I want to share with you my theme. It's weird and I don't think it's relatable. Sorry for my mistakes, English is my second language. I think I'm asexual and I think it's cool. I also don't want to have romantic relationship. I've never been aroused, and I never m*sturbate. And I don't want to. But my OCD tells me that I want, that I'm broken, that I need to do it and stuff. It started this fall, in October. First of all, I have some "under there" illness, I don't know what it is exactly. Secondly, my friend I think have high libido and I secretly uncomfortable when she talk about s*x stuff. Couple of times she said "Who don't m*sturbate in our world?" and I don't say that I am. I felt guilty. I thought everyone just joking when they say about this stuff, but NO? Here comes new theme of OCD, new (and the worst) episode of it... Hear me out: my groin hurts » I think it's arousal » I need to try m*bate. It's so scary to me, because I don't want to do it, I don't think I will ever do this, because it's gross for me. It comes almost every night, even when my aunty died 😭 Intrusive thoughts got worse in November - I've had my first panic attack (not first-first, but scariest of all panic attack that I got before). It got triggered by some photo of boy, another attacks got triggered by photo or video of some girl (not really erotic, just naked parts of the body like abc or kisses) ... I don't want to remember. My head hurts so bad, my hands are shaking, my heart beats faster... And I also have some feelings under there that scares me (remember, I told you about my illness before, this is because of it mostly, also groinal response maybe). Now I afraid of being aroused and also really afraid of being touched (not only in "down there") by me or someone else, I sadly have difficulties to go to shower because of it. My intrusive thoughts includes unwanted s*x images about me, my friends and strangers and " Do it, it's not scary" thing. I also scared of some type of faces, bodies and haircuts I'm afraid it will never get better and I'm just h*rny. Sometimes I wish I had another intrusive thoughts, not like these...

I'm going to preface this with: I just wanna vent a bit. Maybe show you a piece of my and many others' experiences. I just need feedback, not even reassurance. This is what some of if not most of my days look like. I keep asking if it's just OCD. I've been stuck researching and ruminating, anxious, trying to figure out whether I'm having OCD or going into the territory of sexual deviation. My thoughts involve multiple taboos and also fears of sexual abuse. I just can't tell sometimes, and I'm scared. I keep asking myself whether OCD hasn't changed my morals, why I'm desensitized to the unthinkable, and I feel like I am beyond repair. I've read about everything from arousal nonconcordance, to groinals, to even false attraction - and I'm not sure if it isn't just all cope to deny a real problem. Did I get desensitized when it came to Harm OCD too? Sure. Was I panicking? You bet I was. But it once again feels like OCD has gathered enough evidence to make me anxious again. It all feels too real, like too much. I've been anxious for the past few hours just stuck. Pure O is a living hell - if it still is Pure O. I keep looking into my past, asking myself "Does this increase the risk of me being a pervert?" "I've heard childhood trauma can lead to paraphilia - what if that's happening?" "I was exposed to NSFW at a young age - oh my god, what if I end up being a r*pist?". I question every decision I've made, my reactions and behavior, I look for symptoms to confirm or deny whether I am a sociopathic deviant. I avoid certain situations because I fear getting the intrusive thoughts, experiencing attraction or straight up finding out I'm someone I don't want to be (even though all of that sounds absolutely insane and irrational). Whenever I see a trigger, I immediately start checking if I'm feeling something. I can't even look in the general direction of it because I'm afraid I will feel something. I tend to physically avoid triggers. Sometimes I feel like people around me can sense my OCD and look at me because of it, then stay away from me from sheer disgust. Sometimes I'm afraid of even my own imagination - it's very vivid and detailed which would be a great thing.. if I didn't have OCD to use it against me by giving me mental images of the most disgusting and abhorrent scenes imaginable. I'm afraid of doing art because I feel like I'll lose control and draw something deeply disturbing, or somehow uncover some hidden truth about me in the process. It really sucks. I can't be the only one in this, right?? I can't be the first person on planet earth to have gone through this exact torment? You guys, I just need advice / support. Please, to anyone who's gone through something similar, feel free to share your experiences. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, seriously.

