I started on Remeron yesterday. Earlier today I was hopeful that it would help, but right now I just think that nothing would ever be enough to make me sustainably happy, not that I expect anything to change in the first two days. My gf found my knife the other night and I told her she could keep it so I didn’t cut myself, and well, I kinda want to rn. I feel like as long as the vivid mental movies of her sexual past play in my brain, I can’t be happy. She’s a real trooper for putting up with me, but I feel like I’m kind of a hopeless case.

I’m not in high school. I’m in ERP therapy and I’m not worried that Remeron is changing my personality (I’m not even at therapeutic dosage yet), just that it won’t be enough. I’ve never been a cutter (I’ve tried only a couple times in the past). But for some reason I’ve really wanted to do it a lot lately. I gave the knife to her so I wouldn’t do it in a more coolheaded moments, but a couple times I searched the house for it so I could do it. I know it probably makes me a burden but I was looking for anything that might help and I was willing to try it. Honestly, I’m so exhausted with this obsession. It just doesn’t go away. Whenever I start to feel happy, it shows up and ruins everything and I can’t get back to where I was. I really hope the Remeron helps. I’m desperate.

15 mg/night is not the same as 240 mg in under an hour. I was just giving that warning bc I was in similar straights June last year and I tried doing that, and despite taking a minimum of 15mg a day prior, 240 suddenly messed me up BAD. It wasn't permanent, but the next 24 hours were a weird, bad time, so I just wanted to recommend, you know, not doing that, because it will make every issue so much worse + create new ones.

@excalibre-hotmessexpress Hadn’t even crossed my mind haha. I am very conscientious about following the dr’s instructions.

@CaptainKierkegaard I don’t mean to laugh at that experience though. It sounds shitty and I don’t even want to imagine what that’s like.