- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
i love my bf but sometimes after a day together I’m like I just need to go back to my place and be alone bc I love my alone time and my social battery drains! It sounds like he’s listening to your wants and needs and trying to accommodate them, and maybe he’s just a person who likes his alone time as well! it’s not easy to balance everything in life but it sounds like he’s trying :)
- Date posted
- 3y
I agree with Raccs here, we all need our own space from time to time. I haven’t seen my boyfriend in over a week, this is due to covid tbh but regardless, I think your Rocd makes you feel like you have to know you are loved 24/7. It’s exhausting for both you and your partner. It’s your need to feel loved, wanted, accepted. If he meets you more than 2/3 days then you feel loved and wanted and you feel good about yourself. Happy. If not, the feel the opposite. This is what I was mentioning in one of your earlier posts, you want to be stable enough so that you don’t have any of these reactions to him aka If you meet once a week you’re fine, if you meet 4 times you’re fine. Almost like you are neutral. remember: our partners are an addition to our life, not the center of them and they can NEVER make us happy.
- Date posted
- 3y
*you feel the opposite
- Date posted
- 3y
"Almost like you are neutral": isnt it sad??? If I'm neutral towards meeting my partner or not I can also avoid having one at all. Sorry I'm provoking but I want to understand 😔
- Date posted
- 3y
@Gio Abroad Well maybe not neutral, you can be happy to see him, but you don’t depend on it entirely if that makes sense. And don’t worry ☺️ i’m happy you are asking questions
- Date posted
- 3y
I'm totally like you 😟 I see that my and his alone time are important, but cannot we combine them somehow? Like on our own but in the same place?
- Date posted
- 3y
He loses intrest, and the next moment he gain it back?? One moment he want to run away, the next one want me with all his passion, gifts, attentions...How is that possible 🥲 Anyway, I was super confused and a little discombobulated, so I decided to take some days just for myself without having to be worried about his "mood jumps". So now he got the appointment for the 18 January, and until now I don't know how to behave with him
- Date posted
- 3y
He sounds a lot like me, if he does have ROCD like you have mentioned before, he may also have fear of abandonment or be ambivalently attached, meaning he wants to get close but is also afraid to get close. One moment he’s loving, the next he is cold and distant. It’s really tough to deal with, my partner hs watched me do the exact same over time, i’ve left so many times but also came back. It’s really tough 😔
- Date posted
- 3y
@Redyroo Really? From your point of view, what can I do then to support him without making him feeling oppressed or without me feeling unwanted?? I don't know tho... one thing is changing idea but pursuing the decision, the other one is keep switching between putting and stop putting effort! At first he was always so full of initiative, now sometimes he get so excited, and the next day he reject every "long term date" like weekend vacation, because he loose hopes in us! I started doubting if this is really rocd for him... I also know that he is now trying to solve the situation, because if he loose me than he will miss me and he would see me as a lost opportunity... maby he just doesn't feel enough! Wait that's probably another rocd doubts yay🙄 Maby I am to "needy" by wanting him "wanting me" all the times; but at least I want to know that he likes and want to stay with me; to trust him!
- Date posted
- 3y
@Saraa He already tried therapy in the past, with his ex, for the same problems, but it didn't help! He isn't really hopeful about it, and I'm really sad because I think that if you believe something, at the end it will became true... plus when he has to talk about feelings, he really puts up a wall; so I'm a little worried it will not work for that... I now that is not my business, but :(
- Date posted
- 3y
I hate that I just did 2 rocd compulsion fully aware of what they are, and now I have anxiety... Well, well, I deserve it😂😅
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you for your support tho! I would really love talking to someone right now :(
- Date posted
- 3y
You’re aware that you have ocd and things to work on so that’s good! Investing in yourself is never a waste of time or energy :) good luck!!
- Date posted
- 3y
Nope; he just told me he doesn't know If he is intrested anymore
- Date posted
- 3y
so again, I was right.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Saraa I’m sorry to hear this Sara. Try not to prove yourself right as this is confirmation bias as in “see, I knew it, I knew he would eventually leave me” and is unhealthy to think this way. If he is losing interest then the only way to process it isn’t to cling or say “see I knew it” but to instead accept it as is. Deal with the pain best you can and realise that you’re worth it and any man who doesnnt see that then be happy to let them walk out your life, open the door for them happily because you know that you deserve the best and only the best ♥️
- Date posted
- 3y
@Redyroo Here is the problem, he always keeps changing his mind. That evening, i had a beautiful argument. I told him that he can't keep jumping in and out of the relationship, hoping things gets better by themselves. I told him that I loved him; that I want to keep growing, and I either can do it with or without him. He told me that he actually couldn't take a decision, because he has a lots of doubts and he is sorry to keep "pulling" this relationship so he prefer to broke up again. But later in the same night, he booked an appointment to a psychologist to try to understand better his situation and his will. Even in the same night he changed his mind... why🙄 He also told me firs that therapy doesn't work; and after that he has hopes for us. That he want to put effort in making this relationship work again.
