I’m bout to go to bed I’m alone alot my bf works all the time and can function like a normal person so he has a better quality of life than me so his life continues like a normal persons and I sit at home struggling to do the simplest of tasks it’s been rough the past few years for me ocd wise I had a similar trigger that made me feel like everything in my home was contaminated and slowly everything had to be separated and cleaned and stored seperatly my home wasn’t a home anymore it mite as well of been a public bathroom to me I had to stop doing alot of stuff cause even when I’m better I still have ocd and things are still stressful to do so when this trigger happened it was makeing things worse I already had a difficult time when my ocd isn’t as bad like doing rituals that I’ve just always done but everything got worse and I lost my ssi and got evicted and for the next few years I just got worse wit my ocd I couldn’t get up to get my ssi back I couldn’t get up to get my foodstamps my bf had to work for us to live and it made things harder but I was so miserable in bed all the time barely makeing my doctors appointments for my medications which weren’t working I brought my mom into an appointment cause I thought maybe she could help tlk to the doctor I then admitted myself into the hospital which was extremely hard cause they have rules like only allowing certain amounts of clothes and only allowed certain hygiene products they had to go threw all of my clothes which I kept my clothes in a tote to keep them clean I washed my hands prior to touching the tote to get clothes out they also had to cut the strings off any of my clothes which was hard to I also change my clothes a certain way and wear my bras and undershirts in order so I couldn’t just bring the amount of clothes I needed to have enough for the stay and to wear my stuff in order and have more clothes I do these dressing rituals and apart of the rituals is to put on deodorant then use qtips then clean my face wit face pads they don’t allow qtips and face pads so rite there was devastating I couldn’t complete the rituals I needed my clothes felt contaminated I didn’t have all my clothes to which brought me great discomfort I was traumatized goin three admissions and my mom and the worker didn’t understand the reason I was so upset crying I felt such pain and I no getting better requires you to be uncomfortable but this holistically didn’t have any therapy for ocd I would just be going there to be safe and get on some meds I was there for 3 days they discharged me I suffered alone no doctor therapists classes nothing they told me they didn’t have the resources to help me and gave me a referral to a place in Chicago for ocd I got out in hopes of going to this ocd facility but they denied me cause they didn’t accept my insurance all of this trauma for nothing I was already haveing a hard time now I had to fix all of my clothes and stuff back and try to deal wit those few days in the hospital it was so hard to just change my clothes everyday my life was so rough my mom finally helped me get my ssi and foodstamps which gave me alot of confidence made me feel like a person again I had freedom this past year has been going really well for me and my life I worked outside all the time I did alot of stuff I was happier I was letting go of the contamination ocd a little bit more it was finally my time to enjoy life a little bit I still have significant problems but things weren’t as strict all these years my bf had us homeless and not being a very nice person he was extremely selfish and not understanding being homeless was so hard on me cause my dressing ritual was a process I’d change my clothes a few times a day for years cause there’s be so many days I wasn’t able to do it so the past few years I spent doing this dressing ritual cause my ocd makes me dress once a day which would be easy if we had a set home this past year was better and still is my bf doing better but this new apartment was sprayed wit bug spray and it has literally killed me we were here for only a few days which I spent just being in the moment of our first nice cheap apartment everything seemed to be working my favor this past year and my ocd seemed to be not as bothersome mainly cause I’m used to liveing like this but the bug spray sent me over the edge and I see my bf not being affected by it just like all these years not working being homeless I spent hours changeing my clothes everyday worried bout changeing my clothes not being able to shower myself cause public showers are hard for me getting my clothes out for the dressing ritual is hard rinseing all my hygiene products everyday packing and unpacking them was so hard on my mind I struggled I suffered alone while my bf being normal just lived so this was suppose to be my time for peace even now it’s been a couple months since this happened my bf is in bed peacefully and I’m on the toilet crying.

