- Username
- spunkleborg
- Date posted
- 2y ago
I remember being at my aunts house. And she was with her GF. And I remember looking at her and asking her if she was and she answered yes. And that’s it she didn’t go into detail or anything I was just a kid. My mom came and picked me up. I asked my mom if I was going to be like her because she’s my aunt. And my mom said no that’s not how that works. And I remember when I figured it out and when she confirmed it that i was scared I didn’t feel like oh that’s the one like me. I felt dread I didn’t want to be like her. And it’s not like my mom was like oh that’s evil blah blah fire and brimstone know she just said no that’s not how that works. And I didn’t think my aunt was bad I just didn’t wanna be like her at all
I can’t remember clearly but I could’ve sworn it all began when I had this dream about kissing another girl (mind you I’ve met this girl once in my life, MAYBE twice but idk for sure). It’s so weird though like this is life now.
I was at a basketball game and someone asked me if I was gay. That’s when I started to think, what if I am? I thought that it was ridiculous and the thought would just go away like other thoughts because I’ve always been attracted to girls. I kept thinking if I was in a relationship how everything would be ruined if I was. I became distanced from all of my friends because I was afraid to get a random feeling of attraction that I’ve never had before.
I saw a tiktok of someone saying I’m not gay or bi but I wouldn’t mind kissing a girl and the thoughts just came since I said oh yeah same so yeah that’s how my so-ocd began
for those with sexual orientation ocd.. if you are comfortable sharing (and if you remember), what was the moment/person/place/etc. that first triggered your sexual orientation ocd? i’m just genuinely curious and want to see if there are any patterns. for me it was the summer before my freshman year of high school (i am currently 21). i was going to a pride parade with some family friends and was texting a guy that i ended up dating for a while. to be quite frank, he was a total idiot. he asked what was up and i told him that i was going to a pride parade with some friends. his immediate response was “wait does that mean that you are gay??”. i remember that i got this weird sensation of panic after i read that text. and his question like stayed lingering in my mind for longer than it should have. long story short, my sexual orientation ocd really kicked in halfway through my freshman year of high school..but i didn’t realize that that was what it was until about 2 years ago.
It all started two months ago when I was making scenarios in my head to fall asleep.. i was imagining myself kissing a man and then it turned into a woman. The moment that happened, I opened my eyes and panicked.. it was complete panic, i started sweating, crying and I couldn’t function anymore. I started asking myself “am i gay”, “i have to come out to my boyfriend”, “i have to come out to everyone”, it was all within the span of 10 minutes… soooo overwhelming!! My mind acted as if I was gay, I lost my sense of identity, I couldn’t even trust myself anymore even when I reassured myself. It was such an awful cycle, to look at any person, a man to make sure i was straight, and a woman to make sure I wasn’t gay… i feel ashamed saying this. If i looked at a woman a certain way, like oh she’s pretty, my mind would say yes u see ur gay. After two months, I imagine any interest with a female stranger as a confirmation of being gay, I’m so nervous all the time, i start sweating and checking for groinal responses (the worst is when the response happens).. i cant afford a session with a therapist now, and i keep saying that i dont have OCD, im in denial, and that one day ill be gay. Can someone offer some insight on wether this sounds like OCD?
Curious to hear how other peoples intrusive thoughts come up in regards to this theme? I constantly have an “I’m gay” replaying in my head and it’s the first thing that sometimes plays in my head when I wake up. I can’t tell if this is an intrusive thought or if I’m just in denial with myself. It doesn’t really give me anxiety anymore like it used to. More sadness/ state of depression and just overall annoyance. I’m in a relationship and when I started to date my current bf is when all of this came up for me. Curious to hear other people’s experiences with the kind of thoughts they have. Granted I have been dealing with this since about Nov of 2022 or maybe even earlier and it feels like I’ve had an array of intrusive thoughts. Quite frankly I also don’t have an OCD diagnosis but a previous therapist I had(not an OCD specialist) told me that I just have GAD with OCD personality and traits.
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