I’m so mad because I got my post count down pretty low and now I’m spiking again I said might be I’m not I don’t think I might be at all I said just because I don’t I do find my guy attractive but I am worried because of the really bad thought I had last night I’m looking at him now like I don’t want I’ve always found him attractive whether he had like facial hair or not and I’m acting like he’s not and I don’t I said I don’t want to I don’t want to find him attractive I do find him attractive I don’t want to not all of a sudden find him attractive. Because I was really feeling it for him over one old picture that’s like technically more recent but still kind of old as opposed to something from years ago and I’m scared that I am and I make a face like he is he is not ugly I don’t he’s fucking gorgeous I don’t wanna ever not find him attractive I don’t wanna lose a friend and I don’t I’m scared I’m treating him like he’s weird because he’s but I’m not gay he’s not weird because he’s a guy he is gorgeous I don’t wanna look at his face and act like not when he is attractive to me. I don’t wanna lose it for him I’m scared I have and I’m acting weird and happy like I’m smiling I smile awkwardly and then I take step back in my mind like mentally like I don’t but I do find them attractive I’m scared I don’t want to change your switch teams I don’t want another guy despite Not being with him I don’t want to I don’t want this. I’m literally making a face and stepping back like he’s not but he’s fucking gorgeous and an awesome weird dorky guy and I’m scared I don’t really and I know I don’t have to but I do love the guy I do love what I know about his personality I was gonna say I wish I could be with him but that doesn’t look to be in the cards it’s not that it’s not in the car it’s just hard to tell So it’s not necessarily impossible for to be in the cards so to speak just really hard to be at the same time if that makes sense but I don’t like looking at him like he’s not he’s fucking gorgeous I don’t wanna female knock

I am scared, because we both like each other. We get a long very well, and I enjoy his company so much. He has had top surgery, he has a sharp jawline, he's on HRT, but he also has long hair and pretty eyes. He acknowledges that while he obviously presents masculinely he also some feminine traits, he's a "girly boy". But I am scared cause I don't know if I am really attracted to him for any of the "masculine" parts of him. I am attracted to him, I think, because of the "girly" parts. It feels almost like I am betraying him, like I am attracted to him not because he's a guy but because he looks like a girl to me. Which would be horrible to hear if you're a trans man I'm sure. I have been refusing to accept it for weeks now. It can't be the case, I hope. I have watched gay porn before, a lot actually. But I have never had interest in men before him. Everything in my head points to me doing this shameful act, that this whole time I have been misgendering him in my head. I hate it, because I know in my heart that he is a man. He's even looked like a man in the past to me. So I don't know why I can only see the feminine side now. I just don't want to lose him. I love liking him. I want to talk to him like we always do. Am I gay? I don't know? Do I like men? Same question, but I still don't know. Why do I like him? Because he looks like a man or a girl? I don't know. I am just sad, and scared. My therapist tells me I have to live in uncertainty. I don't doubt her. I am not asking for reassurance, just advice. I also needed to vent. Cause my thoughts are spiraling.

So pretty much I’ve been dealing with intrusive thoughts my entire life, I had no idea could’ve been symptom of OCD until maybe a year ago , I have this fear right now that I don’t actually love my fiancé and I’m not attracted to men. I am attracted to men. Let me be clear. I’m not attracted to females. I never have been and I never will be. But it’s one of the scariest thoughts I’ve ever had that I don’t actually care about the person that I would sacrifice anything for that I would do anything for. He’s pretty much the closest family that I have and I just wanna be with him for the rest of my life. A couple months ago was that I just didn’t care at all, and I didn’t have any feelings and everything that I felt was me being fake in that nothing was real. But I eventually got over that and the new thought is that I’m actually gay even though I know I’m not. And in the world we live in now where it’s be yourself be you if it comes across your mind. That’s the obvious truth. Be yourself… It’s kind of scary to think about. I just want it to leave me alone. I’m actually so scared that eventually I’ll believe it because some thoughts that I’ve learned were intrusive. I ended up starting to believe and it turned into a whole catastrophe for my life. I met this girl and she felt a certain way about her husband and then she told me that eventually I’ll feel that way and ever since then I just I haven’t gotten over this fear that I’m gonna end up feeling the same way she is. Also, I recently got over a few themes. I’m not ready to share, but I’m so proud that I got over those and I just I’m waiting for this one to leave me alone and it’s not and I’m starting to get really scared that it’s true and I don’t want it to be true. and just to be very clear I don’t care who you love what you love who you like what you identify as because you can in fact be yourself but this just doesn’t feel like me. I’m genuinely reaching out to try to get help for this because now it’s messing with our personal life. We’ve never argued so much in our entire relationship and now I realize that it’s mainly my fault because I’m detaching myself from all emotion just so that I can get over this thought I’m detaching myself from all intimacy and that’s even scarier because what if it’s not me detaching myself and it’s me just not being attracted that’s another thought I’ve hadI’ve gone all long enough so thanks.

I keep overthinking about the guy I go to church and stuff with and we have had talks about relationships and he’s aware of everything but I feel like I’m not being completely honest. He’s a great man but I doubt because of his looks. He’s not ugly but I’ll see another guy and find that guy super attractive. My heart is so heavy because of my anxiety. I looked on google if you should tell someone honestly that you don’t find them attractive. I don’t know what to do! I feel like crying because what if I’m leading him on. I see post that say looks don’t matter and I agree but I doubt this guy a lot. What if I’m not being completely honest with him. After church we held hands and we hugged. When I’m near him I want to be close and hug not too much touchy stuff though but when I’m at home I’m doubting everything. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I’m just making excuses or not getting to the point I’ll call my mom when my anxiety and mind starts acting up and then I’ll be calm and now it’s up