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Last year I used and app to talk about my POCD and people called me a pedo and told me to kill myself. It has been months and I had even forgotten about it, but I talked about my mom yesterday and I feel a sense of doom now. Like, I could have lived my life normally, but this happened. I feel overhelmed, and don't know exactly what to do, cuz when I stop to think about it, it is something awful, but I spend months just not caring, I don't know what to do, it was not even close to the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but it still feels terrible, it keeps echoing in my mind, and It won't go away, and yes I know it is OCD, I just want to let It go. And I lied somethings to my mom cuz if I told the whole truth she would be even more heartbroken (I just didn't say what app it was and I said it was recently, and not months ago) And I feel bad, but now I can't go back, but if I told her the whole truth, she would've just broke down. Basically she thinks it was yesterday and in another app, and I told her I just commented on something. But I feel so bad! I don't want to tell the truth to her, but also, I don't know...

So, I know my capacity to get fixated on things. And it's normally something that's relatively remote but, my latest issue is really getting to me and I was wondering if people have any advice. I'm avoiding getting too into specifics, as I don't want this to get reassurance-y but, in essence.. I came to the realisation recently that people who I'd been "friends" (feels like the wrong term now) when I was younger were not very nice people, and normalized a lot of very unpleasant behaviour towards other members of the group. They really normalized it, sold themselves as figures of authority, as older and more responsible and grown-up than others, and looking back, they acted horribly. And coming to this realisation, that I'd been manipulated into just accepting their behaviour has just... broken me. My OCD has latched onto it and I can't stop feeling irreversibly tainted by it. I've talked to others about it, and they've reassured me, told me it's not a big deal and that I hold myself to too high a standard, but none of that sticks. I feel better for a bit, then think 'Maybe when you told them you were skewing it to make yourself look better' or 'Did you leave out a crucial detail'. I keep ruminating over and over, trying to remember exactly how everything played out, trying to figure out if I fed into the behaviour, if I did something bad myself (because y'know, I feel like I was accepting of it at the time, so what does it say about my own values?). I know I need to stop doing all this if I want to improve, but then some part of me keeps saying 'So, you're just going to let yourself off the hook then?' Normally, I can rationalize my own fears to some degree, assure myself something won't happen, but the realness of the situation, and the fact I only came to understand the reality of it because the thought had been bothering me means it feels so much more all-encompassing. I know confessing in itself is a compulsion, but I keep feeling that if I'm not I'm somehow concealing what I 'really am' from others around me, and any positive interactions are me deceiving them in some way. I feel like I can't enjoy anything in life right now, and a good part of me feels I should not enjoy it ever again. If anybody has any advice on it, I'm all ears. Or even hearing if you relate to these feelings, I might appreciate the solidarity at least.

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!