- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi there. I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am a straight female and am currently drowning in HOCD thoughts and anxiety. I know our situations are different as I identify as straight, but if you don’t mind me asking, was being gay something you just automatically knew about yourself and never questioned. Like I have always been straight but have lived with fear of being gay because that is not who I am, and these fears have made me feel like an imposter in my own life and body. I would love to hear what you experience as a gay woman struggling with this, as from what I have read, gay individuals find pleasure in the very concept of being gay and pride themselves on identifying with the gay community. I am an ally but could not see myself being a member of this community, and just wonder if my intrusive thoughts about being lesbian mean that I am actually just in denial.
- Date posted
- 3y
Aaa thank you so much omg,, I mean I do relate to you in some way as I do question my sexuality and worry that I could actually be bisexual? I grew up with being quite homophobic so discovering I liked women was difficult but now I'm struggling to know if I like men or not,, I do enjoy being a part of the community but yeah the overthinking is so difficult and must be for you too. It could be you in denial as I was for a very long time about liking women, OR it could just be an ocd worry that isn't true at all. It's very hard to know and apologies if I'm extremely unhelpful but I promise u will figure it out! Try to be open minded and yeah :3 we can do thiss!!
- Date posted
- 3y
@liviiii I appreciate your info, thank you. May I ask how you knew for sure (not that you do because I know you are struggling with OCD) but how you were sure enough to make the decision that you were in fact gay? I have had these I just fear that I am actually lesbian because I feel so hyper aware of everything around me now and always worry what people think of me and check my attraction to everyone around me. I’ve had these thoughts since childhood and have always found pretty girls attractive, but it’s never been something I wanted to act on. There was a time last year where the thoughts came to mind again and I honestly laughed that I used to buy into them and think they were true when that is not really what I want. I am in a homophobic environment too, which makes these thoughts even more isolating because not only do I feel shame for having them and desparstely want to get rid of them, but I also know that I would not be accepted if I confessed them. Lately, it’s starting to feel like I have no attraction to men anymore and only am attracted to women, even though I identify as striaght. If it is up to me, I will only ever be with men, but for some reason, I feel like it is not in my control because the images and thoughts and feelings I’m having are so graphic and convincing.
- Date posted
- 3y
@cf05 I feel like the reason I found out I like women is just due to in my life I have been much more attracted and interested in them than men and i especially had a huge crush on my best friend for so many years as I just wanted to be around her all the time,, we never did get together which is good in the long run and we are still best friends which is good. Also I feel like you could be having these thoughts becasue you want to experiment with your sexuality but due to being in a homophobic environment it's difficult to do so, and believe me I've been there it sucks. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate I really hope ur okay and I do relate to how you're feeling in many ways it's really really hard to know what you are when ocd just drives overthinking insane,, I think a way to control it is to experiment the best you can with your sexuality and be open to anything despite what others think about you. I hope that makes sense!
- Date posted
- 3y
@liviiii That makes sense. I have only been in two relationships in my life—both of which were with men. I was very much in love with both of them, and when I was in these relationships these thoughts did not affect me at all or even come into my brain. But now, I feel like I am lying when I say I want a boyfriend because I have been having these thoughts. I understand what you mean about me maybe wanting to explore my sexuality, but in reality, I could never see myself doing that. I envy people who can be sexually fluid if that’s what they are interested in, but I just can’t imagine myself doing that. I want to be with men and I want to have a husband and children in the future and that’s what I have always wanted. These thoughts are just making me feel things that I do not want to feel toward women. I fear that because I have had these thoughts recurring throughout my life that it means I have always wanted to and do want to act on them. I don’t want to be gay, but for some reason lately the thought of having a boyfriend just doesn’t feel possible, which I think is largely due to the fact that I have spent so much time focusing on these thoughts and am afraid of letting people get close to me. I just don’t know anymore and am so scared that I was born gag and that these thoughts indicate that I have to be gay even though I do not want that at all.
- Date posted
- 3y
@cf05 Hm yeah thats interesting I feel like part of the way you feel could be due to internalised homophobia and heterormativity in society telling you that you should only be straight and never try to explore it. I know it might be hard but it could help! It's difficult knowing if these thoughts you're having are because you could like women, or they're just a random ocd thought that isn't true at all. Please try not to be scared that you could be gay becasue by what you've said being in love with men definitely means you aren't! However there could be a potential that you like girls too which is totally fine however try not to be scared of that or overthink it. You will figure out what u truly are whether you are in fact just straight or if its more complicated! I hope that makes sense it sounds so hard for you and I know how you feel :( I get similar feelings but more with how confused I am whether I'm lesbian or bisexual so yeah I hope that makes sense lol
Related posts
- Date posted
- 22w
I’ve completely lost myself. I can’t focus on my studies, I can’t go to the gym. Dang it I can’t even be around my male friends normally anymore. I got no idea why or how this happened but the only thing I know for sure is that I never questioned my sexuality neither doubted it. I never cared in general. I just liked girls. I keep testing and keep testing and keep testing my arousal but no matter how many times I see but I don’t feel the same way for guys that I do with girls my mind will always try to make me believe that I am gay. It’s like it’s forcing me into an identity I never asked for. But at the end of the day like my psychologist told me. Sexuality doesn’t change. So since I never felt anything for guys in my life it’s ocd. I’ve been up and down for 5 months now and while the last week I was feeling way better. Monday now and I’m back to zero. I just want to go back when everything was normal. I can’t keep living with this.
- Date posted
- 16w
I tried checking if I like gay stuff and it’s genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, it’s always the same response, I don’t get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I don’t think that I am magically turning gay. I don’t think my orientation is changing or hasn’t been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so it’s not that I’m homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I don’t get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that it’ll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl I’ve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I don’t remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things we’ve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so it’s not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didn’t have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldn’t stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasn’t going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldn’t stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldn’t find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, “Maybe this isn’t a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did so”. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I can’t feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but it’s always been a struggle for me to believe. I can’t go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I can’t find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasn’t vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just can’t destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.
- Date posted
- 16w
It’s like my brain is doing everything in its power to convince myself and also justify an attraction to teenagers. I hate myself. I don’t want to be this person, but what if I don’t have a choice. How do I get these thoughts out of my head permanently. I feel like my life will never be the same if they don’t leave forever. I can’t tell what is a real desire and what OCD is trying to convince me is a real desire. I can’t do this every day for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or I don’t think I do but how do I even tell anymore. This might not even be OCD at this point, I can’t separate my thoughts from OCD thoughts I think because I’ve had OCD for so long so it all just feels like me. Maybe it is me. TMI but I haven’t pleasured myself in like a week because my libido is so low now, I don’t want to do it with these thoughts.
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