I took medicine for 4 years each year I changed medicine cause the medicene wasn’t working I wasn’t getting better I even had my mom come in and tlk to my doctor wit me cause I was so miserable I couldn’t function I was so depressed to and I was telling everyone I was miserable that I wasn’t getting better and everyone just moved on wit there lives I had no support from family I have no friends trying to get a therapist was difficult I could barely get up during the day let alone leave once a week to tlk to a therapist I was barely able to make it to my doctors appointments to get my medication to it was like I was screaming for help and ppl just watched I staid locked up in my room and since ppl couldn’t see me it wasn’t happening there lives go on and they live they work they have mental freedom i eventually admitted myself into a mental hospital which haveing contamination ocd and haveing all your stuff touched and then takeing all your stuff out of there individual bags that I worked so hard to seperatly pack and wash my hands when touching certain things to keep them clean was so traumatizeing to me and they couldn’t even help me they had no help for ocd they switched my meds and had made me try to do my dressing rituals in a dirty bathroom floor wit no clean spaces for my hygiene and haveing a roommate I had no therapist to help me wit this I just sat in there and suffered just for them to discharge me telling me they didn’t have the resources to help me and a referral to an ocd facility in Chicago which I couldn’t go to cause they didn’t accept my insurance and I was in a horrible relationship that I couldn’t get out of cause I was barely able to function my ocd has always been so debilitating I’ve never been able to work so I couldn’t work I was on ssi but then it stopped for some reason I appealed it but round this time I was so sick I couldn’t do anything which made it worse they took my only way of provideing for myself so for a few years I just suffered alone then finally my mom helped me get my ssi back it’s very aggravating explaining my ocd cause ppl don’t understand it and they don’t understand that it makes my life very hard but I got it back since I was technically homeless they only gave me 533 dollars they told me to get more I’d have to show I’m paying rent then they’ll give me more since I’ll be paying more but you can’t save any money to even be able to move into anywere and nowere is gonna let you live there if you can’t afford it so that made me feel even worse I can’t even function and they were makeing it so difficult for me to just get the money I needed to live there’s no places I could afford that were clean there mostly all dirty and bug infested which kept me in a horrible liveing situation to even be able to get better from my ocd my life has been so difficult just from my ocd all I ever wanted was to get help I’ve always tried I’ve always had to pretend and then I gave up I’m tired of working on things that are so simple to normal ppl I was tired of the way doctors and hospitals were treating me I was tired of begging for help and noone listening I just found out of exposure and response therapy and that there’s actual ocd facility’s and that there’s ocd specialists out there but nowere will accept my insurance and I can’t afford to pay for any treatment on my own it shouldn’t be this difficult to get the proper care I need!!

I had to cancel my therapy because it was no longer available with my insurance. And I just kind of feel hopeless with OCD. Even when I was doing therapy, I think my OCD started getting too complicated for my therapist and she didn’t even know what to do. My fears are so complex it’s crazy. So my big fear is my OCD being bad and being super depressed again like I was a few months ago in high school. I attended a public highschool for a semester and started the worst flare up I’ve ever had. I was harshly bullied for no reason whatsoever, and not accepted by anyone. I am an athletic kid who usually keeps to himself so I didn’t understand why people targeted me, especially when I wanted nothing to do with them. From August to now ( March) I CANNOT grasp hold of my OCD. I am very hard on myself about it. Going into dangers anytime I see one so I can expose myself. But constantly obsessing about if I’m doing enough for my OCD. And comparing myself to how I use to be, before the flare ups. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep I’m obsessing about my OCD and if it’s bad and comparing. Another HUGE fear of mine is being treated differently because I have OCD. So being bullied for so long I always assumed it was because I was shy and didn’t want to stand up for myself - due to my OCD- so I blamed myself for everything that continued to happen, . from people bullying me in the past . The people at that highschool were downright crazy. Even the teachers and coaches had major issues and I’m so glad to be out of there, but I still obsess the same everyday and hold so much resentment for that school and when I try to let it go, I just feel more passive pain and obsess even more about it weather my ocd is okay or not. I feel mentally sick. Please someone give me some advice for my fears, because I feel like I’m doing everything in my power to expose myself to everything but nothings working.

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

I'm currently at one of the lowest points with my OCD despite me working so hard on it and everything that I know it stems from because a lot of my OCD comes from trauma from sexual abuse as a kid and as I got older and a lot of other stuff which is also why I have Complex PTSD. I was doing so well, I started medication, and I was in this dual housing program for treatment and everything was going okay. That was until I ended up getting SA’D by a man there and none of the staff cared or did anything despite me doing everything possible and gathering all of this evidence and all the people there either didn't care or bullied me relentlessly as they laughed with my abuser. It was so painful and I felt so alone. I think what triggered my spiral was that it was very similar to the reactions of my past assaults and thus my OCD came spiralling alongside my C-PTSD symptoms and I feel like it is worse then before. I left that place but its still absolutely terrible and I feel so hopeless and hurt. Not only did this man hurt me like I have been in the past he brought back the very thing that caused me so many years of suffering. It makes me sick. I don't want to think these thoughts or feel these horrible urges and sensations. I feel so disgusting and broken.