rocd has ruined every single relationship i've had, even from a young age. i keep hurting the people i love. i always see it coming. i always see the pain im causing and i try to mask it to make sure people feel unconditionally cared for and end up feeling like a liar. people love me so well, and i'm never fully in it because of my doubts or silent nitpicking and i just want to shake myself until my brain lines up properly. i'm so tired of generating so much pain. i'm so tired of running because of this disorder and making the ones i love feel abandoned and alone. i want to give and receive love. i want to comfort my loved ones but i cant because know it's my fault and if i let them lean on me it'll draw us both back into my spiral. i always see it coming too. this shit keeps me ruminating on how much hurt i've caused. i can't wait to get help. i need help. i need this cycle to stop.

are you someone with an anxious-avoidant attachment style? bc I'm kinda like that and it's also fueling my rocd

I keep walls up, I never seem to let them down, in fear of not protecting myself of that other person decides to bail on me and our relationship, then it seems I'll be able to handle it better with the walls up if they leave. I'm always worrying something bad is going to happen. Its rough

I related to this so much it hurt my own heart to read it. I think eventually we can stop the patterns from repeating. But it takes time and an awful lot of work and patience. Sometimes I feel like I'm incapable of love now, but one thing that helps me is to think of it in small steps. Maybe you can't let everyone in again yet, but just try a kind sentence, a smile, show someone you care even if it feels a little unreal at first. It will then start to grow on you again!💖

even with friends. i can't maintain friendships because the flaws in any connection terrify me and weigh so heavily just in the act of noticing them. it feels like i've poisoned it.

everything feeds into itself. the obsessions make me cause hurt people, i ruminate and obsess about that hurt and convince myself im evil, people come to love me and the thoughts feed back in and i panic and see history repeating itself. everything is patterns to me. everything has a deeper meaning. this illness will use absolutely everything as a weapon and the more real evidence it generates the more difficult it becomes to refute it. and the line is so unbelievably blurry at a certain point. and of course, what isn't clear cut is a generator of uncertainty. if its a character flaw, certainly can't also be ocd >>>>> it was all your fault

i'm so unbelievably sick to my stomach of myself. i watch myself discard people because i've "poisioned" a connection with the constant back and forth and paranoia and nitpicking and obsessing over greener grass and they're one step closer to finding out who i """really am""". shit just adds fuel to the fire.

people want to love me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why am i incapable of sitting still with them?