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MentallyDrained

Date posted: 3y

I’d like some guidance please (not reassurance, just guidance). I’m recovering from HOCD and I think I’m doing quite well. The thing is…my brain doesn’t like that…AT ALL. I’ve developed a new obsession over men now (as a heterosexual woman in HOCD recovery this seems weird, I know but please bear with me). I’ve seen 3 guys lately that I don’t think are bad looking and I don’t think I want to date them but my mind keeps messing with me. I’ve lost myself entirely. I don’t even know what my taste in men is like anymore. When I’m having thoughts such as “he’s not bad looking but I don’t think he’s my type. I just appreciate him,” but then start to obsess over if this is true should I dismiss it like normal OCD? It seems as if my OCD has transformed and latched onto anything it could. With the fact that my HOCD, almost diminished my attraction entirely (which is normal btw) I no longer no what it feels like to fancy someone instead of admire them. Well, I do sometimes. It’s funny because in rare occasions I may see a guy and feel unmistakable attraction towards them (in these moments I feel crazy about ever obsessing over who I like because it’s obvious there’s something different with them). However, I also worry that my taste in men has changed because of HOCD and that concerns me for some reason. I think my OCD stems from a need to be in control as I have a lot of Perfectionist OCD traits (such as re-reading and checking, trying to make it “just right,” worrying if I don’t do things a certain way as I won’t seem good enough, etc). I was always very sure of my identity; I knew what I liked and didn’t like but HOCD threw that under the bus. Deep down I know who I am but I’m lost in all these intrusive thoughts so I honestly don’t know who I am half the time. Can someone give me some advice? Thanks.

cf05

Date posted: 3y

I am dealing with this as well. My intrusive thoughts have gotten so severe that I think I have also developed TOCD, which is even more terrifying. I, too, am a heterosexual woman and have been having SOOCD thoughts that I can trace back to my childhood. It’s like I feel like I am gay and have to be gay, even though the thought of being that has always brought on so much anxiety. I don’t know who I am anymore, and I feel so disconnected from myself now. I used to look at women and would admire them for having bodies that I wish I looked like or for having confidence that I wish I could have, which would trigger intrusive thoughts but would always go away because I knew I was still attracted to men and only wanted to pursue relationships with men. Now I am absolutely distraught because I am feeling like I have zero attraction to men anymore and spend hours and hours checking to see if I can feel anything toward them anymore. I have only been in two relationships in the past, both of which were with men whom I loved very much, but now I’m scared that those don’t mean anything and that I have always deep down been lesbian. On top of this, I feel like I don’t even look feminine enough anymore, which terrifies me because I never want to be transgender. I cannot do this because I never want these thoughts to be true but it really really feels like they are.

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