It’s very hard for me to open up about my OCD but I think it’s time. At least just a little bit. I am 5 months postpartum and I’ve been dealing with postpartum OCD for 5 months now and it’s been the worst thing I’ve ever had to go through. I always considered myself to be this loving and caring person. I’ve always been an emotional person, too. I always try to be nice to everyone. I never judge anyone. I always try to help out and do my part. I can never NOT donate. I always try to be there for others and I have a hard time saying no. (Just to give you a little in-site of who I am) POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING I always had anxiety, at least for the last 10 years I would say. Turns out I had OCD for a long time but didn’t know. Growing up, I was terrified of death but I think that is something most people experience? Then I was terrified of my parents dying. Eventually, that went away though I catch myself in deep thought about it every now and then. In high school, I was terrified of cancer. I’m sorry if that’s triggering for anyone. I know it’s a serious illness and shouldn’t be thrown around lightly. I went through a phase where I was severely worried I had it to the point I believe I made myself sick. I was convinced I had it. I was constantly googling, wanting to go to the Doctor for every little thing, wanting to have blood work done more than regularly, asking my family for reassurance. In 2018, I experienced intrusive thoughts for the first time. Mean intrusive thoughts towards a loved one while away on vacation. Thoughts that began with “I wish” and “I hope” it was quite terrifying. As hard as it is for me to admit, it was regarding illness. I remember crying in the shower and wanting to sleep constantly just so I wouldn’t have the thoughts. I eventually just had to keep reminding myself that I didn’t want those bad things to happen and shortly after we got home those thoughts went away. Eventually that went away. I still had them here & there towards different loved ones but I could easily let them go. Also in 2018, I started to experience what I know now to be Hit & Run OCD. This started out of nowhere after hitting a curb. From that point on I was terrified of hitting a pedestrian and not knowing. Sounds silly right? It would take me 30 minutes to get to work when it should only take me 10. Driving at night time? Ha, forget it. I was told that I was just being paranoid. Same thing when I experienced Health Concern OCD back in high school. My Hit & Run OCD is not nearly as bad as it was prior to having my baby. I’m assuming it’s because I’m now experiencing postpartum OCD. I still turn around to check every so often, but not nearly as much as I used to. I was fine during my entire pregnancy. I didn’t have 1 intrusive thought. I was paranoid about certain things when it came to the health of my pregnancy and unborn baby but nothing out of the ordinary. I’m lucky to be able to say I had a great labor and delivery, even pregnancy. I always wanted to be a mom and to start a family. I always considered myself very grateful to be able to carry & grow a baby. I remember holding my little baby in the hospital and just crying while starting at her. My husband asked me what was wrong and I said “I just love her so much.” There were a few stressful days after being home due to breastfeeding. Baby was having a difficult time latching. I was upset of course because 1. I was determined to breastfeed & 2. I wanted my baby to eat. I remember crying at the pediatrician because I was genuinely worried about my baby. Little did I know I was about to get hit with something so life changing. A few days after we were home from the hospital I experienced my 1st intrusive thought out of the blue. It was while I was holding a piece of string and the thought scared the crap out of me. I tried to let it go. I couldn’t. The more I questioned and thought about it the more frequently the thoughts came. It was horrible. I remember taking my baby’s week old photos with this terrible pit in my stomach because I was so disturb by the intrusive thoughts. I thought to myself “I need to think about anything else other than these horrible images. Anything has to be better than this.” Well, next thing I knew I was having terrible intrusive thoughts that started with “I wish” towards my baby. My little baby. My baby that I always wanted and loved and cared about so much (still do of course). How can I look at my baby and think to myself “I hope” something bad. “I wish” something bad. Again, this is what happened to be back in 2018 but it didn’t hit me THIS hard. I don’t mean to have these thoughts and they’re the complete opposite of how I truly feel. But I feel like I’ve been obsessing over them for so long now (5 months to be exact) it’s all I think about. I get triggered so easily. It’s like my mind can grasp onto anything and turn it into an intrusive thought. It’s not only happening towards my daughter either, it can happen towards literally anybody and it scares me. It’s made me question who I am as a person. It’s made me feel like I wouldn’t care if something were to happen. It’s made me think I actually want these things to happen. It’s very debilitating. I can even have the thoughts towards myself. I just want to feel like my old self again. I feel like I don’t get upset over things anymore or happy about other things. I love my daughter and I love being her mom. I wouldn’t trade this for the world despite what I’m going through. She makes me so happy. I enjoy being with her. I want to and I’m determined to get better for her no matter how long it takes. I also am hopeful for more children. The hardest part is feeling alone. Feeling like I’m the only person on this planet who experiences the thoughts I experience everyday all day. The intrusive thoughts that have taken the most toll on me are the ones that are mean and start with “I wish” “I hope” “I want” and “I don’t care” that can be related to illness and/or something bad happening so if anyone experiences those or can relate to any of this please share. This has made me feel like a complete monster and so lonely and very hopeless at times. If you made it this far I appreciate you. This was hard to write and sadly I feel like there’s so much more I could say but I would be here for hours. Even if this post goes unnoticed it felt so good to vent a little and share part of my story. ❤️