Any other women feel like they have a hard time picturing themselves as mothers in the future? I’m only 19 but my entire life I’ve had this weird feeling that I’d never be able to have children or that I wouldn’t be a good mother, which is making my SOOCD and TOCD way worse right now because it’s making me feel like I am not going to be a mother because I am lesbian/transgender. I don’t want to be either of these things and I want to have a family with a husband and children of my own some day, but it just feels like that’s out of the picture for me.

How do you deal with it? I am starting to feel like this is gender dysphoria and an identity crisis rather than OCD

@cf05 I’ve questioned my gender identity in the past. About three years ago. But I didn’t have any anxiety tied to it. In the background I was dealing with a lot of family issues (daddy issues and my grandma had died). I literally tried to hypnotize myself into identifying as a woman as crazy as that may sound. But it didn’t work and I went back to my usual activities because obviously I’m not transgender. But in June 2020 I started to get intrusive thoughts that I wanted to be a woman or that I would become a woman. It was first triggered by *enjoying myself* (using that as a euphemism as not to get too graphic) to online images of people transitioning online. If you’re unaware, there is something that is basically a male-only phenomenon called transvestic fetishism, and it’s comorbid with OCD. I’ve basically beaten the fetish disorder through my own willpower to not “do it” to those sorts of things, but the OCD that is tied to it is very much present in my life. From what I’ve read, transgender OCD in guys is very much tied to fetishes and pornography. Sorry if that was TMI or TLDR.

@cf05 Sorry you asked how to deal with it. I went on a tangent because you mentioned it being dysphoria and an identity crisis. Because in my experience, it’s not dysphoria and rather a complicated web of issues that appear similar to dysphoria but aren’t. I just try to accept the fact that I’ll never have certainty that I don’t want to be a woman. By the way I also get intrusive thoughts about having sex with my male friends but for whatever reason those thoughts just don’t bother me much. They’re certainly annoying but they don’t make me feel like I’m having an existential crisis.

@Owen Roberts Thank you for sharing your story and I’m glad to hear that you are doing much better now. I am a straight woman and have always identified as such, and only ever want to identify as such. However, throughout my life I have had intrusive thoughts about being gay that would come and go throughout the different phases of my life. I’ve never wished I was a man or felt like I was a man inside, which is what is making this so painful. This current bout of SOOCD intrusive thoughts feels extremely real and is actually making me think that I am attracted to women, even though I never want to be gay. On top of that, developing thoughts about being transgender has been debilitating because it feels like an attack on my identity. I have always had low self esteem, but this has never been because I am a girl and didn’t want to be. I only ever want to be a woman and desparately want me femininity back, but it feels like it’s never going to come back because these thoughts feel like they must be true. I don’t identify as being a part of the LGBT community and never have, so these thoughts are incredibly painful because I do not ever want to identify myself in those categories.

My home life has actually been extremely pleasant and comforting. I am happiest when I am at home with my family, which includes my two parents and my older sister , as they make me feel loved in ways that no one else can. I am 19 and am currently a sophomore in college. Another thing that has been triggering to me has been my patterns with anxiety surrounding school. I always had anxiety going to school when I was younger because I didn’t like leaving home, which went away until about high school when I dreaded going to school every day again out of fear of being judged. I then went away for college my freshman year and ended up coming home after one semester because I felt like I just didn’t fit in with the crowd there. Everyone wanted to go out and party all the time and everyone was so caught up in appearances that it made my social anxiety 1000x worse. I felt better almost immediately when I moved home from school and could be back with the people that make me feel safe. A lot of the issues I faced while away at school also had to do with the lack of control I had over my surroundings, as I have always been someone who likes to be able to control their environment. Now, I have been going to a school near my house, which I have liked better because I get to come home after a long day and, again, be where I feel comfortable. However, I have had a hard time making/maintaining friends at both schools, as well as with letting people get close to me, because I’m afraid that they are not being genuine when they like hanging out with me. This all just makes my SOOCD and TOCD thoughts so much worse because it feels like my social anxiety and low self esteem are really a result of something larger about myself that I don’t want to admit. Like I said, I don’t want to be either of those things at all, but it is starting to feel more real than ever. Sorry if this was too much information but I just thought I would share a bit about my story as well to give you a better idea of what my struggles look like.

@cf05 No need to be sorry; I enjoyed reading that. I’m curious as to what could be at the bottom of your low self-esteem. Because as that video argues, these thought patterns are really subconsciously based in self-loathing and low self-esteem from traumatic experiences in early childhood. For me, it’s very easy to see this connection, but from what you’ve said it’s difficult to wonder what could be the cause of it, since you have good relationships with your family. Did you have any experience with bullying in school early on?

@cf05 I’m a college sophomore too by the way. Where do you go? What are you studying?

@Owen Roberts I did deal with a bit of bullying in high school yes, but nothing as severe as what others go through. For me, it was more so immature classmates trying to torment me and fake friends just constantly stabbing me in the back one after another. High school was definitely rough for me. And I go to a small school near my hometown and I am studying health sciences.

