When I was younger I hung out wit friends and I’d watch them get ready and change there clothes and shower and I could never do the stuff they were doing they weren’t giveing things a second thought they didn’t have a strict routine and rules to follow and I was hipnotized by it I could barely dress and shower doing these extra things like eye liner and mascara and styling there hair differently putting clips and Bobby pins in there hair doing there eyebrows seemed so hard I wanted to do those things so badly but I stuck wit dressing concealer foundation and straightening my hair I still looked nice but those things were hard to do and it took me along time just to look like that the rituals and counting were very mentally exhausting I wanted to sit there thoughtless and do these things like everyone else I’d go threw hard times were I could barely do anything extra so dressing and showering were the only things I could do no make up no hair straightening my ocd made these rules driven by some kind of fear like when straightening my hair was to hard and I’d atleast want to wear makeup my ocd would make me feel like I could only wear makeup wit my hair down so then I’d have to straighten my hair just to put on makeup so there’s a rule rite there and I can only wash my hair and straighten it once then the next day I can restraighten it but I couldn’t do anything the next day I’d have to wash my hair if it needed to be restraightened I can only do that for 2 days so there’s another rule I have alot of these rules to follow though I have very strict rituals I no a girl I saw on YouTube had similar rules like she couldn’t do everything in 1 shower she’d have to wash her hair in 1 shower then shave in a different shower I was the opposite I had to wash my hair and body and shave in 1 shower I couldn’t split it up so everytime I needed to do my hair I had to take a shower wash my hair and shave every couple of days and I had to shave the same way I couldn’t just shave my legs I have to shave wat I need to every time so some ppl that would just sit on the side of the tub and shave there lower legs was a dream to me this girl also could only use 1 make up pallet at a time she couldn’t use different ones till the first 1 she was useing was completely empty she couldn’t wear different lipsticks till the 1 she was useing was empty and I do the same thing wit stuff and it’s so depressing and restrictive there’s no freedom in the simplest of things stuff that’s suppose to be enjoyable has restrictions it’s noway to live there’s noway to take a relaxing shower my mind is just doing rituals and counting and trying to make sure I don’t touch anything that’s dirty there’s no free will inside my own brain getting ready to go somewere and trying to look nice is so hard when there’s all these rules and restrictions when girls get ready together and are haveing a blast I’d be at home focusing trying so hard to be excited but it’s just a hassle and I’ve had to pretend to be normal all these years I had to force excitement and I always had all this mental stuff going on in my head sometimes I’d be better sometimes I’d be worse but I’ve always tried getting better my rituals and ocd habits and these rules were always there though they just kind of stick and all I want is to feel normal not worry bout contamination and order and these rules I just want to by and wear and do watever I want I’ve applied such strict rules on myself it’s like abuse I hate it so much I just want my brain to work normally I’ve gone all these years watching normal ppl round me do watever they want and I’m a slave to myself and I can’t make it stop please don’t be mean to me I want to share!!