TW* Having urges to watch gay p*rn, im scared, I dont want to give in but theres very graphic sexual scenarios playing in my head and I know if I watch it ill like it but I dont want to give in man, thats just denial isnt it. I know it.

I deal pretty heavily with this. The last couple days, I’ve had what I think are urges. Something pops into my head intrusively and then what stems from that is me WANTING to just indulge in it even though it’s gross. I get worried bc I used to struggle w thoughts about my dad for a long time until eventually I just purposely thought of him while self pleasuring and got off to it. While that’s something I did, it is NOT me. It all stemmed from my mental health declining a couple years back, I was never this way before. So I get worried that it almost happened or might happen with my pocd cuz I could never live with myself if it did.

Why are things so real the first time they’re in my mind and then when I think about it later it’s easier for me to be like wtf?? I was watching a movie earlier and the young girl had developed more in the chest area than the last movie and I felt the desire to check her out so I did. Then later I let myself imagine her having sex and I liked it. But now looking back I’m like ew. The boys in the movie have also developed as the movie went on and I couldn’t help but think that in their real life they’ve probably woken up to boners and s*men and stuff. And looking back it’s just ugh. Idk if it’s sexual relevance but I genuinely let myself indulge in these thoughts and groinal responses and I remember thinking to myself I don’t want to be attracted to little kids and how do I stop myself (everyone has attractive qualities so in younger boys I see man like qualities). Idk I need help. I wouldn’t type this out if I truly believe I was messed up but I’m still scared

I need help I have a strong urge to look at pornography I consider myself straight although I have jerked off to trans porn before it's just I feel a urge to do it I was in class randomly just had a urge to look at porn I had a response pre ejaculation leaked while I had my eyes on something else I feel so ashamed I need help idk why I had this urge I just did idk what to do someone help I have fucked up thoughts too while looking at it sometimes of minors younger idk what to do I always get the same thoughts of my younger cousin need help