I am so close to the edge right now and I don’t know what to do. I truly feel like giving up. It all started when a doctor I saw at amen clinics told me that if I drink it increases chances of acting on my violent intrusive thoughts. It freaked me out because I drank before I had severe ocd but I did have ocd my whole life and I was so scared that my mind was gonna be sure that I killed someone and then actually kill someone because of that. Then it took him 2 days to clarify and send a response where he totally changed his words and said he doesn’t believe I would pose a risk more than anyone else. But that was after I already started getting the what if I believed I did so I do thoughts. A couple of days later it was my birthday and I was feeling so depressed ever since the doctor incident feeling irredeemable and so alone because I was sure noone else was told such a thing by a reputable doctor especially after he brain scanned me. I felt I was alone and I would be the only case that actually acts on my thoughts. Anyway it was my birthday and I said fuck this shit, I’m not gonna be miserable on my birthday and never drink again because of this doctor I am gonna choose myself for once. And so I drank. For some reason I didn’t feel as guilty for that time but a couple of days after I was still feeling very bad and I decided I wanted to enjoy my lunch with my boyfriend and I ended up drinking 2 glasses of wine even though it wasn’t even my birthday. I guess I figured since I had done it before it wouldn’t make much of a difference. But my bf suggested I do weed gummy instead from now on so I got some and when I got home I was telling him I shouldn’t do that today because I already drank. And he said it wouldn’t make a difference and I didn’t wanna disappoint him for some reason and I thought I would just stay up till I felt right if anything. So I ate half of a weed gummy. I didn’t feel much except a bit tired and hungry. And I slept and was fine the next day. But the following day I was reminded of the doctor’s response that he wrote on top of the clarification email where he said “I dont see how me telling you to avoid too much alcahol is controversial in any way. What I said has no effect on the events that occured till now.” Another confusing ass email. Getting my mind to think oh so me drinking recently could have made me do things? So I called to clarify and then he said that is not what he meant. But anyway after that I started to feel very guilty about the other day drinking two glasses of wine and doing half of a weed gummy. I feel like I didn’t know what effects the gummy would have but I took the chance and risked peoples lives. Over my selfishness and inability to say no. Even if it doesnt mean that I hurt people after, I didn’t know that and was afraid that it would increase the chances of me being out of it but I did it. And I just cannot forgive myself. Then ever since thinking about that and the guilt, I now keep getting what ifs. What if the triggers from my guilt make me snap, what if the doctors thing and all these triggers make me irredeemable and the only one to snap, what if watching the video yesterday of the ocd coach saying just let everything bad happen makes me snap, what if my period hormones make me snap and etc. Before I was able to say well if anything happens its not me its ocd but now after I put peoples lives at risk I feel like I can’t and don’t deserve to say that and that the what ifs could come true because I did an unredeemable act of drinking wine and half a weed gummy when it wasnt even my birthday. I feel unworthy of life and I feel like I am ruined and that I could believe all my what ifs or that I did it before and I could do it for real or maybe already have done it. My mind is so tangled there seems like no point of return. I am dying 😞 I don’t know what to do

I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?

Please be gentle. (Diagnosed OCD and highly suspected BPD) I lost my grandmother, someone I was very close to a month ago. My dad was diagnosed with cancer, his health is declining rapidly. My grandfather speaks of committing because of the loss of his wife. My job has become completely mentally and physically exhausting. And a close friend blocked me for unknown reasons And I’ve been coping in unhealthy ways. I stupidly weened myself off of my meds after 3 consecutive years of taking meds. I wanted to ‘feel’ again. I am an individual with very strong morals. I’d never usually do things I don’t agree with. For example sending explicit images. Something I’ve never done and said I’d never do. However i recently did it. I’m completely disgusted in myself. I never did it for pleasure, I did it because I liked the positive comments in return. I didn’t show my face in the images, but my tattoos were there, and we exchanged selfies previously. I used a fake name. I panicked and deleted everything after a few days. Blocked him. But I’m terrified he’ll spread them, or they’ll somehow lead back to me. (We are both adults btw) I’m completely disgusted, paranoid and ashamed at what I’ve done. There’s no excuse why, but I can’t forget it, I’m terrified they’ll come back to me somehow. It’s something I’ll never. Ever. Do again. I have no idea how to cope with all of this.

I really need help. I am severely dissociated to where I can’t feel joy for anything at all. I’m stuck crying all the time. I have a history of emotional abuse from my father growing up so it’s made it really hard to trust people. He verbally abused me and never made me feel good enough. Then he died when I was 21 and I dont remember him telling me he loved me even then. Or a time when he meant it unless I accimplished something. It always felt empty. I tend to sabotage relationships and don’t mean to and find flaws in everything. I even get jealous of children and never wanted any in fears that I wouldn’t be as loved as much as them. And fear I would bring on the traits to them that my father did to me. I realize everything I do is an OCD compulsion and also I have such deep rooted fears. Fear of the future, but also the past. I loop about my husbands appearance even though I love him dearly and I dont want to think that way and it makes me sick. I think about the past and how he brought up things in confidence after we got married because he trusts me and he felt ashamed, but it still spiraled me out due to my own insecurities and my brain is like “what if you never accept his past and can’t move on from it”. Finding out new info spirals me out even if it’s something I know he legitimately cannot change or control and it was not anything that someone should not have been able to move on from. Even though I have a past myself???? That is 20x worse than his. My brain adds extra meaning. I constantly fear that I’m being cheated on or will be left, or how things can go wrong at any point. I’m afraid of having kids because of what I just mentioned as well as the fear of medical intervention and something going wrong. I’m afraid of people dying. I’m afraid of people hating me and I’m a huge people pleaser. I feel like everything in life I’ve never done for myself, and I have a huge fear of being by myself. I have constant compulsions and have since I was a child. But right now I’m at a breaking point and I’m like what do I want to even live life for if I’m so jealous and afraid of everything. And I never do things for self enjoyment. I have like no self identity at all and I always feel like I have to tell people about my achievements or how I feel in hopes that the little girl inside me will be heard. Am I too far gone with having these thoughts and also complex PTSD with the OCD? I feel like I’m stuck in a perpetual hell. I haven’t had a breakdown this bad since I was 11 years old. I spent 4 months crying and crying not knowing what was happening to me. Then I snapped out of it somehow. But I’m an adult now and it feels like my life is crumbling around me. I’ve been so scared to work because of fear of criticism due to the emotional abuse which I’m just now putting together… and also because of not trusting myself. I always ask for outside opinions. And I fear things going wrong all the time. I quit my last job due to POCD because I was working with children. And now that I’ve reached a point where I feel like there’s just ambiguous questions with no answers I felt a switch flip in my brain. For the worst. All my emotions shut off and it’s just been hell on earth with constant thoughts and dread and self loathing. I’m so tired of feeling afraid and alone. And I know a lot of it is a bunch of inner pain. I’m not even really looking for sympathy I just feel like I’m beyond help because of all I’ve been through. I can’t feel hope right now and it’s really scary. I have had pretty much every OCD theme there is and have lived my whole life in constant fear and anxiety. ROCD (main theme right now), POCD, HOCD, SOOCD, Health OCD (big one right now), existential OCD, religious OCD, fear that my husband and I won’t be together after we pass. Or that I’ll be replaced by another person if I were to die. Or if he dies before me. Plus I feel sad when friends say certain things or anything triggers abandonment. I am so caught up and I know it takes a mindset shift for this to all get better, but how with so much working against me? I’m so terrified. And I’m self hating so bad.