I am getting so depressed with this now. I didnt do the erp over xmas as felt better but now it has come back. I don't know if this erp is working although saying that I have worked through some tough ones and they no longer bother me. This is the longest I have ever had OCD for and stuck on one thought. I feel such a fool because I KNOW it is all made up in my head but I just believe it. I had 2 people I confided my intrusive thoughts in about their grandaughter.......I am stuck on what I said to them...."what if, when I was asleep my leg touched her leg and then because I thought I dont wear underwear in bed, what if my front bit touched her leg?' This to me is the absolute worse thing I could ever have said and it has not left me since they fell out with me over Covid 4 months ago.... It has gone round and round and round in my head. The thing is their response wasn't one of shock or anything but they said they worried like that when looking after a friends little girl. They helped me out so much with that spike and took me to yoga and the lady came to a mental health walk with me although no one turned up. She called me all the time and even read up about OCD not realising how much I suffered until she read about it. Why, then, is my mind making me think that now, after them falling out with me over covid do I think like this and think they think the thoughts i told them were real? I have imagined they have told my friend (the dad) about my thoughts even though i asked them once what would he think and they said he would laugh. I just cant seem to get this conversation 'what if my front bit touched her leg' out of my head and think I am such an awful awful person. I hate the fact they have fallen out with me as I have known them for years. Their son doesnt bother with me as he has a new wife who is a nurse but then I start thinking all sorts. He has always been a selfish person and not bothered with me since he met her but my mind is all over the place thinking they are all talking about me and this one sentence I said years ago. Before they fell out with me our relationship was great and went out all the time. I hate OCD.

Hi, last year I had a trigger with my little cousin that made me spiral. Then that thought lead to another and lead to another thought and another one and so on and I've been feeling stuck (with ups and downs) over a year now. I hit rock bottom in July/August and that lead me to going to the psychiatrist. I am taking meds now, but I still feel bad. It doesn't take as much time of my life anymore but it is constantly back there in my mind. It's the feeling that I'm ignoring and undoubtable truth that soonest or later will come out, or that rejecting, or that I'm resisting. That's why it's been impossible for me to do ERP, because I think it's going to make me want to touch myself and if I do I'll feel bad. And then it feels like I like the thoughts, not only physically (groinals) but mentally??? It's like a brain fog that I can't tag between pleasure or confusion. And that thought leads me to thinking about the alleged "non-offending" ps and if that could be me. And that thought leads me to think OH MY GOD I can't BELIEVE I am a girl in my twenties obsessing over this I can't believe this is my life.

I am hurting so much right now. I feel sad and disgusted with myself that I would even worry about these things (pocd). What kind of a human even thinks that and has doubts about that?? Definitely not one that’s rational or mentally sane. That kind of stuff should be a no brainer so why do I worry about it so much and what does it say about me? I feel sick and disgusted and can’t stop crying over it. I just feel so defeated like I want to disappear. I started ERP and every time I resist reassuring myself it comes back at me from every angle. I hate this so much.

Im sorry I have to come on here and ask for advice once again, but as some people on here know I have been suffering with ocd since I was around the age of ten, which only got worse as my beautiful children came along. or nearly 60 years Ive had every type of ocd there is, they always come down to the same thing , not wanting to ever harm the people I love more than anything. I had got on top of this and was managing well, I know I would never harm anyone I love ever and would never ever want to, no more of the hypothetical scenarios for reassurance either , but its like every time I try to stop the mental compulsions intrusive thoughts come back after a few days, As I was in between going to sleep and was half awake the horrible words ' hope ***** dies I cannot even write the name down who it was about. I do not know where it came from but I am constantly getting upset about this as it was about someone I would give up my life for. I think you can probably guess what I mean without me having to say it. I do read a lot of posts and ocd podcasts and once read someones story wher they used to wish bad things and I have never been able to stop worrying in case something like that happened to me . Could this be what it was that has caused it ? I think Ive also still held onto something from when I was a child when I used to worry that thinking something too much could make it happen,, Please, please give me some addvice and thank you,,, sorry for the long post.