I am so close to the edge right now and I don’t know what to do. I truly feel like giving up. It all started when a doctor I saw at amen clinics told me that if I drink it increases chances of acting on my violent intrusive thoughts. It freaked me out because I drank before I had severe ocd but I did have ocd my whole life and I was so scared that my mind was gonna be sure that I killed someone and then actually kill someone because of that. Then it took him 2 days to clarify and send a response where he totally changed his words and said he doesn’t believe I would pose a risk more than anyone else. But that was after I already started getting the what if I believed I did so I do thoughts. A couple of days later it was my birthday and I was feeling so depressed ever since the doctor incident feeling irredeemable and so alone because I was sure noone else was told such a thing by a reputable doctor especially after he brain scanned me. I felt I was alone and I would be the only case that actually acts on my thoughts. Anyway it was my birthday and I said fuck this shit, I’m not gonna be miserable on my birthday and never drink again because of this doctor I am gonna choose myself for once. And so I drank. For some reason I didn’t feel as guilty for that time but a couple of days after I was still feeling very bad and I decided I wanted to enjoy my lunch with my boyfriend and I ended up drinking 2 glasses of wine even though it wasn’t even my birthday. I guess I figured since I had done it before it wouldn’t make much of a difference. But my bf suggested I do weed gummy instead from now on so I got some and when I got home I was telling him I shouldn’t do that today because I already drank. And he said it wouldn’t make a difference and I didn’t wanna disappoint him for some reason and I thought I would just stay up till I felt right if anything. So I ate half of a weed gummy. I didn’t feel much except a bit tired and hungry. And I slept and was fine the next day. But the following day I was reminded of the doctor’s response that he wrote on top of the clarification email where he said “I dont see how me telling you to avoid too much alcahol is controversial in any way. What I said has no effect on the events that occured till now.” Another confusing ass email. Getting my mind to think oh so me drinking recently could have made me do things? So I called to clarify and then he said that is not what he meant. But anyway after that I started to feel very guilty about the other day drinking two glasses of wine and doing half of a weed gummy. I feel like I didn’t know what effects the gummy would have but I took the chance and risked peoples lives. Over my selfishness and inability to say no. Even if it doesnt mean that I hurt people after, I didn’t know that and was afraid that it would increase the chances of me being out of it but I did it. And I just cannot forgive myself. Then ever since thinking about that and the guilt, I now keep getting what ifs. What if the triggers from my guilt make me snap, what if the doctors thing and all these triggers make me irredeemable and the only one to snap, what if watching the video yesterday of the ocd coach saying just let everything bad happen makes me snap, what if my period hormones make me snap and etc. Before I was able to say well if anything happens its not me its ocd but now after I put peoples lives at risk I feel like I can’t and don’t deserve to say that and that the what ifs could come true because I did an unredeemable act of drinking wine and half a weed gummy when it wasnt even my birthday. I feel unworthy of life and I feel like I am ruined and that I could believe all my what ifs or that I did it before and I could do it for real or maybe already have done it. My mind is so tangled there seems like no point of return. I am dying 😞 I don’t know what to do