this is how everything’s been going for me. my pocd started off as, only anxiety around kids and minor thoughts such as “oh no you just look at her wrong” and i would let it pass. it was like this for 3 years. i noticed my anxiety starting being more terribly stressful when my dad was admitted to the hospital & we were in n out of there for months straight constantly hearing “he’s dying then oh he’s good again” & it was a endless cycle i started questioning why i felt the way i felt and why i couldn’t get a correct answer. i hid this from everyone. i didn’t tell anyone about what i was experiencing bc of the fear of being judged. he lost his battle in august😞 i was experiencing alot of stress and anxiety already it was affecting my job. i couldn’t do nails anymore because my thoughts convinced me i was i touching my clients hands wrong. or when it came down to one of my little sisters friends booking an appointment to get their nails done with me i would panic and cancel their appointments bc of the fear that not only are they a minor but that my thoughts would make me think i touched their hands wrong. i started having severe false memories that led me to almost take my life. i was always crying, anxiety attacks, panicking, stay up at nights questioning where i went wrong, wondering what i did to deserve this or if i did something in the the past that i wasn’t aware of. that escalated quickly to “what ifs, urges, anxiety & etc” my thoughts were torturing me again and i ended up isolating myself away from my siblings bc my thoughts convinced me i couldn’t be alone with them or id lose control. i made my older sister stay with me at all times to be sure i wouldn’t act on my thoughts. thankfully she & my mom understood everything i was going through & didn’t judge me for anything. i was doing okay for a little, my siblings were able to be around me. i was able to take my siblings to school and pick them up on my own. i felt so accomplished. i almost screamed of excitement bc i thought i had my life back. until ocd creeped up back on me. and now i’m absolutely worried to even be near them or alone by myself anymore. my thoughts convince me this time i was going to act on them bc i had no more strength to fight. yesterday my mom asked me if i could babysit her friends kids & my siblings while she went to the store and i said “i can’t mom i can’t.” and she told me it’s okay you’re gonna be okay. so i was doing okay until i got an urge and a thought telling me to get up and hurt them. i panicked and locked myself in my room. i sat there and cried and cried on top of my lungs bc i thought i was really going to follow through with it. pocd has been eating me up inside. im so depressed & stressed out. but what worries me more is the thought of “possibly” acting on those thoughts..