Im a 22F i have struggled with ocd probably all my life but it really came to a head when i was 15 I had a severe panic attack surronding the potential of being lesbian or asexual. As a young child i did experiment with some of my friends and remembering feeling arousal. At the age of around 7 i started watching corn, mainly lesbian corn i guess i found it more arousing (This makes me very anxious would watch twerking or provocative stuff. Although from memory i only had crushes on boys. I still continued to watch corn changing types and so forth. When i got a bit older i became really shy and scared of boys i remember being 13 and this boy liked me and wanted to be my boyfriend i panicked and cried. I would panic for days after my first kiss worrying about people knowing or i was bad etc. I felt as though i would find guys attractive but wouldnt think “ I want them to rip my clothes off” i would think they are hot or nice to look at and may feel nice inside. Around the age of 13 i saw this girl at a cheer comp who i thought was stunning i became obsessed with her wanting to be her friend and even starting cheer at the gym i dont believe i wanted to be intimate with her but i cant really remember all i know is i started to by clothes i saw her wearing and wanting to be like possibly thought about a kiss but i cant remember and if i did i dont remember me thinking much about it at the time. Then when i hit around 15 it all came to ahead ending with me in the hospital from the sheer panic of being a lesbian bi or asexual. I had gotten over that theme but still felt my attraction was warped to some degree, and continuing porn use. i then enetered my first relationship and i liked him at the start but sex was an issue i felt excited but not satisfied due to manu reasons including contamination and checking if i felt attracted or aroused enough. Currently going through another episode of this and i really would like some help, advice and i know reassurance is not great but if anyone has experienced something similar. I cant picture myself in a relationship with a woman and i dont think im attracted to any women in real life but i also worry that im not attracted to boys either i just feel like my childhood is a stem for my anxiety with this theme Sorry for the long post

s-ocd rant/vent I just wonder if any of yall relate to this, it's tough I literally just don't know. I'm pretty sure I was aroused by taboo thoughts, I don't even know if they were intrusive or not, and sure I know I have OCD but this is too far. Like, I don't know if I didn't enjoy the thoughts, and it feels like I may have. The arousal feels persistent and sometimes normal thoughts get caught in the mix leading to real attraction only to immediately become replaced with intrusive thoughts, forcing me to check and panic. I can't tell real attraction from fake, I don't feel as anxious or disturbed as I was due to ERP, and now there's this? Like what is going on? I'm completely confused and also really concerned because it feels like a real issue. Like I may actually have paraphilic disorder in general and not OCD. Have I acted on anything? No, but I'm horrified I might and basically end up cursing myself for the rest of my life, like I'm navigating a minefield. And I only really start worrying after these episodes happen / when I get the chance to do a compulsion? I've been struggling with S-OCD for so long that it feels like it must be something else now ESPECIALLY with these sorts of symptoms. I feel horrible with this, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, and I wanna do everything in my power to prevent this from NOT being OCD. I haven't been engaging with sexuality for so long (out of fear) that I can't even be certain of my likes/dislikes, and where even healthy situations and thoughts feel dangerous, like my mind is permanently tainted from all the bad thoughts that I've had. Sometimes I feel like the intrusive thoughts arouse me more than the thoughts that I genuinely desire and it's tragic - I guess the way it works is the thoughts I want were associated with anxiety of an intrusive thought appearing, and then once it does I start monitoring, ending up with me feeling something sometimes but again, why is all of this happening at all... no normal, rational, moral, safe person would go through this, at least in my eyes. And sure, I've had low / poor insight in OCD before (especially with harm OCD), and yes, I've been in paranoid delusion before but this is just too real. Like idk what other way to put it, it feels too real, and ignoring it feels like denial. And you don't wanna be in denial about being a pervert (in any way) hence all of these compulsions. But then there's the fact that I do have some interests considered odd, but the key is that they're consensual - what OCD (hopefully) is making me afraid of is things that are either morally questionable, don't align with my identity or are outright disturbing. It's so weird - I don't want to have paraphilic disorder / attraction to immoral things, but at the same time I feel the obligation to make sure I'm safe and moral. The worst thing I can imagine happening is not only me being attracted to something immoral, but then acting on it or worst, hurting someone because of it. It's so damn distressing and shameful. And best part? I've lost that distress over time via ERP which is supposed to help, but now it's led to this backdoor spike (and hopefully nothing else). If a magic ball could tell me whether it's OCD or something else, here's how I'd react: "You have OCD. You'll be fine" => best ending "You have paraphilic disorder. You need treatment for something else" => I'd break down, genuinely, like I would just lose myself, I am so horrified of finding this out yet at the same time the urge to figure out whether it's one or the other is crazy - but that assumes both could be the case, and obviously I want only one outcome to be true, so what's the point? You know, I feel like there must be thousands of posts like this on OCD forums. I feel like I'm kinda repeating myself like a broken record, not gonna lie. I've been here before, just with slightly different symptoms. I feel bad for everyone else here with Pure O, hopefully we can make it out of this, and hopefully I'm one of y'all and not some complete degenerate using "OCD" as a catch-all.