- Date posted
- 3y
He and we hope that during therapy he will understand what he really want and stabilire his decision. Now I'm so confused that even my rocd is broken and doesn't trigger me anymore😂 From one side I hope to be with him again, from the other I don't want to, because it is so stressful sometimes 🙄
- Date posted
- 3y
But in a certain way I want him soo much! :(
- Date posted
- 3y
But yes that's what I'm doing, at least until the appointment with the therapist, trying to gain some stability and peace back!
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
Hello. I am on my first relationship, (and I want it to be my only!) I've been at it for nearly 2 years, and it first starting happening a few months in. When the relationship started, it felt perfect to me. We are both extremely different people, we have different taste, different humor (but we both made each other laugh!) and just a different way of talking about things, (I tend to be more analytical, while she isn't as much). But I considered these differences to be fine, I never felt like it was an issue because our core values are very similar and I consider her a very intelligent girl. We just enjoyed time together, and each other, I thought she was cute as hell, and even if she didn't talk in depth about a lot of stuff, that didn't matter, I enjoyed the quiet times with her just as much as the talkative times. When the OCD kicked in, that's when I started to question everything, I questioned if I even loved her in the first place, if our relationship was just a sham, if I even found her attractive in the first place, her intelligence, her point of view, even dumb petty stuff like "oh she likes THAT movie???". After my first major breakdown, I confessed a lot to her. At this point, I didn't even know what was going on until I started to look into it. And that's where I found ROCD. On one hand, it was satisfying to see something I could point to as "the problem", on the other hand, I think it gave me bad motivation, it reassured me that this was something that I could just try and ignore. After I cooled down from this, I once again had a long period of bliss. I had a good schedule with her. >Go to work >Hang out with her (spend the night at her place sometimes) >go home and hang out with friends I enjoyed my time with her, taking part in her interests, and her taking part in mine. She wasn't always 100% into the things that I was, and that was always a bit disappointing to me, but in the same way you'd be disappointed if your friend didn't like the thing you liked. (now I over analyze these moments and question if I did always care more about this or not) This moment of bliss would end after another huge trigger. A part of the OCD I have yet to mention is my tendency to be worried that "getting along with other people that I find attractive" is the equivalent of either cheating on my partner, or backstabbing them. There was someone at work that I found attractive and I had a moment where it felt like I may have developed a thing for them, I still don't know if it's true because I generally found them to be annoying at times. I made a joke during work, that felt like I was propping myself up to them, I still don't know my motivation behind this joke, because it feels like it could have been something that I would have joked about to anyone, but I'm still not even sure about it. Either way I basically had a panic attack and later confessed to my partner. I don't know if I should have done it, or not, because I'm to this day confused about my emotions during that situation. Regardless. She was hurt, but she forgave me. It felt like I couldn't look her in the eye and feel like a sincere person to her. After this major moment, I felt like I never recovered. I started to avoid talking to this person at work, or really many women at work at all because of the fear that I'd fall for them. When an attractive women shows up I try and end the conversation quickly, this has only created a fear for taking to people, and it's extremely stressful. I got by though. And I would continue to love my partner. Until another major breakdown. This one created a new type of numbness to my partner, that felt completely different, and it's way more convincing. I mentioned in the past that my partner and I are very different, and that we even have different ways of talking about interests. My partner very much enjoys things for what they are, there's not much analysis, and that's fine. Me (and my friends) are very analytical. Last month I was showing her a game I like, and I started to question if she was even tracking what was going on, or even understood it, I was obsessing over the idea that she didn't even care about it (even tho I know she has always taken interest in what I like). This way of thought broke my brain and it made me feel completely incompatible with her. I question my behavior when I was showing her stuff in the past, I remember moments in which I questioned if she was actually paying attention even during moments when the OCD was low. I question if she has the ability to even watch something and understand what's going on. All terrible thoughts, and all thoughts that I never want to have. I'm scared to talk to my friends half the time because the thoughts of them being more "intelligent and analytical" pulsate through my brain. My friends and I are extremely cynical, about things like the film industry and sometimes if I'm going in