thinking about how this is gonna be my life forever breaks my heart. i never in my life would’ve thought that this was coming my way. this is so heartbreaking and depressing. i was barely getting to live one of my biggest dreams then this hit me out of nowhere. what did i do to deserve this?? is this my karma??😞 my dreams of being a mom? went downhill because of this. my dreams of being a ultrasound tech? also went downhill. and the list goes on. i just want my life back..

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

I know everything im dealing with is OCD. I have accepted that, but I just feel down. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. I just want to be free from this horrible illness. Any positive stories and recovery journeys will help. What did recovery look like for you? I used to be so happy, I miss it so much. This feels like it’s taken everything from me. How do you just live your life despite how you feel? Any hope will help!

will i ever be free or is this all there is for the rest of my life