@cf05 I would say that that counts as bullying. Maybe not full on bullying, but it approximates it for sure. Being made fun or fake friends stabbing you in the back is definitely bullying imo. And funnily enough, the earliest experience I can remember with bullying involved being stabbed in back/led on by fake friends who just used me for their own selfish humorous enjoyment. Perhaps that’s a conmon theme among OCD people.

@Owen Roberts Thank you for sharing. This just feels like gender dysphoria now, even though being transgender is literally the last thing on Earth that I want. I just want to feel beautiful and feminine again, opposed to how I am feeling now, which is like im in the middle of a mid life crisis. I fear that these thoughts are true and also fear that if they are not true (which I hope to God they are not) that I will always suffer knowing that I at one point had these thoughts.

@cf05 Well what you’re describing isn’t gender dysphoria. I think what you’re describing is something I have experienced, in which the OCD tries to convince you that you really do have dysphoria so that the thoughts can be perceived as “real” and make you feel awful because you don’t want them to be true.

@Owen Roberts How do you remind yourself that it is just OCD attacking who you are?? I am finding it so hard to keep in mind that that is not who I am, nor is it who I want to be, which makes the already overpowering thoughts seem even more real. I am having such a hard time because I feel like I am losing myself, and I never want that to happen. I just want to go back to how I felt before when I didn’t worry about this.

@cf05 I mean sometimes I “check” to see if I like the idea of my body changing. Aka, more body fat, breasts, female genitalia, etc., and I always react negatively, because I like my body how it is and I’m comfortable with it. But that’s a compulsion. Otherwise, I just recognize that when I go relatively long stretches without anxiety or intrusive thoughts, which sometimes can last several hours, that that is the real me because these things are just a pathology of the mind and when they don’t show themselves to you you don’t even think about them.

@Owen Roberts My problem is that I am starting to feel like I do want these things when I visualize myself with male features, even though, again, I do not want to be transgender. It feels as though I almost have no choice because these thoughts are starting to feel more like desires. I don’t want this at all but I’m afraid it’s destined to happen. I don’t want this for myself, I don’t want this for my family. I am disgusted at the fact that this is likely true. When I used to look at men and feel so attracted to them, I now feel like I secretly always just wanted to look like them, even though I have been in love with only men before. I don’t know what happened to me.

@cf05 This happens to me as well. Whenever I see girls at college that I find pretty, I have thoughts or a general sense of wonder as to whether I find them attractive or I secretly want to look like them. But that’s OCD. Having thoughts of wanting to look like a woman does not mean you identify as such at an innate level (for you it’s the reverse).

@Owen Roberts I just don’t know where to draw the line between OCD and dysphoria. I feel like I am suddenly wanting these thoughts because I’ve always had a hard time visualizing myself as a wife and mother but I don’t want to not be those things. In all honesty, I do have never understood why people would transition from their biological gender because it just didn’t seem like something that impacted me but now I fear that it does. I don’t want to be transgender because it would ruin my life entirely, but the more I think about it, the more it feels like it’s real and always has been. I can’t share this with anyone in my personal life because being LGBT goes against our values, but bottling it up has only led to me catastrophizing and convincing myself that these thoughts are real. I could never accept this if it were true, but it really feels like it is because I don’t even feel feminine when I look in the mirror anymore and all I think about is how I look like a man

@cf05 People who have gender dysphoria identity at an innate level with the other gender. What you’re describing is not that. People who have gender dysphoria don’t have “thoughts” about becoming the opposite sex. It’s part of their identity, which operates at the deep level of their personhood. Thoughts are just neurons firing in your brain. You can’t control them. Well, you can influence them through meditation, etc., but you can’t physically control your thoughts. Also, about it “feel[ing] like it’s real and always has been,” I also get similar thoughts. For example, I can remember looking at an old picture of myself when I was 11 years old, and I was taking a picture with a college baseball player a summer league baseball game. I wondered “Was I transgender then? How do I know?” Etc. OCD makes you question your entire existence, including the past, present, and future. Logically, one can deduce that if you were comfortable as your birth sex and identifying as such at the time, and that you didn’t even know what it would mean to not identify as such at the time, that you were not transgender at the time. But OCD is a disorder; a pathology of the mind. It does not operate logically. It’s illogical. You just need to learn to recognize that your thoughts exist, but they don’t indicate anything deeper about you other than that you have OCD.

@Owen Roberts Actually, what I said at the bottom there is not entirely accurate. The thoughts indicate both that you have OCD and that you have low self-esteem. Because sometimes I get thoughts that make me doubt myself when I think about planning to incorporate positive habits into my life to combat the OCD. (In other words, thoughts that things like therapy, meditation, hobbies, etc. are just false attempts on my part to cover up supposedly subconscious gender dysphoria or pedophilia or whatever it is). Low self-esteem makes you subconsciously desire to not feel good about yourself because you have been convinced subconsciously that you are worthless. The intrusive thoughts, including thoughts that make you doubt yourself when it comes to improving your condition, are really just a way for your subconscious to not become disrupted. Your subconscious wants you to feel like shit because it has become convinced that that is what you deserve. You have to recognize and unlearn that subconsciously by learning to love yourself.

