Compulsions are at a minimum but my brain is driving me insane. I overthink everything, I don't think I'll ever be in a normal relationship with a brain like this I hate it I hate it I love my girlfriend but I don't even know my sexuality and I don't know why it's even a big deal I feel like it's going to take over one day all over again. The weeks drag by as I crave not being sober so I don't have to think so much about anything I can just have a good time and be happy with my girlfriend.

Aaa thank you so much omg,, I mean I do relate to you in some way as I do question my sexuality and worry that I could actually be bisexual? I grew up with being quite homophobic so discovering I liked women was difficult but now I'm struggling to know if I like men or not,, I do enjoy being a part of the community but yeah the overthinking is so difficult and must be for you too. It could be you in denial as I was for a very long time about liking women, OR it could just be an ocd worry that isn't true at all. It's very hard to know and apologies if I'm extremely unhelpful but I promise u will figure it out! Try to be open minded and yeah :3 we can do thiss!!

@liviiii I appreciate your info, thank you. May I ask how you knew for sure (not that you do because I know you are struggling with OCD) but how you were sure enough to make the decision that you were in fact gay? I have had these I just fear that I am actually lesbian because I feel so hyper aware of everything around me now and always worry what people think of me and check my attraction to everyone around me. I’ve had these thoughts since childhood and have always found pretty girls attractive, but it’s never been something I wanted to act on. There was a time last year where the thoughts came to mind again and I honestly laughed that I used to buy into them and think they were true when that is not really what I want. I am in a homophobic environment too, which makes these thoughts even more isolating because not only do I feel shame for having them and desparstely want to get rid of them, but I also know that I would not be accepted if I confessed them. Lately, it’s starting to feel like I have no attraction to men anymore and only am attracted to women, even though I identify as striaght. If it is up to me, I will only ever be with men, but for some reason, I feel like it is not in my control because the images and thoughts and feelings I’m having are so graphic and convincing.

@cf05 I feel like the reason I found out I like women is just due to in my life I have been much more attracted and interested in them than men and i especially had a huge crush on my best friend for so many years as I just wanted to be around her all the time,, we never did get together which is good in the long run and we are still best friends which is good. Also I feel like you could be having these thoughts becasue you want to experiment with your sexuality but due to being in a homophobic environment it's difficult to do so, and believe me I've been there it sucks. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate I really hope ur okay and I do relate to how you're feeling in many ways it's really really hard to know what you are when ocd just drives overthinking insane,, I think a way to control it is to experiment the best you can with your sexuality and be open to anything despite what others think about you. I hope that makes sense!

@liviiii That makes sense. I have only been in two relationships in my life—both of which were with men. I was very much in love with both of them, and when I was in these relationships these thoughts did not affect me at all or even come into my brain. But now, I feel like I am lying when I say I want a boyfriend because I have been having these thoughts. I understand what you mean about me maybe wanting to explore my sexuality, but in reality, I could never see myself doing that. I envy people who can be sexually fluid if that’s what they are interested in, but I just can’t imagine myself doing that. I want to be with men and I want to have a husband and children in the future and that’s what I have always wanted. These thoughts are just making me feel things that I do not want to feel toward women. I fear that because I have had these thoughts recurring throughout my life that it means I have always wanted to and do want to act on them. I don’t want to be gay, but for some reason lately the thought of having a boyfriend just doesn’t feel possible, which I think is largely due to the fact that I have spent so much time focusing on these thoughts and am afraid of letting people get close to me. I just don’t know anymore and am so scared that I was born gag and that these thoughts indicate that I have to be gay even though I do not want that at all.

@cf05 Hm yeah thats interesting I feel like part of the way you feel could be due to internalised homophobia and heterormativity in society telling you that you should only be straight and never try to explore it. I know it might be hard but it could help! It's difficult knowing if these thoughts you're having are because you could like women, or they're just a random ocd thought that isn't true at all. Please try not to be scared that you could be gay becasue by what you've said being in love with men definitely means you aren't! However there could be a potential that you like girls too which is totally fine however try not to be scared of that or overthink it. You will figure out what u truly are whether you are in fact just straight or if its more complicated! I hope that makes sense it sounds so hard for you and I know how you feel :( I get similar feelings but more with how confused I am whether I'm lesbian or bisexual so yeah I hope that makes sense lol