I’m panicking so much right now Trigger warning, please don’t read if you get easily triggered. I don’t want to cause any discomfort. I’m just panicking so much- I don’t feel the romantic pull anymore towards my partner and I’m stressed that it was all OCD and my worst fears are true. I don’t know what to do. I feel nothing.

I’m in such a dark place right now. No matter what I do with my boyfriend — kissing, hugging, cuddling, talking — I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. And every time, my brain says: “That’s it. It’s the truth. You don’t love him anymore.” I keep thinking I’m forcing myself to act like I still like him just because I can’t accept the truth — that maybe I fell out of love and don’t want to admit it. When he calls me beautiful, when he’s kind to me, when he holds me… I feel numb. And that numbness makes me feel like a stranger in my own life. Like I’m faking everything. Like I’m lying to him and to myself. It feels too real. I used to have moments — even during intrusive thoughts — where I would relax in his arms and feel safe and reminded that this is ROCD. But now… even those moments feel gone. Like the thoughts aren’t lies anymore — they feel like the truth. And I don’t know what to do with that. My therapist made things worse. She told me things that made me believe I’ve mentally “decided” I have to be with him, and that I’m wrong for thinking it’s bad to walk away. Now I feel like I’ve built my entire relationship on an idea that I should stay, not that I want to. I feel like I’ve changed. I remember moments of deep love, warmth, and closeness… but now I can’t feel them anymore. And all I hear in my head is “you’re different now. It’s over.” I’m exhausted. I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I’m not even crying anymore — I’m just… empty. What if this is the truth I’ve been avoiding all along? What if I just can’t accept that I stopped loving him? What if this relationship is no longer right, and I’m just pretending? This is the worst it’s ever been. I’ve never felt this far gone before.

I’m really anxious because I know my ocd is really bad right now so I shouldn’t try to figure it out cause my thinking is a mess but I’ve been having feelings of like I’m not sure if I love him anymore or worrying that I haven’t felt a lot like numb (a lot because ocd has been getting worse and worse) and thinking of like how I’ve been focusing on the negatives and only been looking at him through that lens and analyzing and also feeling like I don’t want this anymore. Basically just like negative thinking in feeling like I’m really scared it’s that it’s I don’t love him cause I don’t want it to be over and the thought of having someone replace him makes me ill. But like it feels like I’m not seeing him how I used to and it makes me upset. Today I was near someone I was like oh this person is cute and then I was thinking that the possibility of meeting someone new sounds exciting and now I’m freaking out because this in combination with feeling like maybe I don’t love him anymore is bad. Also my thoughts keep changing. and like sometimes it feels like I don’t care at all and this has happened but like worst it’s ever been and then other times I’m like I do care I do still feel. I’m just really anxious has anyone else felt this before and it was still ocd? 😭😭

Right now I feel like I’ve realized something awful. Like maybe… I never truly loved my boyfriend. Maybe in the beginning I was just excited to be in a relationship. Maybe I confused that excitement with real love. And when the intrusive thoughts started, maybe it wasn’t ROCD — maybe it was the truth hitting me. I write this and it feels real. That’s the scariest part. It feels calm and clear and like maybe I’ve just been lying to myself all along, holding on because I “should,” not because I truly want to. I can’t remember how it felt to love him — and that makes it worse. I feel so disconnected, so numb, like nothing makes sense anymore. Every time I try to feel something for him, it feels like I’m faking it. Like I’m playing a role, not being myself. But the thing is… I’m not at peace. If this was really the truth, why does it hurt so much? Why does this “realization” come with panic, guilt, emptiness, and so much fear? I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this — doubting myself, my feelings, and my past. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle I can’t break, and I’m scared I’ll always feel this way. Has anyone ever felt like this before?