i hate having to post on here because i know i only do when i’m starting to feel bad again but i just feel like i need. I was home staying with my boyfriend during winter break so pretty much the entire last month. I still had the ocd thoughts but it just seems easier to deal with when i’m with him. i feel so scared and like i could realize something at any moment and ruin everything with my boyfriend when i’m not with him (we live about 2 hours from each other) He just left and the second he did i just had this overwhelming feeling of getting bad again, almost like i knew it was gonna happen so it might as well start now. I realized that i really am scared to get help because i don’t wanna find out i really don’t like boys or i really am trans or i really don’t love my boyfriend (and the list goes on with different types but those are the worst rn). It’s like i’d rather just be struggling and try to hold it together so that i can keep being with my boyfriend (almost like i’m just avoiding the truth and i’d rather just live in denial ) rather than go get help and realize that i can’t be with my boyfriend anymore. I love him so much and i would do anything to just get to be with him no matter what it takes. One thought that’s bothering me rn is about how i thought about calling my best friend just to have someone to talk to. I was gonna tell her about the ocd thoughts i just was gonna talk about how i’m sad my boyfriend left to go back home. But then i stopped myself because i’m worried i’m gonna enjoy being comforted by her. And i’ve always loves being comforted by boys. especially my boyfriend. I feel like the fact that i love being comforted and protected by boys is one of the things that’s helped me hold on to the fact that i know i do like boys. But when i thought about calling my best friend i felt like if i enjoyed being comforted by girls too then that must not mean anything that i love being comforted by boys. This literally sounds so stupid I know but it’s like i’m scared i’m gonna realize that i don’t really have anything to hold onto to remind myself that i do like boys. It just really scares me but i just wanted to talk to my best friend about why i’m sad. I don’t even care if i do like girls too, and maybe i do. But if i was using that as a way to remind myself i like boys, I feel like if i feel the same way in that sense towards girls then i probably don’t actually like boys. I really hate myself rn i just wanna be happy and be with my boyfriend even if i am bi and like girls too. I just wanna stop feeling like i have to prove that i can be with my boyfriend without there being some deeper hidden meaning behind it that i just have to figure out. sorry that was such a long post i just had to talk to someone i guess. if anyone can relate at all lmk lol