- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
And the fact that he is making the call that its just ocd when I havent even told him every single thought/proof/feeling.
- Date posted
- 3y
I think you should tell him and explain that he doesn’t have all the information and hasn’t heard your full story.
- Date posted
- 3y
@baeonce It just triggers me that i am or might be going through a sexual/gender crisis it makes me suicidal and depressed and when I tell him all the things, It will be ond clear to me and i wont be able run away from it anymore or hide behind ocd.
- Date posted
- 3y
I can relate to this 100%. I am going through the exact same thing where it feels like I have gender dysphoria now and not just OCD. I would rather die than be transgender but it feels like I have no choice but to be.
- Date posted
- 3y
It just feels like Im feminine and never really understood what being a man felt like until hocd and these trans thoughts/feelings hit me. And now im running from my true self
- Date posted
- 3y
@Imaan7 I am in the same position but as a woman struggling with feeling masculine. I have always loved being a woman, but I have had major self confidence issues most of my life. While I always thought this was body dysmorphia, I am starting the feel like it was actual gender dysphoria all along. I do not want to be transgender at all, the thought of it makes me sick.
- Date posted
- 3y
@cf05 Thats where we differ, I cant bring myself to say I dont want to be trans or gay, my mind just cant say those things i dont know why, Im afraid its because I know deep down I am those things. Those thoughts dont make me sick or disgusted either. If you look at me IRL i look really manly, like I have a big beard, hairy af, broad shoulders, although skinny but its my insides that feel like a girl or wanting to turn into one or dress up like one and these freaking thoughts cause me arousals. I really think/know this is just a sexual/gender crisis i mean even my psycologist reassured me I have ocd but I didnt feel a thing and if I tell him every thought I wont be able to run away anymore.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Imaan7 Hey man we’ve discussed this before but if the thoughts are arousing you, you probably have comorbid OCD and transvestic fetishistic disorder. That’s what it is for me. I would read about these things to gain more insight. But what you’re describing is not gender dysphoria.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Owen Roberts I honsetly avoid reading anything, Im very gullible in general and right now my brain wont be able to handle it. Would you mind summarizing it? Whats gender dysmorphia? I dont even know these terms
- Date posted
- 3y
@Owen Roberts Dysphoria* sorry
- Date posted
- 3y
@Imaan7 Gender dysphoria means you have a strong identification as the other gender and desire to become a member of that gender as soon as possible with social transition, hormones, surgery, etc. Transvestic fetishism means that the idea of being a woman, having female body parts, wearing womens clothes, etc. sexually arouses you. As you know TOCD, involves intrusive thoughts about wanting to become or becoming a member of the other gender. In abnormal psychology, fetishes and the obsessions of OCD are considered to occupy different areas of the same abnormal spectrum. Therefore, they are often comorbid. I have this and it sounds like you do as well. If you haven’t mentioned it to your therapist, you should mention that the thoughts arouse you.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Owen Roberts What does this mean for us? I think I feel loads of anxiety so it might be anxiety arousal? Not sure, I also dont feel like I want to have boobs or a vagina again not sure, i havent really given much thought to any of this to be honest, just that these thoughts/images/feelings come in my head, and several areas of my body and make me feel like Im a girl or want to be one. And I cane across some porn content the other day it was images of women with captions telling men to feminize themselves and do gay stuff and TMI* that gave me a hard on which sent me into a bad attack. Ive never questioned or thought about my sexuality or gender ever before ocd began so that has to account for something right?
- Date posted
- 3y
@Imaan7 Yea you’re in the same boat as me. Everything you said checks out.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Owen Roberts Why dosent that reassure or make me feel better man? I just feel like this is how I was always supposed to be and i know this is me deep down.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Imaan7 It doesn’t reassure you because you have OCD and OCD will never let you have certainty. It’s the same with me.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Owen Roberts Thanks man, although i still feel how I was yesterday but appreciate your help
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.
- Date posted
- 19w
First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldn’t give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we weren’t going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasn’t true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, “Oh, there’s other hotter girls” and, “Your ex looked so much better.” and I couldn’t stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, “what if you don’t like her because you’re secretly gay?”. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, “thoughts are just thoughts” method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary “American Murder: Gabby Petito” and all of a sudden my mind began to think, “What if I’m secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?”. For about a week straight, It’s all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didn’t know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didn’t know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, “You want to kill your gf because you’re just gay”. This sent me into such great panic, I couldn’t eat for days and couldn’t feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I can’t stop “checking”. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is “good” enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that I’m more than just gay. Truth is, I don’t know anymore. I’ve always loved girls and my gf. I don’t know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. I’ve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.
- Date posted
- 19w
I tried checking if I like gay stuff and it’s genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, it’s always the same response, I don’t get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I don’t think that I am magically turning gay. I don’t think my orientation is changing or hasn’t been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so it’s not that I’m homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I don’t get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that it’ll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl I’ve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I don’t remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things we’ve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so it’s not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didn’t have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldn’t stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasn’t going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldn’t stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldn’t find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, “Maybe this isn’t a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did so”. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I can’t feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but it’s always been a struggle for me to believe. I can’t go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I can’t find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasn’t vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just can’t destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.
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