I dont know if im dissociated or not anymore but something feels terribly off since I quit my job in october. That is also around the time when my actual depression started, i was derealized for over a month during my last month at work. I dont know how to explain what im feeling but I dont feel well at all, like something has gone wrong with my brain and mind. TW for hocders, I also dont feel like continuing ocd therapy anymore bc frankly Im pretty positive I realized Im actually gay and everytime I am in session it feels pointless and like im going against my true self. I feel like im going crazy and cant even explain it which is causing more and more depressive and hopeless emotions. What do I do

LydiaK

Date posted: 3y

You're currently in a state of intense dysphoria due to constant anxiety caused by constant ego dystonic thoughts. In more simple words, you've reached the "peak" of the pain intrusive thoughts can give you. Since ocd is basically a disorder that makes people self-destruct, it uses mechanisms that seem convincing to the point that it makes your fears appear completely true. It uses "proof" that is completely distorted and comes from unreliable resources.That "proof" it presents you with, has countless perspectives that are much more true than the single one the ocd has focused on. It basically gives you tunel vision, making you unable to see things from a different view. It will insist on what destroys your self esteem and serves its purpose. Sadly, the only solution to this, is not giving up. If you like women, then keep on liking them (or if possible date them) despite what the ocd says. Live your life as you want to, ignoring the mindless chattering of your meurotic brain. Be like "Sure ocd, I'm a gay person, whatever you say, now bye" and still do what you like. Accepting the thought doesn't mean you actually become the thought, no matter how real it "feels" and "seems". It's by no means easy, but is VERY possible. I've achieved it, even though ocd had almost lead me to depression. I'm still not completely healed, but I'm very close to recovery. This fight will make you feel hopeless because the recovery and release from pain starts out really small but eventually becomes bigger and much more noticable.

Imaan7

Date posted: 3y

I will respond to this properly tommorow. But thank you for the reply

Imaan7

Date posted: 3y

Ok hey, first thing I wanted to say is the proof ocd gave me througout the year of 2021 accompanied by massive anxiety attacks non stop daily seemed true, like it just explanined why I couldnt get a gf all these years and I was so awkward around them and that I actually never even felt true attraction or understood what attraction meant for women in the first place. At first I used to think this is by no means a normal discovery process or a healthy sexual identity developement but when the year ended it started making sense and i just couldnt deny those thoughts/proof/feelings. Now being straight feels impossible bc im gay, how can a gay person be straight? It actually feels like I was always supposed to be gay and just never noticed it and had I been born in a different culture id have found it out earlier in life. And around that time my depression began too which increased anxiety even more making me feel like im transgender or want be a woman. Do I like women? Idk, do i want to be with them? Idk I dont know anything except that im just gay and i dont know what to do, therapy seems pointless, i made another post a little bit ago and mentioned that in there if you could take a look at it. I dont know what to do, my brain is so fried, hurting and i literally cant think of anything else but this wont go away until I accept it and start acting on the gay thoughts and I think my mental health is getting worse just because im not acting or accepting on it.

LydiaK

Date posted: 3y

@Imaan7 There is one thing you can do: Stay with the uncertainty. It doesn't matter what you are, only what you'll want when the time comes. Labels are just labels. Be uncertain. Accepting uncertainty is the first step to get out of negative thinking.

Imaan7

Date posted: 3y

@LydiaK Lol how can I be uncertain when all I have is realizations and certainty thay I am gay now

LydiaK

Date posted: 3y

@Imaan7 by accepting this is actually not certainty. It may be true it may be not. Nothing is certain.

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