cf05
- Date posted
- 3y
cf05cf05
- Date posted
- 3y
I also have been giving into compulsions and spending hours on end on this app trying to talk to people about what I am going through because no one in my personal life knows. I know I am supposed to resist compulsions but I don’t know how because the thoughts don’t even feel like OCD anymore—they feel completely real. I cannot separate myself and my reality and my goals from my OCD thoughts like I was able to when my thoughts first started.
tami444tami444
- Date posted
- 3y
i know it‘s hard and i truly understand your struggle, but you have to learn to live with the discomfort of not knowing a hundred percent for sure. ocd sometimes really is a bully, but the more you feed into it with compulsions (avoidance, readsurance seeking, mental compulsions etc…) the more it will eat you up. i habe felt suicidal because of these thoughts at a very low time in my life. as for me, the wordt part was that i just couldnt live with the idea of being intimate with someone of the same sex, because it felt alien to my identity. i honestly wouldnt habe a problem with being actually lesbian, if these thoughts were pleasurable to me , but they arent. and the fact that these intrusive thoughts pop up is not an indicator of my underlying, „hidden“ desire for it. no, its actually a really simple principal, when i tell you not to think about a blue elephant, what are you gonna think about? try as hard as you can not to think about a blue elephant right now. i dont have to wait on your answer to know for a fact that it doesnt work. also if your amygdala (part of ypur brain that is responsible for sensing threat and making sure you stay alibe in threatful situations) is trained to fear these thoughts, it will constantly send out signals to ypur body that youre in danger which furthermore creates more anxiety although these thoughts are not a threat to your nature or ypur identity. these are just thoughts. the second you realise that and start to accept that it’s only a thought and nothing more, you will start to realise that your ocd is playing tricks on you. also consider this: now matter how rationally you may argue with your inner worried voice, it will come up with even more „what if“ questions. there is no way to argue with something so irrational, so you habe to connect with your let’s call it rational part (that brought you to this app and actually knows, how absurd your fears are) will have to take the lead. in the ocd case, dont trust your inner worried voice, the one which is only coming up with more insecurity and quedtions. because in reality every single one of us actually knows that this does not represent what we want. but by feeding into your fear you just continue the never ending cycle. its not easy, but u have to start resisting doing compulsions no matter how frantic you may feel. sometimes my thoughts still really get under my skin, but the only way out is through confronting it with exposure.for example, something that i suggest for you to do is write a list of all your compulsions, everything you avoid, whether its tv shows, musicians/songs, your friends, the way you dress, the ways you seek reassurance etc. just everything that impacts the way you do certain things because of your ocd. its important to start trusting in the fact that youre safe, no matter what the outcome might be
cf05cf05
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you so much for sharing that. I do have to ask though, my thoughts are telling me that I have to finally accept that I am lesbian after having these thoughts on and off for so many years, even though it is such a source of worry. It’s almost like I feel like I like these thoughts and want to feel comfortable with them, even though I would give literally anything to make them go away. I just feel like there is no way that I am straight with some of these thoughts and feelings I am having and given my past experiences. I have never been involved with another girl and have always been boy crazy and have only ever been in love with men. However, I have always struggled getting close to girls because of a fear that they will judge me due to never really having a solid group of girl friends when I was younger. On top of this, I have repeatedly found myself feeling “attracted” to confidence that certain girls have, especially ones I see on social media, and while I think the reason I get so tripped up on this is because I am jealous of their ability to show their confidence and attract men, when I personally feel very insecure and that no men like me, it definitely feels like I am just trying to stay in denial and protect myself from the life I would have to live if I came out as gay. I know these thoughts make me sick to my stomach but I feel like logically, I must be gay, even though the thought of not being with men scares the shit out of me. I know I hate these thoughts, but I am now having a hard time differentiating whether or not I hate them because of the way they make me feel or hate them because I know they are true and don’t want them to be. I just don’t know how to get past this and am ready to just be done.
maggie1234maggie1234
- Date posted
- 3y
@cf05 This sounds very similar to my experience. It’s so hard and frustrating!!