I’ve come to a point in my life where I can be very happy. I have a safe environment, a loving community. Yknow I’ve really healed through or moved on from a traumatic past and as I say to my boyfriend from time to time like a broken record: I feel like nowadays the only thing bringing me stress or at times misery is myself. I am a fairly joyful person, when I’m comfortable I’m very goofy and like to sing dance and have fun. I find that I relate to so many amazing people I meet that are the nicest, most fun, elevating individuals, who also struggle with the hardest sometime debilitating things. It truly sucks because when I find those moments of peace I see the power of what an ocd mind could be as a person. We are people who may over analyze, but I myself also always find the good in people. And aye if in a moment I don’t think anything is doomly wrong and if I don’t try to understand it I may parish 😅 then that moment feels like the best one in the world. But on the other side of that when I’m not in a quiet mind moment and I’m left with myself to take control of what life in front of me looks like in or around me. I almost have been crumbling. Like I said at the beginning of this story here, the life around me is not so situationally stressful. And it’s also fairly simple. My boyfriend and I live together in a small cozy trailer with our two cats, he works full time very hard and I work part time where I spend as much time as I can working and then have a few days around the house. We’re saving for a home and are quite content with our lifestyle at the moment with work and being “lazy”, or resting and going out for fun now an then on our time off together. Most times though I do have day or two off during the week by myself, which usually goes one of only two ways. Like I said before I do like to work hard, especially now that I have a part time job that’s fairly easier than others I’ve had in the past. So I work 6-7 hours then drive home, air up my tires and wash my car sometimes because I like doing something after work while I still have energy.Or I go to the store. Come home make food, prolly nap and not really worry about too much because I’ve worked all day. But on my days off. I find myself waking up with a lot of anxiety. I usually fight it off by going back to sleep. But my OCD is heavily circled around shame. Even though I only sleep in till 10-11, 12-1 at the latest. I find myself thinking about how wrong (in nice terms) it is to do that. And the funny thing is the older I get (I’m a 21F). I’m not as pressured by this thought, even though it’s still stressful it literally just feels like a thought I can’t escape from. To put things in simple terms. I truly psycho analyze my actions breath by breath and my intrusive thoughts are critiquing those actions bit by bit. I’ve recently have started medication and it was a tremendous difference in the beginning and it helped me cope with the acceptance and letting go (f it or just care less) of those thoughts. But let’s say I forget to take it, or I wake up one morning by myself all day and I’m super tired or unmotivated. That day will feel truly debilitated. And now I’m definitely to the point where I’m battling that, but also have a thin vale behind that where I now know what is going on. And the thoughts are shameful for “not trying to get better or be better” Because I do Like I write a lot, and it truly is one of the best coping mechanisms for working through intrusive or obsessive compulsions. I could also write all day, and if I don’t listen to that ease of the anxiety from writing. And try to keep going the writing will turn into a compulsion itself I feel like I should not stop or critique it as well. But luckily I’ll hopefully find my place in explaining the cycle of what I do when my brain is very loud about things. The next time it’s too loud:)

(long read ahead, sorry lol) I’ve struggled with ocd for as far back as I can remember. I find that it gets worse with stress, and recently I’ve really been struggling with the contamination aspect of my ocd. I’m worried about it becoming unmanageable and negatively affecting my relationship with my partner. I’ve been living with my boyfriend since January (got kicked out of my house a week after I turned 18, it’s for the better though my house is toxic as hell) and I love living with him, but him and his family aren’t as concerned with cleaning as I am used to. My boyfriend and I have been together going on 2 years and there’s been many times throughout our relationship that his struggle with depression severely impacted his ability to keep up with cleaning his room. This is something I completely understand because I’ve struggled with it too so i’ve often helped him clean, and since i’ve moved in he’s done so much better at keeping up with cleaning (especially because he knows about my issues with clutter, mess, germs, etc.) He is really good at being accommodating towards my needs (not overly so, i’m aware that recovering includes accepting being uncomfortable), but it’s so hard for me to differentiate between what is the normal standard for cleanliness and hygiene and what’s excessive and unhealthy. I get so stressed out every single day over the thought of how dirty everything is. He has 3 cats that mainly stay in his room (he has a catio attached to his window/side of the house) and dogs which stay on