I have homo-ocd. I'm rather infuriated by it. For years I wondered at the possibility I could be gay. One day I got sick of the worry and decided to come out as bi to myself. Then as if a cloud was lifted, and I no longer cared about being gay, I was able to enjoy life again, and I never actually was attracted to men so it didn't matter I had about a year or two of mostly peaceful intrusive thoughts and I was able to enjoy life as a straight man again. 3 years ago right before covid struck, my hocd took a turn and I have worried ever since that I'm trans. It's insane to me that I've been dealing with the same thought over and over again for 3 years. You know what's funny? Don't even remember the last time I thought about being gay or that I could be gay. (Gay here meaning attracted to men not trans.) My attraction to women is now basically unquestionable. But my intrusive thoughts and thought cycling just goes into full panic mode at the idea of being trans. I don't feel trans, I've never felt like a woman before in my life. But now everyday due to ERP and my intrusive thoughts all I think about are being trans, imagining myself as a woman (while trying my best not to panic/ argue with the thoughts) and trying to imagine myself with different genitalia all the while internally I'm panicking. I'm trying my best to just force myself into the thoughts and be comfortable with the uncomfortable. Some days are better than others. Some days I forget that I have pure OCD for about half an hour, and then it starts up again. Recovery is hard. Some times I won't panic at the idea, which is good, I know the reaction I want is to not panic at the idea of being trans and to realize that thoughts are just thoughts. But then the intrusive thoughts about the intrusive thoughts happen. "What if you're not panicking anymore because you're accepting that you're trans." "What if you're not panicking because you have dysphoria and imaging yourself as a woman is relieving that dysphoria." "At what point are you just trans? If you spend all day imaging yourself as a woman, saying that you're a woman, and think about body parts on your body that make you a woman, is that not trans?" I wake up and go to bed in a panic most days, but I'm not thought looping thoughout the day as hard as I used to. So I'm grateful, but still angry.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 3y

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Ghost1228

Date posted: 3y

I'm going on for about maybe a year now. It's been a hell of a ride. I didn't know what I had was HOCD until maybe 2 years ago. I was unaware of intrusive thoughts and pure OCD until about a year and a half ago.

Ghost1228

Date posted: 3y

@helloyes555 Yes but I've always done that. Legitimately as a child I'd grab it and just holding it made me feel better. Anytime I was home and just naked while sitting at my computer, I'd like the grab it and hold it it was always comforting. NOW when I catch myself doing it I stop because I don't want to use it as a "false comfort" as the therapist's say.

cf05

Date posted: 3y

Hi there. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. Unfortunately, I am dealing with this as well, where my SOOCD and fear of being gay has ket to debilitating TOCD. I feel like I can’t even function in my daily life because these thoughts feel so real and make me think that I want to be a man, when I’ve always identified as a straight, cisgender female. I do not want to change my gender, but for some reason my mind is telling me that I have to. I also all of the sudden feel so masculine when I look in the mirror and never feel genuinely pretty anymore, which is crushing my ability to maintain any ounce of my feminine self confidence. While I am not against those who are transgender, I have personally never understood the concept of not wanting to be what you were born as to the point of having to change your identity. Now, though, it’s like I don’t want to change my identity but my mind is telling me that I just am and won’t be happy unless I am male. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to be gay or trans, but now my mind is convincing me that I am both. I am so scared that I just have gender dysphoria and don’t know what to do because I will not live a life as a transgender person because it is simply not for me and am scared of what I will have to do for these thoughts to go away.

Ghost1228

Date posted: 3y

The goal is never to get the thoughts to go away. I've accepted that, as scary as it is. The goal is to not be afraid of the thoughts. You know what surprised me the most about this? My voice. I noticed one day a few months ago that my voice is masculine. Now sometimes when I speak I startle myself because my voice is so deep and masculine that I can't help but gender it. Then once I've gendered it, intrusive thoughts always comes up whenever I speak. Hahaha I can't even talk without my OCD triggering.

cf05

Date posted: 3y

@Ghost1228 That’s how I am too. I feel like I over analyze everything I say and do and because of that, these thoughts are constant. I don’t know what to do because I am starting to feel so disconnected from my old self that it seems like this must be a gender identity crisis. Wouldn’t this not feel so scary if it reflected what I actually wanted? I don’t understand.

