Hi everyone this is my first time seeking help for OCD or even talking about My OCD. I have intrusive thoughts about harm which has affected every aspect of myself as well as being a mother and wife that I wanna be. My thoughts are so real and so vivid in my mind that it stomachs me even though I have no evil bones in my body and I couldn’t even hurt a fly my mind tends to tell me that I’m not to be trusted that I can hurt someone and my OCD always goes after my kids which I hate the most because it makes me stay away from them doesn’t even let me hug them or bond with them I feel my OCD has taken a lot from me as far as being a mother. Even taking them to school is a challenge or staying along with them is even a harder challenge I’ve literally been dealing with this all by myself for years and years and I feel that at this point my kids might think I’m cold or uninterested in them and possibly don’t even love them which breaks my heart because all I wanna do is be close to them and love them but my thoughts don’t let me do that I’m so gentle with my kids and I try to be there with them in every aspect that I possibly can but as soon as I leave I’m panic with anxiety and worry and there’s a lot of What Ifs in my mind which makes me stay home and miss out on all the great things that my kids are accomplishing. The shame and guilt for having the thought that’s really kills me too I’m in this crazy cycle all I want is to be an involved mom I wanna be without having to worry or stay away or keep myself in a room. I recently told my husband all my thoughts and it was the hardest thing I had to do was be vulnerable and open I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction I was gonna get I literally thought that he was gonna pack up the kids and leave me or even worse lock me up in a loony bin somewhere. But when I told him it was the exact opposite reaction he was so understanding and told me that he couldn’t believe I was going through this all alone and he hugged me and embraced me he doesn’t understand my thoughts but he knows they make me scared and he knows I’m in fear 90% of my day he also told me that I’m a great mom and to remind myself that they’re just thoughts I am more defined by my actions not what I’m thinking. I haven’t done any therapy or any counseling but I do a lot of research about OCD I keep a journal and I try to live in this moment forget about yesterday and not worry about tomorrow. My husband also has OCD which was hard for me to tell him my OCD because I didn’t want to trigger his OCD his OCD is with compulsions and rituals and mine is harm OCD with obsession thinking so let me tell you were always in some crazy cycle loop trying to help each other out. It is it easy For us. But we take it as we’re in this together The reason why I downloaded this app and wanted to join the NOCD community was because I want to bring awareness to other moms who might feel like I feel and I want to break the stigma that there’s something wrong with us I want Mom‘s to be open with their thoughts and break the stigma that we’re bad moms because of our thoughts which is so far from the truth. I had to learn how to be more compassionate with my self which is still a work in progress and finding tools that work for me which changes all the time I’m always looking for a better way for a better outlook to enjoy my day a little bit more than I did yesterday. I have bad days and I have good days when the bad days come along I remind myself that it’s just for the moment and this too shall pass . When I have flares I have to remind myself to love myself more that day take it easy and it’s OK if I have to be alone that day when I have a great day I really try to enjoy me as much as I can and hold my kids closer that day. I also informed my kids what was going on with me and my husband and there was a great video that I watched which was called unstuck it’s mostly about kids with OCD so I thought that was the best way to explain it to them so they can get a better understanding of what mommy and daddy go through on a daily basis because we know that OCD is here to stay we just gotta find better ways for the days. I’m always up open for tips and if anybody just needs to chat this is what I signed on for