her hair in 1 shower then shave in a different shower I was the opposite I had to wash my hair and body and shave in 1 shower I couldn’t split it up so everytime I needed to do my hair I had to take a shower wash my hair and shave every couple of days and I had to shave the same way I couldn’t just shave my legs I have to shave wat I need to every time so some ppl that would just sit on the side of the tub and shave there lower legs was a dream to me this girl also could only use 1 make up pallet at a time she couldn’t use different ones till the first 1 she was useing was completely empty she couldn’t wear different lipsticks till the 1 she was useing was empty and I do the same thing wit stuff and it’s so depressing and restrictive there’s no freedom in the simplest of things stuff that’s suppose to be enjoyable has restrictions it’s noway to live there’s noway to take a relaxing shower my mind is just doing rituals and counting and trying to make sure I don’t touch anything that’s dirty there’s no free will inside my own brain getting ready to go somewere and trying to look nice is so hard when there’s all these rules and restrictions when girls get ready together and are haveing a blast I’d be at home focusing trying so hard to be excited but it’s just a hassle and I’ve had to pretend to be normal all these years I had to force excitement and I always had all this mental stuff going on in my head sometimes I’d be better sometimes I’d be worse but I’ve always tried getting better my rituals and ocd habits and these rules were always there though they just kind of stick and all I want is to feel normal not worry bout contamination and order and these rules I just want to by and wear and do watever I want I’ve applied such strict rules on myself it’s like abuse I hate it so much I just want my brain to work normally I’ve gone all these years watching normal ppl round me do watever they want and I’m a slave to myself and I can’t make it stop please don’t be mean to me I want to share!!

First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?

I'm sry if this may make people worry or feel uncomfortable in advance! Hello everyone as u can see I struggle with ocd and I HATE IT WITH MY LIFE , it started in 2020 covid obv contamination ocd started here , I used to carry alcohol everywhere and used to wash my hands so much that it bled ( had to wear gloves to cover it so friends or family won't see it ) and everything else started since then , harm ocd with myself or friends I couldn't hold a knife..it was really hard..and I have unwanted sexual thoughts ocd , I have panic attacks bc of this..I sometimes cannot look people into their eyes and its so random and so scary..thoughts about.. 🍇..whether it's me or I'm gonna harm someone else uk..I sometimes cannot function properly.. unfortunately friends don't understand it rather think it's about " perfectionism "..I wrote those thoughts and stuff in a journal in more details ofc and doodle ( I'm scared someone will find it ) I hate myself tbh and I don't think someone will read this... I suspect I have ADHD with all this but ocd is " ur faking it " even though lots of people have hinted about it , I thought I actually killed someone for 2 years a girl..until I realized what HOCD is , I thought I faked my ocd too in fact , I have perfectionism ocd too it's bad and I HATE PURE O it's so DRAINING uk.. also idk if this has caused a problem for anyone but if y'all know the Truman show ( basically if u don't know the main character is being filmed and his life is fake and he doesn't know it ) THAT MOVIE HAS HARMED ME SO BADLY FOR YEARS that until today I have to check in the bathroom if there are cameras cuz like ocd makes me think I'm living in a fake world , I used to think people around me , everyone was like a Ai model or smth.. everytime until today I have to clean the toilet seat bc it may be dirty..I have been taking up to 5 showers a day cuz maybe I'm dirty..that's it for today tysm if u read this till the end I'd like to know ur thoughts if u got tips or have similar experiences ! 🤗 U get a chocolate bar 🍫 bc u earned it bc ik how ocd is so frustrating ( I also noticed everyone who has ocd is so nice right 😆! )

Having ocd is so incredibly exhausting and depressing- my mom and dad argued with me for over an hour talking about how im a pain to be around, go in too many loops, and ruin everything and everyones mood… this conversation started with me saying im stressed out because of school and that i dont want to go because im exhausted- and idk if this is like ocd directly but it takes me like 2 hours to get ready in the morning because i need to look PERFECT and the same everyday literally 😭 and that process feels so exhausting every morning at 6am but i will NOT go to school without going through with it- i will literally be crying and shaking and wanting to go home the minute i get to school if even a single strand of my hair is not perfectly straightened or any blemishes or flaws are showing- and i cant even walk to school or anything bc im scared the humidity will mess with my hair and everything- and it just really affects my life? And yeah its freaking exhausting. And i have two more years of highschool and I dont know if im going to make it 😭i get super stressed over grades too because i need them to be extraordinary otherwise its a fail. Nothing below 95%. And thats also tiring! 😁 and my mom told me today “medication IS NOTTTT AND OPTION!!!” Like oh okay so im just cooked 😭 and therapy isnt really helping me at all- i feel like what im being told is so basic and generic and it doesn’t help me when im in a huge ocd episode- which is often… and what i hate most is like my mom says “don’t come to me with your problems after 6pm…” im sorry i cant schedule my feelings 😭 im so tired