Ghost1228

Date posted: 3y

@cf05 I think it is an identity crisis. Just not a gender one. One that's brought on by OCD. I don't think anyone will ever be able to tell me that this isn't an identity crisis. Because you're right it feels like I've lost touch with my old self. Who I was. Who I knew myself to be. For example anything I do now I question if I actually enjoy what I'm doing. Whether it's working, playing video games, watching movies, working on my car. Legitimately everything seems to have lost it's pleasure. Because on the rare chance I feel like I'll do something I enjoy inevitably there's a part of me that says "Do you really enjoy this, or are you just trying to distract yourself." As you said you always thought "I just never understood what being trans must feel like but I'm not against trans people." I feel the same way. I've always been pro LGBTQ, so when you take that fact and add in that I'm terrified of the idea that it could apply to me. Some part of me also feels weird that my worst fear is other people's reality.

cf05

Date posted: 3y

@Ghost1228 So what does that mean for you? I am so scared that I will act on these thoughts and that exposing myself as transgender is the only thing that will give me the confidence that I have been lacking, even though I would never actually want to do that. The thoughts just feel so real and I feel like I can’t even look in the mirror or talk to people without feeling like they are “figuring me out.” I just don’t know what to do because if these thoughts are true, I will no longer want to be alive, even more so than right now with the misery these thoughts are causing me

Ghost1228

Date posted: 3y

@cf05 Have you tried ERP? It's incredibly difficult to do, but it'll relieve the anxiety. You have to trust me on this. I was a nervous wreck, I vomited at work from the stress of this. Imagine yourself as a man. I know it's scary. I know it's terrifying. But if you really truly only have OCD you need to trust yourself. Lay down somewhere quiet. Put a timer on your phone and imagine yourself as manly as you can make it. What started my journey to recovery is a book on Amazon that you can listen to on audible. It's called overcoming your unwanted intrusive thoughts by martin seiff. You can listen to the whole book in about 5 hours. It's very informative and I'm in a much better place than I was.

Ghost1228

Date posted: 3y

@cf05 I would say give it a read. But truth be told at the time I didn't think I had the mental capacity to sit and read.

cf05

Date posted: 3y

@Ghost1228 I did two sessions with an NOCD therapist but could not afford to continue and did not have enough time in those two sessions to get started with ERP. I am so scared because this is starting to feel more real than my actual reality of wanting to be the straight feminine woman I’ve always been

Ghost1228

Date posted: 3y

I paid for maybe 2 sessions of therapy. Decided it wasn't for me. The book I'm recommending is for self help, like us. You don't need to pay for ERP. I'm fact you probably shouldn't do it until you understand why you're doing it. It's a gradual process but I promise if you give it sometime and some training you'll start to feel better.

f7nn

Date posted: 23w

My current predicament

Struggling with TOCD has probably been the hardest theme I’ve had to deal with so far For reference. I’m a gay male 20yr old Before this theme I was so open with my gender expression, love drag and used to do it for a time. A lot of my friends are trans women and my whole life is queer When this theme hit. It’s like I completely lost who I was. Questioning everything I enjoyed, not participating in anything because it triggered me so heavily. I went through a whole gender journey awhile back and the trans path never spoke to me when I looked into it. I love my physique and my face but now when I look into the mirror i feel like a shell of who I was. I can’t find any sort of pure enjoyment without the accompanying “what if” or “you’re this” intrusive thought I still enjoy how I look. I’ve not looked in the mirror and felt like anything is missing from me or needs to be taken away I just feel like a spectator in my life while this disease tells me I’m not who I know myself to be I affirm myself every day I know who I am and it may change in the future but that’s not important. It’s highly unlikely it will but it may! Giving into the uncertainty has been so hard but it’s worth it! My ocd has really picked up since getting into my first serious relationship I care about my boyfriend with my whole heart but over the course of our relationship my themes have included Health Relationship Irreality Harm I just want to be who I was again before this current theme it feels unbearable to live like this BUT! I’m seeking appropriate treatment and not giving into a majority of compulsions I just wanted to write this to see if anyone can relate and if they do. Know that you will overcome this! I know I will and you will too

Vee <3

Date posted: 17w

Heyyyy!

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

Sexual Orientation OCD

ocdsurviver

Date posted: 16w

How do y’all deal with this?

I’ve recovered from HOCD before and got my attraction and my usual actual identity back. I was recovered from end 2022- start 2025 until I got triggered UGHHH😭 My HOCD is REALLY trying to convince me and it’s SO annoying cause I genuinely don’t want these thoughts. I know I naturally like men and always have done so. I can’t wait for my first therapy session in two days Omg! I need your advice, not necessarily reassurance, but more advice? My HOCD is throwing random “proof” I did/ saw as a child in my face, which back then had no meaning in my life and I continued to live a perfectly heterosexual life. I’ve educated myself about arousal non concordance / child’s play, but it still doesn’t remove the HOCD. I’ve read therapists great explanations on how it’s not a sexuality issue, BUT ITS AN OCD BRAIN ISSUE. So basically I’ve been straight and i will die as straight. But my ocd is still continuing with the intrusive thoughts/flashbacks. I’ve had some moments where I haven’t done as many compulsions and had less anxiety but still had those damn thoughts and I DO NOT want those damn thoughts. I have so much proof and factual/logical explanations but HOCD is still continuing to thrive. I absolutely hate this and I feel so alone. I wish there was a reset button cause I don’t want these thoughts to happen. I want a man and I stand by that. How do y’all deal with these situations? Cause sitting with the thoughts is clearly not helping.

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