this is how everything’s been going for me. my pocd started off as, only anxiety around kids and minor thoughts such as “oh no you just look at her wrong” and i would let it pass. it was like this for 3 years. i noticed my anxiety starting being more terribly stressful when my dad was admitted to the hospital & we were in n out of there for months straight constantly hearing “he’s dying then oh he’s good again” & it was a endless cycle i started questioning why i felt the way i felt and why i couldn’t get a correct answer. i hid this from everyone. i didn’t tell anyone about what i was experiencing bc of the fear of being judged. he lost his battle in august😞 i was experiencing alot of stress and anxiety already it was affecting my job. i couldn’t do nails anymore because my thoughts convinced me i was i touching my clients hands wrong. or when it came down to one of my little sisters friends booking an appointment to get their nails done with me i would panic and cancel their appointments bc of the fear that not only are they a minor but that my thoughts would make me think i touched their hands wrong. i started having severe false memories that led me to almost take my life. i was always crying, anxiety attacks, panicking, stay up at nights questioning where i went wrong, wondering what i did to deserve this or if i did something in the the past that i wasn’t aware of. that escalated quickly to “what ifs, urges, anxiety & etc” my thoughts were torturing me again and i ended up isolating myself away from my siblings bc my thoughts convinced me i couldn’t be alone with them or id lose control. i made my older sister stay with me at all times to be sure i wouldn’t act on my thoughts. thankfully she & my mom understood everything i was going through & didn’t judge me for anything. i was doing okay for a little, my siblings were able to be around me. i was able to take my siblings to school and pick them up on my own. i felt so accomplished. i almost screamed of excitement bc i thought i had my life back. until ocd creeped up back on me. and now i’m absolutely worried to even be near them or alone by myself anymore. my thoughts convince me this time i was going to act on them bc i had no more strength to fight. yesterday my mom asked me if i could babysit her friends kids & my siblings while she went to the store and i said “i can’t mom i can’t.” and she told me it’s okay you’re gonna be okay. so i was doing okay until i got an urge and a thought telling me to get up and hurt them. i panicked and locked myself in my room. i sat there and cried and cried on top of my lungs bc i thought i was really going to follow through with it. pocd has been eating me up inside. im so depressed & stressed out. but what worries me more is the thought of “possibly” acting on those thoughts..

i am convinced im a psycho killer. everytime im around my mom or sister i get these intense thoughts of stabbing or hurting them. when they’re not around its not as intense but its still there. its literally on my mind 24/7. im so tense 24/7. were currently looking for a puppy for the family and when me and my sister were playing with them today the thought was still there. nothing distracts me from it. video games and EVERYTHING else doesn’t work. im starting to feel like i WANT to do these things. i was never like this until i had a marijuana induced panic attack in january. i feel like something happened to my brain and its not just ocd anymore. i dont even know if im faking it. i have suffered from relationship ocd, pedophile ocd, and health ocd. i got over those relatively quickly. this new theme came out of nowhere after a panic attack on a plane coming home from a horror convention in february. i dont see a way out of this one. its been months. i try to let them sit and i get a panic attack. all i do everyday is cry. i feel like my life is over. i talk to a therapist and i have tried two medications that didnf work work. i dont know how to live like this. im afraid im gonna lose my relationship and im afraid im gonna lose my whole life ahead of me. im just 22. i just want the old me back.

My mind is telling me I'm the only one who is dealing with something like this. Idk why I did my biggest BIGGEST fear. I was put on a new medication when this happened which caused me to spiral, my thoughts to be more often, and have insomnia. I have been diagnosed with POCD as well. I woke up in the middle of the night when my child was laying completely cross my chest. I was breathing and having groinal sensations. My mind told me that I assaulted her by this, and I was going to prison for it. My thoughts started going like this, "you're already bad might as well do something else", "no sense in stopping now" "you can finally do what you've always wanted", "what would you do if you could do anything to cause harm" So I had to think of what to do in the moment. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards my child's groin. In the moment it felt like I really wanted to do this. I proceeded to do so, and my elbow touched her groin. I immediately told my child to move off me. I then went back to sleep. When I woke up, I began panicking, confessing to a family member what happened, and crying immensely. I feel like I failed as a mother. I'm in such distress since I started sleeping on the floor to avoid it from happening again, and I got off the medication. I'm so much better OCD wise since I got off the meds. I was the BEST mom months ago before this happened. The thoughts have always bothered me, and I was always scared I would give in and act on them. I'm living my worst nightmare. I feel alone. Felt so so wanted in the moment and SO real. Which I don't understand. Ugh. Could someone just give me some support?

*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