I’m bout to go to bed I’m alone alot my bf works all the time and can function like a normal person so he has a better quality of life than me so his life continues like a normal persons and I sit at home struggling to do the simplest of tasks it’s been rough the past few years for me ocd wise I had a similar trigger that made me feel like everything in my home was contaminated and slowly everything had to be separated and cleaned and stored seperatly my home wasn’t a home anymore it mite as well of been a public bathroom to me I had to stop doing alot of stuff cause even when I’m better I still have ocd and things are still stressful to do so when this trigger happened it was makeing things worse I already had a difficult time when my ocd isn’t as bad like doing rituals that I’ve just always done but everything got worse and I lost my ssi and got evicted and for the next few years I just got worse wit my ocd I couldn’t get up to get my ssi back I couldn’t get up to get my foodstamps my bf had to work for us to live and it made things harder but I was so miserable in bed all the time barely makeing my doctors appointments for my medications which weren’t working I brought my mom into an appointment cause I thought maybe she could help tlk to the doctor I then admitted myself into the hospital which was extremely hard cause they have rules like only allowing certain amounts of clothes and only allowed certain hygiene products they had to go threw all of my clothes which I kept my clothes in a tote to keep them clean I washed my hands prior to touching the tote to get clothes out they also had to cut the strings off any of my clothes which was hard to I also change my clothes a certain way and wear my bras and undershirts in order so I couldn’t just bring the amount of clothes I needed to have enough for the stay and to wear my stuff in order and have more clothes I do these dressing rituals and apart of the rituals is to put on deodorant then use qtips then clean my face wit face pads they don’t allow qtips and face pads so rite there was devastating I couldn’t complete the rituals I needed my clothes felt contaminated I didn’t have all my clothes to which brought me great discomfort I was traumatized goin three admissions and my mom and the worker didn’t understand the reason I was so upset crying I felt such pain and I no getting better requires you to be uncomfortable but this holistically didn’t have any therapy for ocd I would just be going there to be safe and get on some meds I was there for 3 days they discharged me I suffered alone no doctor therapists classes nothing they told me they didn’t have the resources to help me and gave me a referral to a place in Chicago for ocd I got out in hopes of going to this ocd facility but they denied me cause they didn’t accept my insurance all of this trauma for nothing I was already haveing a hard time now I had to fix all of my clothes and stuff back and try to deal wit those few days in the hospital it was so hard to just change my clothes everyday my life was so rough my mom finally helped me get my ssi and foodstamps which gave me alot of confidence made me feel like a person again I had freedom this past year has been going really well for me and my life I worked outside all the time I did alot of stuff I was happier I was letting go of the contamination ocd a little bit more it was finally my time to enjoy life a little bit I still have significant problems but things weren’t as strict all these years my bf had us homeless and not being a very nice person he was extremely selfish and not understanding being homeless was so hard on me cause my dressing ritual was a process I’d change my clothes a few times a day for years cause there’s be so many days I wasn’t able to do it so the past few years I spent doing this dressing ritual cause my ocd makes me dress once a day which would be easy if we had a set home this past year was better and still is my bf doing better but this new apartment was sprayed wit bug spray and it has literally killed me we were here for only a few days which I spent just being in the moment of our first nice cheap apartment everything seemed to be working my favor this past year and my ocd seemed to be not as bothersome mainly cause I’m used to liveing like this but the bug spray sent me over the edge and I see my bf not being affected by it just like all these years not working being homeless I spent hours changeing my clothes everyday worried bout changeing my clothes not being able to shower myself cause public showers are hard for me getting my clothes out for the dressing ritual is hard rinseing all my hygiene products everyday packing and unpacking them was so hard on my mind I struggled I suffered alone while my bf being normal just lived so this was suppose to be my time for peace even now it’s been a couple months since this happened my bf is in bed peacefully and I’m on the toilet crying.