the opposite side of the house and backyard, so there is fur everywhere constantly (i’m also allergic to cats but it’s not severe). I can’t stop thinking about how they are getting germs from their litter box all over everything. They also used to piss under his bed and in his closet when his room used to be a mess and it’s soaked into the floor so no matter what it stinks. It’s so hard to bring myself to walk around the house without slippers because my feet will get visibly dirty and my socks would get covered in hair. I always think about how my boyfriend sometimes walks on the rugs in the bathroom in shoes and all the germs that spreads. There’s so many more things but this is already getting long and I am shaking just thinking about how unclean everything is. I want to deep clean the entire house myself so I can get it to where It’s not like psychological torture everyday and it’s easier to maintain but I have been so busy I don’t have the time. I am worried about my boyfriend thinking I don’t like living with him or that I think that’s he’s dirty but i don’t. We have had several conversations about this and he’s reassured me that he knows none of my obsessive thoughts are personal but I still feel so bad about it. I would like to get therapy to help work through this but currently that is not an option for me. I know things will get better once I get through the main things in my life that are causing a lot of stress and therefore making my ocd flair up, but I need advice on what to do in the mean time. I keep having moments where all I can do is shake and cry and clean and I feel bad for my poor boyfriend who can only sit next to me and try to comfort me or help me clean. I also don’t want to make him worried that nothing he does is enough for me (i’ve also already talked to him about this and told him about how I can never even be clean enough for myself and that I don’t think he’s dirty). There’s been many times where I want to tell him to do things that I think might be my own unhealthy compulsions (ex. not wearing shoes in the house or in our room, not getting into bed with socks on, making sure to completely dry off before getting out the shower, put makeup and jewelry back where they belong right after using them, etc.) but i can’t tell if they’re reasonable or not and i try to not tell him unless it’s something that severely distresses me. I’m aware that everything is going to have germs no matter what and have been using NER’s to help manage my thought spirals/rumination. I know that I shouldn’t keep doing compulsions because it just offers temporary relief and makes the problem worse because nothing will ever be enough. I just feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless and exhausted and want some feedback.

My ocd has been at an extreme all time high the past 2 weeks and I am in dire need of some relief. I’m not sleeping right anymore. for context: I live in the south and found a springtail on my sheets about 2 weeks ago. This was like 2 days before our bug guy came and sprayed (it’s a normal maintenance thing here) so it’s a common bug down here and I’ve found them all over different areas of the house before. Finding it in my bed sent me on a bit of a spiral bc I started to doubt if it even was a springtail and that i was wrong and that it was a bed bug, not trusting my brain. It was a bad, sleepless night and carried over continuing feelings. Typical ocd stuff. Well two days later, I’m a nurse and I had a patient that actually had bed bugs. This wasn’t the first day they were here and I did not see any myself but it still freaked me out. There had one 2 founds after visitors came the day before. Of course I wore PPE in the room (coveralls shoe covers and hair net) going in and took everything off before exiting the room. When I came home I stripped in my garage and bagged everything down to my shoes. Threw everything in the wash and did multiple cycles. There were no other steps I could take but I still had a terrible night. Hours of ruminating and going back and forth about tracing my tracks, thinking of new ways I could’ve taken one home with me. Just checking everything. I was already on a spiral from the springtail. Having two such back to back triggering events for me so closely related has made me deteriorate significantly. I was already doing bad with my normal OCD and starting therapy here. I obsess over the thought of having bedbugs constantly and haven’t been able to sleep. I am constantly checking my bed while in it and can’t settle down. My bed is heavy too and I keep hurting myself lifting my mattress to check. But I need to check. I’ve become obsessed. I check everything and go down Reddit rabbit holes looking for new things. And of course, I talk myself into it every time. I can’t take it anymore, it’s bleeding off into other parts of my life like friendship and marriage because I am so high anxiety right now. I need relief so bad. I’ve never felt this unstable to be honest. I feel like even someone without ocd would be really struggling with this topic, nevermind me, with ocd to a point where I just started treatment. These aren’t even my normal intrusive thoughts and compulsive acts. It’s just taken on a life in the last week and I can’t find any sign that it’s going to slow down. when I think rationally I know I did everything right to prevent but I can’t shake it. 💔