Related posts
anonymous00981
- Date posted
- 19w
I feel like this is it
I had a bad rumination spiral yesterday and went to bed hoping I’d start over in the morning. I was wrong. I had dreams about liking women and not being attracted to men anymore and my entire body has been in a state of anxiety since. I genuinely feel like I’m gay and just need to accept it. I have this urge to accept it. Maybe if I do I’ll get some sort of relief because this feeling is awful. I feel like my brain is telling me that I’ll get relief if I just accept it and come out. The intrusive thoughts don’t even seem to be around sexual images anymore, just to come out.
anonymous00981
- Date posted
- 18w
Can someone talk to me please
I am very depressed right now. I really feel like maybe I’ve always been a lesbian and never knew. I never questioned my sexuality when I was young, never wanted to explore, I just was straight and didn’t think anything about it, that’s just what it was. I had my first soocd spiral in late high school but didn’t have a name for it, just that I was having intrusive thoughts and it was killing me that maybe I was gay. I can’t exactly remember how I got out of that but I continued to have crushes, talking stages, and dated. It went away and that was that I guess. Looking back now I definitely was still avoiding content and certain people, and still had intrusive thoughts but didn’t think I was gay. I guess they were less sticky. Something about me is that I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m a virgin. I’m very shy and romanticize things like I love the relationships and scenarios I read about or that I see in movies or the thirst traps online haha. So I want that irl but am disappointed when that doesn’t happen. I have a very interactive daydream (started when I was 13 and still continued that fantasy world now too) with a boyfriend, friends, and a prettier version of me. I enjoyed making up scenarios about sex or romance in those daydreams and fantasies, but when it came to real life, I would get shy or scared when things were starting to get serious with men. I thought maybe this was an avoidant attachment style but now I’m not sure. I never considered female fantasies and I still don’t want to right now. I want to test and see which one I like better, but I’m afraid I’ll find that I’m a lesbian and I really don’t want that. Ive always imagined myself with a man but now I’m worried about comphet. I’m really depressed and I can’t tell because yes, I find some women attractive whether it’s their makeup, face, body, aesthetic, but I never thought that meant I was attracted to them in a sexual or romantic way until this spiral. Now I’m afraid of masc lesbians and pretty women because it triggers me. But I’m also afraid because I feel like I can look at attractive men, but I don’t feel the same way anymore. I can’t even daydream about them bc then my brain inserts a woman. I’m really scared that I’ve lost myself, because I truly feel like I have, but I don’t want to explore with women, I just want to like men, I’ve always liked that idea. But so many lesbians talk about liking celebrities, fantasy men, or just attractive men. Sorry for the rant but I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel like all my memories, even the ones that directly contradict being a lesbian, can be explained away by comphet, internal homophobia, denial, suppression, etc. When I do try and accept uncertainty, sometimes it feels ok, but then something will trigger me and I’m back at square one. I’m afraid if I take my meds I’ll discover something about myself that I don’t want to because I’ve always been depressed and avoidant of life because it never lives up to my expectations. My sexuality is on my mind 24/7! I can’t take it!
evasprog
- Date posted
- 7w
New sort of intrusive thought
Hello, so I’ve been struggling really badly with so-ocd where I am worried that I’m not actually straight when that’s what I’ve always thought and wanted to be. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years now, he’s my first boyfriend and I really love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I remember one time, before I had struggles with so-ocd, I had a thought along the lines of ‘what if I’m missing out on other men by staying with him’ and it didn’t really cause any anxiety but I felt quite guilty for thinking that. But I moved on. However, right now I’m in the depths of so-ocd it started back in March I believe, and today I had a thought along the lines of ‘what if I never get the opportunity to try being with a woman because I’m in a relationship with a man’ and that has really set me off today. I’ve had a meltdown over it, my chest feels heavy and it felt so real like I actually wanted it and I had a feeling of wanting to be gay even though that’s not what I want in life. Why is this happening to me and I feel so horrible for thinking this like it felt like it was me and not the ocd and that I’m just lying to myself and my boyfriend. I’ve tried scrolling on here to see if anyone has had a similar thought or experience and I am aware that this is reassurance seeking but I just need someone to tell me that I’m okay
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