Intrusive thoughts of looking up guys doing explicit things and it’s making me feel like I’m going to do it when I dont want to... 😞😞😞

I am starting to come to grips with intrusive thoughts, reading how your brain will think of the worst thing / or make you think of something that really distresses you. BUT, I’ve got something I need to get off my chest, not looking for reassurance but just to know I’m not alone I guess? I remember one time, I saw a girl I follow on Instagram go on a marathon, and then went straight out for dinner after without showering and I had the passing thought of, gosh she must smell, even worse, she must smell down there. That has got to be the worst intrusive thought EVER, and because it affected me so much, I have the urge to think of this horrible horrible thought most times I look at people. Wondering if they smell!!!! It’s disgusting!!!! :( I don’t know if this is because I also have contamination ocd and I do obsess about feeling and being clean.

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh

I struggle so bad with intrusive thoughts. They can be so bad that I'll cry because I KNOW that's not how I feel or want to do. (Too embarrassed to say what they're about) I'll constantly try to figure out why I have them, and constantly figure out what they mean, causing me to constantly circle around and around. I had to get on anxeity meds, which helped a little but the thoughts still happen. How do you help yourself with this? How do you know that you're just not some physcopath? 😅