It’s just constantly giving me intrusive thoughts of girls with male bodyparts... 😭😭😭 I only want a girl to love and be with... I don’t ever wanna be attracted to a guy ever... 😞😞😞

I am a 18 year old masc lesbian with a loving girlfriend for 1 year, and I have been lesbian for almost my whole life and I have never been attracted to men in any way. flash to my past, My ex girlfriend who used to identify as a lesbian had cheated on me with a man. Recently I saw this tiktok of this masc lesbian turn straight and my friends and girlfriend made jokes I am going to turn straight for my male best friend. My male best friend came over and he’s a great guy but I do not want him in any way. when him and i were hanging out my mind threw in a thought it was “What if i like him”, i came back home and i had the worst panic attack and i felt so sick, i cried and i cried. ever since that day I have been struggling with intrusive thoughts, i don’t want a man in any way, and i feel comfortable as a lesbian but these thoughts won’t stop and they become worse when i see people say being lesbian is a phase or that i haven’t met the right guy or i’ll change in the future. i just want these thoughts to stop, i don’t want to stop being a lesbian ever, i love women so much and i just want all of this to be over with. i do not want a man in any way and im tired of my thoughts doubting myself and i hate the “what ifs”, I just want to be my old self, I want to be happy with my girlfriend.

hey guys, i am really really struggling and i feel like crying. evry day i get this feeling of sexual attraction to the same gender, and i get those feelings even just thinking about it now. i hste them and want them to go away but they simply won’t and it has me thinking that this is just how my life is gonna be like. when i was fully healed or atleast thought i was healed from the false attraction and soocd, i still sometimes got that attraction feeling, and i would force my body not to feel it. i hated it and was scared of liking it so i would like stop breathing and make it stop. it was only ever occasional but this is making me concerned now too, because i still sometimes felt that feeling when i was healed. now currently my main trigger is masculine girls, but when my soocd first started i had no false attraction or attraction like this towards girls, and it was all just in my mind like saying, “don’t look at that girl or you’re gay.” there was one point in my soocd where i was worried about being attracted to my friends, but i am greatful in the sense of i know that that is not true and my main issue is the false attraction watching videos and i have experienced it once in real life too and i hated it. please lmk what i should do or even if you can relate. i am sick of feeling th is way, and i am a christian too so this makes it harder. i’ve tried everything like accepting it, or trying to even say to myself yes u do like it but it always just leads to me being scared.

I won’t explain this again if you’ve been or going through it you know what I’m talking about. I felt good about women about an hour ago and now I’m worrying again I’m anxious and the groinals are back and it’s so annoying because I can’t study. And honestly I’m so sick and tired of this. I’ve been a girl crazy my whole life and my mind randomly decides “well what if you are gay” like bro. I’ve never seen a guy that way and in general IT WAS NEVER SOMETHING I THOUGHT ABOUT OR ASSOCIATED MYSELF WITH. IVE NEVER FELT ANYTHING TOWARDS A MAN AND NOW IT FEELS LIKE IT RANDOMLY FLIPPED. I CANT DO THIS BRO. WHY WOULD THIS HAPPEN IVE BEEN GOING THROUGH INSECURITIES ALREADY AND MY ATTRACTION WAS THE ONLY REAL THING I HAD LEFT AND NOW THIS. HOW MUCH DO YOU HATE ME GOD.