@Owen Roberts Thank you. I am working on trying to separate my thoughts from my values, but I feel like OCD is completely distorting what my values are. I am just so scared that these thoughts are true, especially now that I feel like I am imagining myself with male parts (sorry if that is disturbing, believe me, it is extremely disturbing to me too). Also, if you don’t mind me sharing, I have always been rather petite, so my feminine features are smaller than some of my other female family members, and the fact that I have always loved this about myself and loved being smaller makes feel like I must just not like being a woman, even though I do love being a woman. It’s so painful because I just can’t stop imagining myself in a different way every time I look in the mirror or camera or get dressed. I overthink literally everything and it’s making me not want to live anymore because it feels like I am just using OCD as an excuse. The fact that I am actually imagining myself in this way feels 100% like dysphoria, like textbook. I’m so scared, I do not want to go through a life change like that ever. The only thing I want to change about my life is my confidence levels and my ability to get rid of these horrible thoughts so I can finally feel like myself again.

@cf05 I basically shared my old masturbation habits so that was pretty mild in comparison lol. Like I said, OCD makes you question everything. It’s illogical and reasoning with it does not resolve the issue. It just reinforces the problem. And also, like I’ve said, what you’re describing simply isn’t gender dysphoria. Now I also get similar thoughts. For example, when I put on dress pants, shirts, ties, etc., I’ll get a sense of feeling like I’m faking masculinity. But again, this is just OCD. It’s an obsession about what is and isn’t real, how you know, etc. They’re just obsessions that are, unfortunately, quite disturbing. But they just mean that you 1) have low self-esteem (at the subconscious level) and 2) that you have OCD. You just have to push forward with your life and love yourself. Now what that means is unclear even to me but I know that that’s the solution.

@Owen Roberts Can I ask how you can tell that what I’m experiencing is not dysphoria, but rather symptoms of TOCD?

@cf05 Ive read about all these various conditions and what you’re describing simply isn’t what people with gender dysphoria experience. For example, a transgender man would be a biological female like yourself who has no desire to dress or present feminine and only wants to wear mens clothes. This person would feel very strongly that they ARE a man. They would want to physically change their body through hormones, etc. What you’re describing is an OBSESSION about the *idea* (or the concept, notion, etc.) of dressing up as/looking like the opposite gender, etc. These are completely different phenomena. One is gender dysphoria; the other is OCD.

@Owen Roberts I do feel like this is dysphoria though. I love to workout and spend most of my time in active wear, so whenever I go out with my friends, I do not feel comfortable and sexy wearing revealing clothes like they do.

@cf05 You could just be a tomboy. That’s possible. Preferring mens clothes doesn’t mean you want to be a man. There are guys who crossdress for fun and they aren’t transwomen and don’t have thoughts about being or wanting to be that way. Dressing a certain way really indicates nothing about your identity, but people who ARE transgender typically first express it through an intense desire to wear clothes associated with the other gender and an intense dislike of the clothes associated with their own.

@Owen Roberts I should say, clothes associated with the gender they identify with and those associated with their birth sex.

@Owen Roberts I wouldn’t even consider myself a tomboy, I love wearing girly clothes and dressing cute, but just feel like I look better in athletic wear, like leggings/workout tops. I don’t think this is just OCD anymore though. I just watch some YouTube videos on female to male transitions and when people knew they were trans and feel like I am experiencing all of the textbook signs. I don’t want this to be true at all, but I am afraid I may just be running from the truth.

@cf05 Yeah, what you’re describing is textbook OCD. If you “feel” like you’re experiencing the textbook signs, then that’s an obsession. If you’re afraid that you’re in denial or running from the truth, then that’s also an obsession. Truth be told, I’ve had similar experiences where I read about people transitioning from male to female and I “thought” that I was experiencing the “signs,” but OCD can very much approximate these feelings without being true.

@Owen Roberts Thank you for sharing that. One thing that’s helping me cling to hope is that these people seem to feel comfortable when they realize that this is the answer to all of their questions, whereas I feel like I am losing my mind and am having physical illness over it.

@cf05 That’s because it’s OCD, not dysphoria. The problem at heart has nothing to do with your gender identity. It’s because you have low self-esteem and so your subconscious is torturing you with this to ensure that your self-esteem aligns with how your subconscious believes you should feel.

@Owen Roberts Why is it that when I wake up in the middle of the night these thoughts feel like I am just identifying as a man rather than being able to separate myself from the thoughts I’m having and who I am

@cf05 I also feel so disconnected from my feminine self. Like it feels like I don’t even appreciate my anatomy anymore, which is a definite sign of dysphoria

@cf05 OMG I finally found somebody who feels the same! In the night I can’t separate the thoughts from my identity anymore!!

@cf05 I am even so afraid of being in denial that I wasn’t able to pick a profile picture except this Pinguin or the cat

@cf05 Trying to be “feminine “ like before feels so fake and forced now