I want to share with you my theme. It's weird and I don't think it's relatable. Sorry for my mistakes, English is my second language. I think I'm asexual and I think it's cool. I also don't want to have romantic relationship. I've never been aroused, and I never msturbate. And I don't want to. But my OCD tells me that I want, that I'm broken, that I need to do it and stuff. It started this fall, in October. First of all, I have some "under there" illness, I don't know what it is exactly. Secondly, my friend I think have high libido and I secretly uncomfortable when she talk about sx stuff. Couple of times she said "Who don't msturbate in our world?" and I don't say that I am. I felt guilty. I thought everyone just joking when they say about this stuff, but NO? Here comes new theme of OCD, new (and the worst) episode of it... Hear me out: my groin hurts » I think it's arousal » I need to try mbate. It's so scary to me, because I don't want to do it, I don't think I will ever do this, because it's gross for me. It comes almost every night, even when my aunty died 😭 Intrusive thoughts got worse in November - I've had my first panic attack (not first-first, but scariest of all panic attack that I got before). It got triggered by some photo of boy, another attacks got triggered by photo or video of some girl (not really erotic, just naked parts of the body like abc or kisses) ... I don't want to remember. My head hurts so bad, my hands are shaking, my heart beats faster... And I also have some feelings under there that scares me (remember, I told you about my illness before, this is because of it mostly, also groinal response maybe). Now I afraid of being aroused and also really afraid of being touched (not only in "down there") by me or someone else, I sadly have difficulties to go to shower because of it. My intrusive thoughts includes unwanted sx images about me, my friends and strangers and " Do it, it's not scary" thing. I also scared of some type of faces, bodies and haircuts I'm afraid it will never get better and I'm just hrny. Sometimes I wish I had another intrusive thoughts, not like these...

Rinata

Date posted: 3y

I forget to say I'm almost 18, I thought im a lesbian before (cuz I don't want relationship with guys) but I don't think I am.

ARTnotOCD

Date posted: 3y

Not sure what to tell you other than that sexuality, including asexuality, is a personal journey. Everyone has his/her/their own timeline and own outcomes, and those outcomes can change too. There is no “normal” or “abnormal” for sexuality. And it can be scary or disturbing* to us on our personal journeys. *This is not to say anything about that journey should cause alarm or disturb us, but especially for us with OCD, change in general can disturb our emotions and thoughts. The only other suggestion I would make is that if you have any medical issues, be brave, and seek medical care. I know it’s not always easy to be open, even with a doctor, about such private areas, but at almost 18 it’s common to start seeing an OBGYN, so maybe that will help you feel a little better about seeing one.

Rinata

Date posted: 3y

I get some therapy, things gets better, but not at all, so I'm waiting for end of the holidays to go to the doctor.

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