i hate having to post on here because i know i only do when i’m starting to feel bad again but i just feel like i need. I was home staying with my boyfriend during winter break so pretty much the entire last month. I still had the ocd thoughts but it just seems easier to deal with when i’m with him. i feel so scared and like i could realize something at any moment and ruin everything with my boyfriend when i’m not with him (we live about 2 hours from each other) He just left and the second he did i just had this overwhelming feeling of getting bad again, almost like i knew it was gonna happen so it might as well start now. I realized that i really am scared to get help because i don’t wanna find out i really don’t like boys or i really am trans or i really don’t love my boyfriend (and the list goes on with different types but those are the worst rn). It’s like i’d rather just be struggling and try to hold it together so that i can keep being with my boyfriend (almost like i’m just avoiding the truth and i’d rather just live in denial ) rather than go get help and realize that i can’t be with my boyfriend anymore. I love him so much and i would do anything to just get to be with him no matter what it takes. One thought that’s bothering me rn is about how i thought about calling my best friend just to have someone to talk to. I was gonna tell her about the ocd thoughts i just was gonna talk about how i’m sad my boyfriend left to go back home. But then i stopped myself because i’m worried i’m gonna enjoy being comforted by her. And i’ve always loves being comforted by boys. especially my boyfriend. I feel like the fact that i love being comforted and protected by boys is one of the things that’s helped me hold on to the fact that i know i do like boys. But when i thought about calling my best friend i felt like if i enjoyed being comforted by girls too then that must not mean anything that i love being comforted by boys. This literally sounds so stupid I know but it’s like i’m scared i’m gonna realize that i don’t really have anything to hold onto to remind myself that i do like boys. It just really scares me but i just wanted to talk to my best friend about why i’m sad. I don’t even care if i do like girls too, and maybe i do. But if i was using that as a way to remind myself i like boys, I feel like if i feel the same way in that sense towards girls then i probably don’t actually like boys. I really hate myself rn i just wanna be happy and be with my boyfriend even if i am bi and like girls too. I just wanna stop feeling like i have to prove that i can be with my boyfriend without there being some deeper hidden meaning behind it that i just have to figure out. sorry that was such a long post i just had to talk to someone i guess. if anyone can relate at all lmk lol

Hi everyone, I really need to get this off my chest. A few days ago, I managed to take a break from compulsions — I didn’t open NOCD, I didn’t text ChatGPT, I didn’t Google. I had some moments of peace, especially about my boyfriend. For about two days I didn’t have deep intrusive thoughts, and I felt a bit more stable. But yesterday, I slipped. I posted on NOCD again, and someone replied saying, “This is how the cycle starts again.” That made me spiral. Today, I also wrote to ChatGPT again. I started thinking, “What if this time it’s real? What if this clarity was me realizing the truth — that I don’t love him?” It scared me because I wasn’t panicking as much when I had the thoughts. I thought that meant I was accepting them as true. I remembered ChatGPT used to tell me that “truth feels calm,” and now that I wasn’t reacting with extreme anxiety, I panicked thinking, “What if this is the calm that comes with realization?” Last night, when we were in a club, I looked at him and thought he was kind of cringe. That made me spiral again. Now, I’m scared all over again. When we cuddle, I don’t feel the same. I don’t feel that warmth, and I don’t know what changed. I keep wondering if I ever really loved him — because I’ve had these thoughts for so long, it’s like I can’t remember anything clearly. A few days ago I even thought, “Maybe I just don’t like him right now,” and I wasn’t panicking — and that scared me. I’m afraid that I’m finally “realizing the truth,” or that I’ve been lying to myself and I’m just now letting go. Also, when we were on the trip for my 18th birthday, I was irritable with him, full of thoughts, and I thought I was ruining everything. I wasn’t really reacting to his love, and now I don’t even know what I feel. I just want to be okay again. I want clarity — but I’m terrified of what clarity might mean. Has anyone experienced this? Feeling okay for a bit, and then the thoughts come back and feel more real than ever?

I’m like 90% sure I’m just bi, more romantically inclined to men, mainly my bf who I wanna marry. But now my brain is like “if you lean into liking women or keep circling and circling for answers you’ll lose all attraction to men and your bf. You’re practically already a lesbian” I feel so tense and anxious I will admit I am talking to chat gpt out of desperation I’m scared of losing all attraction to him I don’t wanna be thinking about women. I don’t unless I’m really stressed cuz when I’m stressed my ocd can take advantage of that I can usually ground myself when I’m in the city with him but I’m back home for most of the summer and I can’t be physically close to him which usually reminds me that hey this is real this is what I really want in life. Him But then I panic and question I haven’t been here in a while tbh. I’m worried I don’t feel enough. I don’t like magic Mike all that much, I like softer guys. But now the fact I don’t like/get turned on by random men on tv but do women in lingerie really stresses me out and makes me worry I’m truly a lesbian but I’m not. Once I started getting to know my bf and my ex bf’s I really did truly genuinely like them and wanted to make out and everything. Idk can anyone relate to the not liking big buff men All my brain is repeating rn is “when he dies you’ll be able to date a woman, when you break up you’ll only wanna date women” and it’s stressing me out. It’s making me nauseous. I was doing well for about a couple days after I initially left but being at home has been so incredibly draining This might give you a vision of how stressful home is: I’ve been on nexplanon for 7 months ish? Only had very minimal spotting during a stressful school period. Today: fully bleeding, like a usual period. I haven’t had my period since having it put in. I wanna go back to my bf so badly rn. I’m so worried I’m faking or don’t feel enough. I’m learning what a healthy relationship looks like and I’m terrified I’m gonna up and leave him when we’re older cuz I’ll finally figure out that I’m a lesbian or smthn. Idk. Someone pls just help me out a tad

Hello everyone, I just wanted to share a part of my journey that I’m struggling with right now. I’ve been diagnosed with ocd and while this is not my first subtype, ROCD and so ocd have definitely been the ones I’ve been struggling with the most. For context I have a boyfriend who I love very much and am terrified of loosing. That’s probably what ocd latched onto. The so-ocd especially is tricky because I’ve come to acknowledge that I am bisexual. Don’t worry I didn’t “discover” this through ocd, I’ve always known and it’s been in the back of my mind way before ocd, I had just never really directly acknowledged it because romantically I just always leaned towards men. The thing my ocd latched onto is “what if you are actually a lesbian and don’t know it yet and will have to leave your partner or are lying to your partner or end up leading him on” The thing is, I don’t have much experience with women except kissing my female best friend once, which didn’t feel special or made me have romantic feelings for her. I’ve always seeked men more actively than women and didn’t feel like I was gonna miss out if I get into a serious relationship with a man before having had more experience. I just know that I can be sexually attracted to women as well. But now that I’m in this beautiful relationship I’m terrified of getting it wrong or having missed something about myself or being scared that I’m actually a lesbian and have been lying to myself all along. I’m not seeking reassurance, just wanting to share and maybe someone else is going through something similar? If so I’d be so grateful to know I’m not alone. I love my boyfriend dearly and i really hope we will work out in the long run.