im doing okay i was able to control my anxiety because whenever i have intrusive thoughts i just honestly agree with them and say thank you maybe you are right brain and move on and sit with the thoughts im not going to argue with my thoughts anymore or go looking for reassurance or avoid going out im done letting ocd control my life i’ve been so miserable because of it and i’m done arguing

Yesterday I had a good day after I decided to not let any thought or feeling ruin my day. My intrusive thoughts and hyper awareness of consiousness/thinking was still there. But my day was more than okay. I even felt normal some moments of the day 🤓 Let’s do the same today. Lets live with the ocd instead of trying to escape it at all times.

So... I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to do any of the things I loved; OCD took the joy out of it. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again." Love you!!!

Fuck it I'm tired of the ruminations, I'm tired of the constant mental reviews and false memories, I'm tired of the feeling of existential crisis, I'm tired of feeling fear that depression is gonna get worse, I'm tired of the intrusive thoughts, the relentless depersonalization/derealization If one day I end my life so be it. if one day I go insane so be it, if one day my relationship ends with my gf so be it. I'm tired of having these what ifs, I'm tired of shutting my mind and creating prison after prison mentally. Fuck it if my life is meant to suck then so be it I'll take it to the chin. If one day I end up broke and end it all oh well that's just what my life was meant to be. But I'm not gonna suffer over somthing that might or might not happen. I'm tired of it. I keep emphasizing my weaknesses instead of my strength I am a strong person, I was the man that put my self thru nursing school while helping my mom financaily, I was the man that kept the household together and supported my mom when she had a TIA in march, I was the the one that gave my mom money to pay for lawyers, I was the one that my mom rellies on, I am the man of the house I am him. I am a loving boyfriend that supports his girlfriend, I am the nurse that won the award of the year for the best nurse at the department I work for at my hospital. I am the man that has touched so many lives with my profession, I am the man that held the hands of countless people in their times of need, their times of struggle, their times of death and the man that gave those people guidence and support to people in their toughest moments of despair, death, confusion, grief and so on. I am the man thag comforted family members when their loved one was gone. I am the man that's been told time and time again that I've saved peoples lives. Why do I belittle my self and I deminish my accomplishments so easily yet highlights my deficits and mistakes so hard. I've become the judge, jury and executioner of my head creating prison after prison. I'm tired of it, I am bigger than this disorder, I accept it and I will get better with it. I accept that I take drugs to correct my mind , I accept that I am seeking therapy to help my self, I accept that right now I am not In the best place in my mind. But I will get better