I can’t believe I’m a 29 year old woman wit ocd it’s insane to think that majority of ppl are normal and I no there’s other mental illness and other problems but my ocd rituals are rediculous and that’s it there rediculous wat is the reason for this illness that is so crazy that makes a grown woman incapable of takeing care of herself I can’t believe my life sometimes that here I am a smart healthy woman doing wierd stuff just to put clothes on I can’t believe my childhood was taken by this illness even when I was better it was still so hard to just be a kid and go stay the nite at a friends house I’d have to give these things second thoughts like can I go to there house wat bout my dressing ritual can I do it there witout others noing will I even be able to do it in the bathroom really quick and will the other girls do things that I can’t and I have to pretend I’m just not interested just cause my ocd makes me feel like certain things are bad even if I do attend these things will I even be present enough to actually just relax and be normal and enjoy the weekend no school hanging out wit friends will I just be thinking bout all the ocd things I can’t do and go home to do all of them to make up for not being able to do them and that’s the way it usually went my friends being excited for weekends and hanging out packing and unpacking so easily comeing home from a friends house and not a care in the world while I dread comeing home to put my stuff back in it’s place carefully and have to hurry and start the rituals to get ready for bed and for school the next day all while pretending I’m normal it sucks to just pretend I’m always pretending I pretend that I’m just as excited for the weekend and for events when really I’m calculating wat I need to do to preper for the next few days go ahead and do these rituals so you don’t have to do them outside my home wat would happen if I didn’t bring a certain item I mite need to perform a dressing and showering ritual will I not have my hairbrush and be offered by a friend there hair brush and not be able to use it cause of my ocd I always use a regular hair brush wat if there’s is a round barrel brush my ocd thinks there wierd and bad so I’d have to turn it down and make up a reason for not showering would the other girls play makeup and me sit there haveing to pretend I’m just a Tomboy when really my ocd tells me some make up is bad useing brushes to apply makeup is bad all of these rules running threw my head and still sitting there pretending I’m normal always lieing always pretending now I’m an adult wit no childhood and I still see woman excited for the weekend excited to hang out and I’m at home barely able to wash my own hair and shame my own body I don’t feel like a woman I don’t even feel like a person I’m just here existing trying to get threw everyday wit minimal ocd rituals and trying to do the bare minimum just so I don’t have to deal wit the repetiveness of it even if it doesn’t take long to do these things these ways it’s the point of not haveing freedom in my own body to do wat I want to do wat I’m suppose to do as a human being I can’t just do something I gotta prepare and take the time to do things and they have to be done at once no interruptions I can’t stop and eat a bite of food in the kitchen I can’t stop and answer the door I can’t make a tiktok bout the way I do my makeup cause I can’t even touch my phone while doing these things everything’s dirty and everything’s gotta be rinsed off and set in there clean area and packed away seperatly this isn’t a life even though I have a decent life I can’t live it cause I’m not even a person I’m just here.