i saw this post on @obsessively_anxious insta and it really stood out to me. it stated “you didn’t act on your other thoughts, but this time it’s different…” this is how i feel right now with the thoughts of my sisters boyfriend. is anyone else experiencing this? she means ocd will try everything in its power to make you feel like your case is different everytime.

i struggle so bad mentally. i feel so drained. my mind just won’t stop. it’s on constant replay. and the thought of “one day when you’re not fully aware you’re going to act on it watch” kills me. it makes me never want to be around anyone in my family. or when i try accepting the thoughts and just let them pass my mind hits me with “whatever you’re gonna do it regardless of your values or thoughts”. & it makes me question if i’m lying about everything i say or feel. i feel the need to lock myself away and never come out again bc i fear that one day i’ll lose control of my actions.. & yes ocd has been kicking my asssss so bad. im starting to believe all the lies it feeds me even though i don’t want too. i want me back. i want the girl who always dreamed of making it big in life back. & yes i agree, i regret confessing most of my thoughts. but now my mind has convinced me if i speak on my thoughts again that they’re gonna come true and that i’m going to act on them😞

i had it for 3 years already id say, but it was never this bad. back then i was only having little anxiety attacks when being around kids and the thoughts were minor and weren’t as terrifying as they are now but i think my ocd spike might’ve been triggered by my dads passing from what i’ve heard due to all the stress me and my family were experiencing..it started getting bad sometimes in November, i started having panic attacks because i kept trying to figure out why i felt so anxious around kids when i was literally the always babysitter of the family. i always loved kids as if they were my own. i dreamed of being a mom to like 8 kids at one point. but me trying to go back into my memory and try to figure out where i went wrong caused me to have false memory ocd and that absolutely ruined me i was crying every single day, every hour, i couldn’t eat anymore, i couldn’t sleep, i was constantly thinking, constantly shaking the anxiety was uncontrollable bc i was convinced i had done something in my past. that went on for at least a whole month. then i had a little 2 week break and i was doing somewhat okay i had came to my senses that nothing happened back then it’s just my mind trying to play with me. but little did i know ocd was gonna creep back on me & cause me more pain and distress. by this point my thoughts started with the “what ifs” or “this is what you are” and i couldn’t even imagine what was going on with me. i truly believed i was becoming the monster i feared the most.. i cried and cried to my mom and sisters bc i couldn’t accept who ocd was painting me out to be but till this day im struggling so bad with my thoughts. they’re becoming so intense.

@Anonymous_234 Oh wow. Yeah if I'm being honest, I guess mine didn't start as Pocd. If I look further back, I had patterns I went through also over the last 3 years that largely started with religious OCD. But I was always nervous to be around children bathing or getting diapers changed, etc. For awhile it was just because it made me uncomfortable and I was afraid my face would turn red and then get made fun of. I always wanted a big family too. And when I was with my last boyfriend I went through periods where I literally begged to have a baby lol seems so freakin strange now. That's alot of the reason why I felt twice as guilty when I left and started having pocd thoughts. I was like "what if I WOULD have gotten pregnant and ended up here" or "what if things worked out and I hadn't ran away and we married and he found out I was having these terrible thoughts about kids and feared I would hurt my baby nephew." Then I did something terrible. I made confessions to my parents. I said maybe the way him and his friends used to talk had something to do with the images in my head. I had always defended him even through breakups before because for the longest time my parents didn't like him but he was my everything. You know how dudes get together and joke about the most disgusting disturbing things. Saying things like "if you dont shut up I'll rape you" or constantly *very explicitly* joking about having sex or being guy with each other just for reactions. They would sometimes make dark jokes about kids getting raped. But when it came down to it, they would probably kill anyone they heard hurt someone. So there I was admitting this stuff to my dad and it still eats me up with guilt some. Then Id get terrified I'd see him in public and crap myself or have a panic attack. He forgave me even though I couldn't explain everything. But anyway, those pics thoughts turned to me being scared I would sexually harm literally anyone. I didn't feel it would be for enjoyment but just... because I felt like something would force me to do it eventually, and bc I couldn't think straight without months of sleep. I felt disgusting. I felt like I had no empathy and I had been such an empathic person before. Then I got images of stabbing my parents and that really got me. I wanted to be locked up. Drugged and locked away forever until I died or someone killed me. I had ruined my relationship with my ex, felt I couldn't care about anyone, I couldn't sleep, my health had failed, worried I would harm my sweet nephew that I could now barely look at, ruined my chance of ever being a mom, now had thoughts of stabbing my parents, and the devil told me that God didn't listen to me anymore either. I was pretty freakin lost. I kept saying "I wanna go back, I wanna go back" I wanted to go back to SOME moment before the insanity, but I couldn't. I don't know how, but I'm sleeping now. I don't know how, but my mind is healing now. I don't know how, but I'm starting to care again. I can't get my ex back, I can't take back things I said to people, or things I googled, or horrible things I read that made my thoughts worse. But I can start new. I may never have a husband, or no kids but I have faith I will be okay. I'm starting a new me and ik you will do the same. I'm certain. I'm starting college in a few days and will be going for astronomy. There's always a silver lining and you're just 17, I believe in you💖

@CM22 im so so sorry you’re going through this. it’s so damn hard to fight this battle every single day. today has been by far the worst day for me, all my emotions, thoughts,feelings, anxiety everything is hitting me so hard. i’ve had some urges and it just hurts me to feel this way. i just wanna be set free. i wanna live a normal life. i dont wanna constantly feel the need to hurt myself to avoid acting on my thoughts. “you’ll kill yourself before you ever act on your thoughts” im just so sad. my thoughts are leading me to believe this is who i am..