on something it feels like I'm shitting on her by proxy just because she doesn't care about it as much as I do. I've isolated myself from friends and I think that did worsen my condition, because when it's just only me and my partner hanging out, I feel like it started attacking her more. This is the part where it just doesn't feel like ROCD anymore. I used to not give a single shit about these things, I was able to make blanket statements like "I think TikTok sucks and it's users are annoying" knowing full well my partner uses TikTok every day. There was a separation between me making broad statements and then not necessarily being indictive of my partner SPECIFICALLY. Now it doesn't feel like I have much anxiety anymore, because it just feels like I've accepted that my partner is who she is and I "don't know if I love her" when in the past, I've accepted my partner for who she is, and I loved her anyway. I feel like I'm just not as connected to her as I once was. I used to enjoy everything with her, now my brain overanalyzes everything she does and says. I can't just relax. I feel like I've lost any amount of structure and this turned into a ramble. But I guess that's where I'm at now. I've been attempting getting proper health insurance so I can talk to someone and not break the bank. I think about the times when none of these ridiculous nitpicks didn't matter to me, and I cry about the idea of leaving her. Thank you for reading.
- Date posted
- 16w
Does anyone else struggle with object permanence in relationships? Like whenever my partner is out of the house I immediately think negatively or I find things wrong with the relationship or him… For background my partner and I always fight over chores (I know it’s common but it’s annoying) I definitely pull more weight than him and I think he has ADHD, which makes him struggle to help and be aware of helping. Lately we’ve been somewhat good with splitting meals and dishes whatever, I know it can change with work stress, fatigue whatever. But last week my partner was out of the house watching his uncle’s dog so he was barely home. He was sleeping over at his uncles house and would come home for meals sometimes and stuff like that. I started becoming super fixated on him not helping with the dishes before he left and would constantly feel urges to yell about it. Even though the week prior everything was good when it came to that (sometimes with my ROCD I’ll even question myself and be like was it?) so I have started 4 separate fights arguing about dishes and chores and mentioning that he doesn’t help enough and if this continues I’ll have to leave… it’s so hard for me to snap out of it and just realize that he was going back and forth and didn’t think to help because he was busy with helping his uncle. And then I get such a negative view of him in my head that I nitpick his appearance, I make comments, etc, because my underlying fear is he doesn’t care to help, he will never change, and we will fail. So it’s almost like I’m looking to have a reason to run before I actually need to? It’s a constant cycle for me and I’m truly so exhausted by myself. But also relationships are so hard for me because I struggled SO much with trying to depend on others that I almost don’t let myself depend on others…. Any advice is appreciated but also just like do you also experience this? Thank you & pls be kind 🥺🥺🥺
- Date posted
- 12w
I’ve been really struggling the last week and I need some help. I’ve been seeing a guy for about 2 months who checks a lot of my relationship boxes. He’s so kind and we have a lot of fun together. The first few weeks I was totally smitten but had moments of fear about being committed. We talked about it and decided to take things slowly, and then I would have days of feeling like every thing was perfect with some fearful feelings in between. Two weeks ago now my SO-OCD and ROCD started to come back a little as well as my more anxious-avoidant behaviors. I started to get more scared of the future and it was more intense. At the end of last week, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. He is exactly the type of person I see myself marrying and has great values and is so secure about me. Until last week, he generally made me feel so safe and secure. Ever since saying yes, I feel so scared and anxious and my SO-OCD and ROCD is on max. I also find myself getting more annoyed and irritated about things that were minor annoyances or non-issues before. I’m having intense physical responses to both OCD themes, and the nagging thought and feeling that I need to end things with him because we aren’t right for each other. It makes me feel so sad and guilty. Sex is becoming harder because of the thoughts too, whereas at first it was perfect. I don’t know who I can talk to about this without them telling me to just break up with him. Everything is so new so I think they’d chalk it up to my intuition. But I do want to be in love and have less fear around relationships, so I don’t want to give into the fear. I think it could help me to set boundaries and have space for myself more often. I think I need some advice or insight. I know I shouldn’t ask for reassurance, but having some around how other people have felt at the beginning of a relationship would help. Why is it that the label is freaking me out so much? How do you guys set boundaries to prioritize yourself when you feel this way?
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