- Username
- ducky
- Date posted
- 2y ago
are you someone with an anxious-avoidant attachment style? bc I'm kinda like that and it's also fueling my rocd
yes i am lol
@ducky yeahhhhh then u know the reasons. good luck with all that, u can do it
@nothavingagoodtime same to you
I keep walls up, I never seem to let them down, in fear of not protecting myself of that other person decides to bail on me and our relationship, then it seems I'll be able to handle it better with the walls up if they leave. I'm always worrying something bad is going to happen. Its rough
I related to this so much it hurt my own heart to read it. I think eventually we can stop the patterns from repeating. But it takes time and an awful lot of work and patience. Sometimes I feel like I'm incapable of love now, but one thing that helps me is to think of it in small steps. Maybe you can't let everyone in again yet, but just try a kind sentence, a smile, show someone you care even if it feels a little unreal at first. It will then start to grow on you again!đź’–
even with friends. i can't maintain friendships because the flaws in any connection terrify me and weigh so heavily just in the act of noticing them. it feels like i've poisoned it.
everything feeds into itself. the obsessions make me cause hurt people, i ruminate and obsess about that hurt and convince myself im evil, people come to love me and the thoughts feed back in and i panic and see history repeating itself. everything is patterns to me. everything has a deeper meaning. this illness will use absolutely everything as a weapon and the more real evidence it generates the more difficult it becomes to refute it. and the line is so unbelievably blurry at a certain point. and of course, what isn't clear cut is a generator of uncertainty. if its a character flaw, certainly can't also be ocd >>>>> it was all your fault
i'm so unbelievably sick to my stomach of myself. i watch myself discard people because i've "poisioned" a connection with the constant back and forth and paranoia and nitpicking and obsessing over greener grass and they're one step closer to finding out who i """really am""". shit just adds fuel to the fire.
people want to love me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why am i incapable of sitting still with them?
I’m so worried that I’ll never get married or be in a relationship because I’ve always pushed guys I was seeing away right before we’ve committed. Growing up this was always a constant thing, I’d like a guy, we’d have a good time together then I’d get scared, feel overwhelmed and trapped and start comparing him to what I “want” and if he met everything on my “checklist” and then push him away. I really liked these guys too and then I’d be so mean to them just because I wanted them out of my life cause I was just so overwhelmed and trapped. I didn’t even know ROCD was a thing, I thought I was just picky and then I thought I couldn’t receive love and then I thought I was aromantic and then asexual, but it wasn’t true because I did like being sexual with guys I really liked and I do like affection. It makes sense that this is ROCD because I’ve always had ocd tendencies and control issues. Does anybody else with ROCD just very hesitant about even getting in a relationship because they fear they’re stuck with someone forever and then start nit picking and then get turned off and then start to question everything??? I once talked to a guy who used the wrong “youre” and got scared and almost stopped talking to him fully. And the only relief when I feel overwhelmed is just being alone like I love being alone but I’m so sad because I want a boyfriend but feel I’m just not capable of loving and being loved. I guess now that I have a name to it I can work on it.
it feels like im drowning. i feel trapped. ***rocd vent*** my rocd has made things difficult in my relationship with my boyfriend, and i’m frightened that it’s the end i cant breathe without thinking it’s the end of him and me, i cant eat at all and i cant stop living with fear it’s been rocky lately with him, but i’m determined to keep going i want to because i truly cherish him, and love him yet my brain keeps asking me if i really do want to keep going, if i really do love him, and if i’m really okay with spending my days just dreading the end im obviously not, i want things to be okay again, but my ocd keeps haunting and haunting me and i’m so scared that these thoughts are my real ones, that these are my true feelings ive been open about my ocd with him, and this has contributed to the rocky patch it doesn’t help that i’m not formally diagnosed, and it also doesn’t help that i’ve been doubting whether or not i have ocd. (i have what i believe are a lot of the symptoms, but even then i doubt myself) i just feel like i’m drowning. i want peace in my head and in my heart. i want things to be back to normal with him and me, and i want to be happy. it just doesn’t feel the same, and i feel like it’s my fault for starting us on this rocky path. the last thing i want is a breakup, yet my thoughts tell me that i’d like freedom. they chant that i need to escape and run far far away. they make me feel like the only way out of the way i feel is by ending it, and i don’t want to end it. the only things moving me forward is the knowledge that i’ll get to speak to a professional soon (in two weeks), and the hope that things get better in time. thank you to whoever reads my rant, and i’m sorry if this is triggering. i just needed to write how i feel somewhere. reassurance has been driving me downhill, so please don’t reassure me. if possible, just give me advice on how to cope with feeling this way.
I always wonder “what if I’m not attracted to my partner” “what if I still have feelings for other people” “what if I cheated on my partner” “what if my partner cheats on me” “what If my partner annoys me and I don’t actually want to be with him” and I’ll do this so much over and over that I get so worked up I’ll criticize him, over analyze him, feel as though I don’t like him. But then an hour later after I find relief ( from telling him, looking things up, talking to my sisters about it) I’ll be in love with him but I won’t fully feel it because I’ll just be thinking about how I just felt before and how bad it was or anticipate it again for the future. So I’m constantly ruining it for myself, and it hurts so bad because he’s so perfect for me and so kind to me and everything about our relationship is right but my mind tries to convince me of other things and it feels so real.
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