It’s been a month since I’ve started trying to find help for my ocd I’m on ssi and get Medicaid in Tennessee and there’s no help for ocd here in Tennessee and no help that accepts me insurance I recently moved into a really nice 1 bedroom apartment but pest control came and sprayed majority of the carpet wit bug spray and I haven’t had a clear thought since that happened I can barely move the apartment was so clean and nice I hadn’t lived in a nice place in along time cause I don’t make much money and all the places I can afford are always dirty and bug infested so this new apartment was a blessing for me the way I felt just relaxed in this big open apartment wit freshly painted walls and brand new carpet the windows are new the blinds are nice this place was pleaseing to look at but it also made me feel better I’ve been liveing in such small dirty places for years in and out of motels and my car this place was just amazing it felt so relaxing to my brain I felt so free then when he sprayed all of that went away I feel like my eyes don’t even acknowledge wats going on in my apartment there not takeing in my surroundings anymore I barely move all day the more I try to do the more my brain try’s to figure out wat touched the carpet it’s really exhausting and overwhelming I had so many plans of getting better here cause I was finally in a good environment to get better and use the tools I learn at home since I had a clean home for the first time in years but it’s not like that anymore i feel like im slowly dieing im so depressed I cry everyday all day since that has happened I’ve called everywere and begged for help I’ve been on so many ocd apps I’ve called hospitals I’ve done everything nowere takes my insurance for ocd treatment im so messed up my schedules so messed up I can’t even get up early enough to call more places im trying so hard but it shouldn’t have to be this hard to get the proper care I need im begging everyone to please help me I want an ocd therapist I want someone who actually understand ocd to prescribe me medicene that’ll actually work I need and want help and always have wanted help I just thought I was always gonna be like this cause noone actually understood my ocd I still need to finish moveing into this apartment but I can’t my old place is 30 minutes away it’s fucking snowing and cold here im exhausted and can barely manage doing my dressing ritual everyday by the time im done I just want to try to relax I have 2 storage units I need to get stuff out of to put in our apartment to I have a pop up camper I was redoing that I didn’t get to finish and it needs to be popped down there’s literally so much that I need to get done that was suppose to be easy but instead my world and apartment has become so contaminated by the bug spray I just can’t do anything but panick I missed court and a doctors appointment even when I do get better there’s gonna be repercussions of my ocd and it sucks and now I have Covid and have been so sick I’ve not even been able to do my dressing ritual which I have to do everyday to put on clean clothes if I don’t do my dressing ritual once a day then I have to do it twice the next watever amount of days I wasn’t able to do the dressing ritual I have to make up for those days so being sick like this really sucks I just need help and I’m at the end of my rope wit this it’s been almost a month i shouldn’t have to beg for help it shouldn’t be so hard to get admitted into a psychiatric hospital just cause my ocd is hard to understand and accommodate im so done wit this shit.

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

My ocd has been at an extreme all time high the past 2 weeks and I am in dire need of some relief. I’m not sleeping right anymore. for context: I live in the south and found a springtail on my sheets about 2 weeks ago. This was like 2 days before our bug guy came and sprayed (it’s a normal maintenance thing here) so it’s a common bug down here and I’ve found them all over different areas of the house before. Finding it in my bed sent me on a bit of a spiral bc I started to doubt if it even was a springtail and that i was wrong and that it was a bed bug, not trusting my brain. It was a bad, sleepless night and carried over continuing feelings. Typical ocd stuff. Well two days later, I’m a nurse and I had a patient that actually had bed bugs. This wasn’t the first day they were here and I did not see any myself but it still freaked me out. There had one 2 founds after visitors came the day before. Of course I wore PPE in the room (coveralls shoe covers and hair net) going in and took everything off before exiting the room. When I came home I stripped in my garage and bagged everything down to my shoes. Threw everything in the wash and did multiple cycles. There were no other steps I could take but I still had a terrible night. Hours of ruminating and going back and forth about tracing my tracks, thinking of new ways I could’ve taken one home with me. Just checking everything. I was already on a spiral from the springtail. Having two such back to back triggering events for me so closely related has made me deteriorate significantly. I was already doing bad with my normal OCD and starting therapy here. I obsess over the thought of having bedbugs constantly and haven’t been able to sleep. I am constantly checking my bed while in it and can’t settle down. My bed is heavy too and I keep hurting myself lifting my mattress to check. But I need to check. I’ve become obsessed. I check everything and go down Reddit rabbit holes looking for new things. And of course, I talk myself into it every time. I can’t take it anymore, it’s bleeding off into other parts of my life like friendship and marriage because I am so high anxiety right now. I need relief so bad. I’ve never felt this unstable to be honest. I feel like even someone without ocd would be really struggling with this topic, nevermind me, with ocd to a point where I just started treatment. These aren’t even my normal intrusive thoughts and compulsive acts. It’s just taken on a life in the last week and I can’t find any sign that it’s going to slow down. when I think rationally I know I did everything right to prevent but I can’t shake it. 💔

I'm currently at one of the lowest points with my OCD despite me working so hard on it and everything that I know it stems from because a lot of my OCD comes from trauma from sexual abuse as a kid and as I got older and a lot of other stuff which is also why I have Complex PTSD. I was doing so well, I started medication, and I was in this dual housing program for treatment and everything was going okay. That was until I ended up getting SA’D by a man there and none of the staff cared or did anything despite me doing everything possible and gathering all of this evidence and all the people there either didn't care or bullied me relentlessly as they laughed with my abuser. It was so painful and I felt so alone. I think what triggered my spiral was that it was very similar to the reactions of my past assaults and thus my OCD came spiralling alongside my C-PTSD symptoms and I feel like it is worse then before. I left that place but its still absolutely terrible and I feel so hopeless and hurt. Not only did this man hurt me like I have been in the past he brought back the very thing that caused me so many years of suffering. It makes me sick. I don't want to think these thoughts or feel these horrible urges and sensations. I feel so disgusting and broken.