It’s hard for me to get up and do anything I’m tired all the time I never wanna leave my bed I stay up late and get up late and I can’t just get up early 1 day to go somewere and then go back to this schedule so I make all appointments for really late but it’s still hard to make it to them I feel like I’m scared to get up early Im scared to go outside during the day cause there’s so many ppl so many cars I don’t like seeing the sun I don’t ever really turn on the lites in my house I have insulation things in the windows and curtains I just don’t like it being so bright I’m scared of being tired my anxiety’s worse when I’m tired things are harder to deal wit I’ve had a rough life the past few years which has given me even more fear Im on ssi and can’t afford alot of things so I feel like I have no control over my life cause I don’t have money I can’t do anything witout others help financially and leaveing things up to others and depending on others is really hard to deal wit and I no I need to face my fears and get use to doing things so I can get over the fear of doing stuff but I don’t have the energy for that rite now my life is consumed of ocd I have alot of rituals and other things wit my ocd that are extremely hard to deal wit so doing things to feel more comfortable going outside isn’t my main concern my ocd is I want to work on it and get help but I can’t even get up to go to a doctor and it’s not just a 1 visit thing it’d be monthly visits and then I’d want to see a therapist which would be weekly visits and getting medication if I miss 1 appointment I’ll be out of medication and it causes me so much anxiety constantly be afraid of not haveing medications and missing appointments I wish I could get more than a months medication I wish I could do over the phone therapy and in home therapy I feel like this would help me be comfortable and less stressed and overwhelmed until I could get some thing under control more to were I can function a little bit better I just think trying to do all this stuff at once wit all the stress it causes me I get so overwhelmed and end up messing everything up I feel like noone really understands this I no others stay in bed and stay up late and get up late but I legit can’t just go to bed early 1 day cause I have somewere to go the next day and be normal I couldn’t just go to bed early I can’t just wake up only being in bed for a few hours and be tired cause I just can’t handle it it is to hard for me it’s always been this way even when I was younger I do have insomnia issues i had problems in school and when I had my kids getting up wit them I’ve just always been able to hide that I had been in bed all day I’d eat packets of medications to get rest just something to knock me out when really I think my anxiety is the problem but they make it so hard to get anxiety medication and if you do get it it’s hard to get every month cause your treated as a drug addict I just want a doctor to help me and prescribe me medications for all of my mental illnesses and a therapist that actually cares and helps me wit my ocd I just want to be more normal and have a more normal life I want to make some extra money when I need to I no wat I need to get help and to get better but I can’t get it cause I’m just so messed up rite now and so tired I try to explain to places I can only come in late and tell them the reasons and it’s like noone understands it like I seem so normal to them but they don’t see that I was up all nite nervous bout leaveing the house nervous bout the appointment they didn’t see wat I did to get dressed wats going on in my head just a jumbled mess they just see me in the office not noing I just woke up at it’s 3 o’clock it’s so aggravating and I’ve been dealing wit this kind of stuff for so long that I’m just tired of it things should be easier for ppl.

I don’t know what I can do. I guess this is more of a depression thing than OCD but who knows. I have been battling this ongoing war within myself for years now and it’s been affecting my academic performance. situation of mine right now: I haven’t done a lot of work for my classes this month and I feel like I’m going to fail the semester again. I don’t know what it is but I can never seem to begin any work. I know I am capable but why can’t I get myself to start? why has this been going on for so long? I don’t understand. I have a history of good grades back in high school before I turned 17. I don’t even know how to describe it. it’s like I’ve been paralyzed and cannot do any work. but I can somehow do offside tasks like pinterest boards or random youtube videos. if I get rid of those, what do I do? I end up sleeping. because I’m tired. I have a low vitamin D deficiency & have been trying to get energy. I’m at a loss. I also bought unnecessary stuff on sunday when I went out with my family. I bought some things for the kids and I ended up buying myself a dress and a few accessories. now I have to work extra to gain that money back doing uber eats because I need it asap. it’s like I don’t want to work, for now. my coworkers who are around my age don’t work as much & I think to myself, “wow, they must be getting in the work done” meanwhile I’m working 3 days a week (which isn’t much) and attending school. I feel like if I change my schedule again, I’ll ruin it for the rest of my driver coworkers. I’m in a lead position at work so having to put on a mask is quite tiring. there’s so much I want to say that I don’t think it will fit in this post. I have booked a mental health session with a school counselor. all I want at the moment is to have my own place and be in a better mental state to take care of my cats. they mean a lot to me but this stupid ass undiagnosed mental issue is getting in the way. sorry for the long rant. I am tired.

I’ve come to a point in my life where I can be very happy. I have a safe environment, a loving community. Yknow I’ve really healed through or moved on from a traumatic past and as I say to my boyfriend from time to time like a broken record: I feel like nowadays the only thing bringing me stress or at times misery is myself. I am a fairly joyful person, when I’m comfortable I’m very goofy and like to sing dance and have fun. I find that I relate to so many amazing people I meet that are the nicest, most fun, elevating individuals, who also struggle with the hardest sometime debilitating things. It truly sucks because when I find those moments of peace I see the power of what an ocd mind could be as a person. We are people who may over analyze, but I myself also always find the good in people. And aye if in a moment I don’t think anything is doomly wrong and if I don’t try to understand it I may parish 😅 then that moment feels like the best one in the world. But on the other side of that when I’m not in a quiet mind moment and I’m left with myself to take control of what life in front of me looks like in or around me. I almost have been crumbling. Like I said at the beginning of this story here, the life around me is not so situationally stressful. And it’s also fairly simple. My boyfriend and I live together in a small cozy trailer with our two cats, he works full time very hard and I work part time where I spend as much time as I can working and then have a few days around the house. We’re saving for a home and are quite content with our lifestyle at the moment with work and being “lazy”, or resting and going out for fun now an then on our time off together. Most times though I do have day or two off during the week by myself, which usually goes one of only two ways. Like I said before I do like to work hard, especially now that I have a part time job that’s fairly easier than others I’ve had in the past. So I work 6-7 hours then drive home, air up my tires and wash my car sometimes because I like doing something after work while I still have energy.Or I go to the store. Come home make food, prolly nap and not really worry about too much because I’ve worked all day. But on my days off. I find myself waking up with a lot of anxiety. I usually fight it off by going back to sleep. But my OCD is heavily circled around shame. Even though I only sleep in till 10-11, 12-1 at the latest. I find myself thinking about how wrong (in nice terms) it is to do that. And the funny thing is the older I get (I’m a 21F). I’m not as pressured by this thought, even though it’s still stressful it literally just feels like a thought I can’t escape from. To put things in simple terms. I truly psycho analyze my actions breath by breath and my intrusive thoughts are critiquing those actions bit by bit. I’ve recently have started medication and it was a tremendous difference in the beginning and it helped me cope with the acceptance and letting go (f it or just care less) of those thoughts. But let’s say I forget to take it, or I wake up one morning by myself all day and I’m super tired or unmotivated. That day will feel truly debilitated. And now I’m definitely to the point where I’m battling that, but also have a thin vale behind that where I now know what is going on. And the thoughts are shameful for “not trying to get better or be better” Because I do Like I write a lot, and it truly is one of the best coping mechanisms for working through intrusive or obsessive compulsions. I could also write all day, and if I don’t listen to that ease of the anxiety from writing. And try to keep going the writing will turn into a compulsion itself I feel like I should not stop or critique it as well. But luckily I’ll hopefully find my place in explaining the cycle of what I do when my brain is very loud about things. The next time it’s too loud:)

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.