the guilt and shame from my thoughts just won’t go away. i wanna go shopping? “no you’re a sick person!” i graduated? “you don’t deserve to be happy.” i wanna eat? “no you don’t deserve it” im so so so tired dude.

some days I wake up with so much dread and guilt. It makes it so hard to keep going. I open my eyes and I’m hit with a wave of nausea and terror. I feel ashamed of my compulsions and my OCD. I feel like a monster for my checking compulsions. For momentarily sexualizing things that shouldn’t be sexualized out of anxiety. I’m ashamed of a lot that I give into because of anxiety. Confessing things that are meaningless to my boyfriend. I feel so awful and unworthy of existing and of love. I feel hopeless I don’t want to keep pushing, the more I push the more meta my OCD becomes and the more guilt I feel for this mental illness. The more confusing it becomes to do ERP. If compulsions are a choice, they feel like life or death and it’s driving me insane, I beat myself up so badly over them I’m scared of compulsions, I’m scared of thoughts, I’m scared to be awake, I’m even scared of sleeping because my intrusions and compulsions haunt me there too. I spend my dreams trying to explain or justify my OCD and compulsions to people. I’m exhausted, I want this to stop so badly. My severe OCD isn’t feeling any less severe and it’s been months. I don’t want to keep questioning my every move but I’m so hyperaware of everything I do. I’m so tired. Some days I don’t even have tears to cry with. I’m just so full of despair and shame

I feel really ashamed, I used someones art as a background and didnt credit them, so I got criticized for it. I dont understand this shame cause it's not like Im going to do this anyway, it's just here. My ocd isnt helping at all cause now I have these thoughts of "what if Im doing something wrong" "what if Im a bad person" AS IF I CARED. Literally I get so ashamed over things that normally I wouldnt care about and then get stuck on a loop of constant rumination and overanalyzing. Im just so tired

I had a few gift cards for Joann fabrics saved up from when I was in highschool, it was at least 150$ worth of Joanns gift cards. But I always feel a lot of guilt and anxiety surrounding spending money and I never used them, I always felt like I hadn’t earned it. About a month ago or so, I talked with my therapist about spending them online as an exposure. I added a bunch of things to my cart and then at the last minute, I closed out of the page and didn’t go through with it. I felt so anxious about choosing the wrong things, and so guilty about how wasteful and frivolous it is to buy new things for fun. I always feel guilty buying new things because the system is so unethical, and also because I feel like I haven’t earned them. I think about all the things I still need to do and how irresponsible I have been, and how spoiled I must be that I think I deserve all these shiny new things because I want them while other people are homeless or struggling just to eat. I always think about how I should spend my money donating to better causes because there are people who need it more than me, but I also never feel like I can donate anywhere because I get worried about how much to donate and wether I’m a bad person for not giving enough. Well anyway, Joann fabrics is going out of business now. So I finally went in person to spend them, but it turns out they no longer accept gift cards due to the store going bankrupt. I know it sounds silly, and it’s just a silly craft store and ultimately in the grand scheme of life it is not a big deal, but I feel so disappointed that I wasn’t able to follow through with the goal I had set before. I always thought I would save them for a special time when I had earned them, but that time never came, there is not some magical occasion where I feel like I have finally earned my own permission. It’s just a cycle of refusing to reward myself because I always feel like I haven’t earned it. I’m not sure exactly where I’m going with this, I haven’t posted on here before because I always talk myself out of it but the whole thing just got me thinking. I don’t wanna spend my life waiting until I have done enough good deeds and cleared my moral slate enough that I have earned the right to live my life, that time never comes. It just really hit me today