Hi there. I'm unsure of what I'm allowed to post here. I guess this is just an attempt to find out how alone I really am. I am aware that I'm not allowed to ask for reassurance so I guess I'm just asking if there is anyone who can relate. I think I understand how intrusive thoughts operate in those with OCD. I get them too. Violent, sexual, inappropriate. Where I feel I might differ is that I'm even unsure of whether or not those intrusive thoughts are real. Basically, whether they only happened in my mind or actually happened in real life. Just an example. A violent or sexual or whatever thought would come up. VERY vivid. Then I would have to check over and over again for proof that it didn't happen. The big issue is when it's absolutely impossible to be sure. How do you know if you harmed a child? Do I ask them? If it isn't mine, do I ask their parents? This is only one example of many "themes" I guess? I can doubt some of the (apparently very obvious) things. My mind won't stop. The same goes for driving, writing/speaking (did I just say/write that) , did I just put bleach in the food? Again, these images are extremely vivid. Could this be something other than OCD? Is it just poor insight? This type of doubt can also latch on anything in the distant past. "Did I kill/rape/harm someone and then forgot?" "What did that person mean by that?" "Do I have HIV/ an STD or cancer?" "Is my son really mine?" "Did I just do something inappropriate", whatever most shocking in the moment. Did I walk around with my pants down? This list really is endless and can attach itself to anything. Guess I can also add that I'm obsessed with my appearance (btw I'm male). Not obsessed in a vain way, rather obsessed with every single flaw in every part of my body. Almost like everyone is part of this massive puzzle and I'm the piece that just doesn't fit. Like a factory defect. This might seem like I'm just looking for attention and maybe it's the case. I think I just want to know that I'm not completely alone. It's very isolating and takes away everything and everyone I care about. Don't know why I'm like this. Yes, I've considered ending everything. Would love to say I haven't because I'm just such a good person and so selfless. Truth is, I'm just terrified. Honestly, I'm not sure what I want anyone to say about what I'm sharing. As far as I can remember, it all started as a very young child with religious fears and obsessions. This was around the time my parents were seperating if that matters at all. I'm South African and as far as I can understand users here are mostly from the USA and UK? Maybe Australia too? So I'm not sure if my way of communicating here translates well? People mostly don't understand this condition and guess that's how I ended up here. I'm sorry for bringing my negativity here. Not the intention. Just desperate. It's like falling down a tree and grabbing for branches, this might be one of those branches. Just to add. I am on medication but it feels like it's only making this worse. Constant anxiety, constant fear and constant doubt. I hate myself and I hate this. This is not a life.

oneday🤍

Date posted: 3y

You’re definitely not alone, this sounds completely like OCD. I struggle with some of the same themes/thoughts. It’s a very tortuous and debilitating disease. You’re right, it’s no way to live but one day it’ll get better for ALL of us. Sending positive vibes.

Enriko K

Date posted: 3y

What scares me is the uncertainty of whether or not those thoughts/images/"videos" are real or not. I just can't seem to distinguish between the two...or almost like I don't believe apparent proof? Does that in any way make sense?

[Deleted]

Date posted: 3y

Comment deleted by user

Enriko K

Date posted: 3y

I really appreciate the response. I don't think it's a stretch to call it torture. Absolute relentless torture. Stripping everything good away. Honestly, I realise how dark and depressing my comments are but it's my reality. Every waking moment. What is the point of this.

Enriko K

Date posted: 3y

@threepartsocdsufferer This is very relatable. I've self-medicated with alcohol too. I get it. Eventually you just seem like an alcoholic but inside you just want to kill the monster. Unfortunately, in the long run, the alcohol just makes things worse. But I'm with you, I get it.

teexik

Date posted: 3y

You’re so brave for telling your story, this sounds a lot similar to what I go through as well. You’re right, people mostly don’t understand this condition but I’ve found in this space most people do which is a nice change. I hope you can find some help here and remmeber you don’t always need to know what you mean or what you’re trying to say. It’s okay if you don’t know

Enriko K

Date posted: 3y

I appreciate that you took the time to respond even though I'm a complete stranger. I don't like being different, not fitting in anywhere. Can't handle another disturbing thought. Another anger attack (I think it's when your body and brain might be overwhelmed). Check another door, tap or electrical outlet. Blame myself for things I'm not 100% sure I did or didn't do. The thing is, if I really did these horrible things, rape, hurt, kill or whatever...then I don't deserve to get better. Does that make any sense? I'm sorry for pushing this on you, just out of ideas and energy

teexik

Date posted: 3y

@Enriko K Of course, thank you for responding. I agree, not fitting in anhwhere is a really shit feeling. It does make sense what you’re saying, and I don’t want to give you reassurance becuase that won’t help the OCD cycle but I think the fact that you feel this negatively about things like murder or rape means that you haven’t done them. These false memories are very common with people with OCD. Don’t apologise, you haven’t pushed anything on to me. I feel you on being out of energy or ideas - I’m actually going into an inpatient OCD program soon so hopefully I’ll get a bit of a refresher there.

Enriko K

Date posted: 3y

@teexik Thing is, the voice always has an answer doesn't it? Like, "maybe you did it and now you just feel guilty and using OCD as an excuse". Always an answer. I just don't want to hate myself anymore and just be a good husband and spouse even though I don't deserve that peace. I sincerely hope that it works wonders for you, really... Be blessed

teexik

Date posted: 3y

@Enriko K There definitely is always that voice, I’m certain the fact you’re on this app is proof enough you’re a great husband and spouse. I think you do deserve peace and hope you’re able to realise this. Thank you so much, really appreciate that

Enriko K

Date posted: 3y

@teexik Even though you don't know whether or not I'm a decent person, I appreciate your kindness.

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