I am struggling so bad. I want to share my story because I’m just so confused right now. My boyfriend and i have known each other our whole lives. We always had the biggest crush on each other even after i moved away in middle school. We stayed friends and hung out any time i would come visit my hometown. Of course, life happens and we lost communication with each other for years. He joined the army, got married, and had a baby with his ex wife. All in the same time, I was in a with my ex for 3 years. Fast forward to a year and a half ago. Life had this funny way of reconnecting us. We both ended up back in our hometown after years of being away and we both were going through a breakup/separation with our exes. Long story short, at that time i knew we would end up together. It had been a long time coming and i thought our relationship was going to be PERFECT. Boy, was i completely wrong. We both came with a lot of baggage. Him having severe depression and anxiety and me having OCD (which caused a lot of anxiety for me as well) I questioned everything! If he looked at me the wrong way or sighed because he was having a bad day, i automatically assumed it was because of me. I would question him over and over asking if he loved me still or if i did something wrong and for the longest time he would get so frustrated with me because he was dealing with his own demons from past traumatic events on top of dealing with my panic attacks from all of the questions i would ask because my ocd convinced me that everything was all my fault. He would shut me out (i mean for days), he said really mean things to me when he was really drunk or angry, and never opened up to me about anything he was feeling. I prayed for him to be better and to love me the same way i loved him but it just seemed like it would never happen. Of course, over time i got so fed up with feeling like i didn’t mean anything to him (or at least that’s what my mind convinced me) to where i wanted to leave him but all at the same time everything changed on his part. He got the help he needed and he became a much better person. He apologized to me for everything, cried his eyes out, and even opened up to me about the tragedy he experienced to make him so depressed and angry. He has done a complete 180 and has been doing so good for months now. He has shown me SO much love! It’s even shocked the ones around him because he has never been one to open up in that way. Unfortunately, that’s when my ROCD kicked in 100x harder. I used to feel so much love for him and right now I’m struggling with “did i ever really love him?” “Were we ever meant to be if we’ve been through so much already in only a year? A year is not a long time!!!” And so on. I’ve even checked to see how I’ve felt hugging him or kissing him. It’s so exhausting. The thoughts haven’t seemed to stop and i know deep down i want to experience what this relationship could be without all of the negativity that has surrounded it or without all of the intrusive thoughts. That is why i haven’t given up yet but sometimes i get these strong urges to break up (some i have gone through with and ended up back with him because leaving just didn’t seem right). Through all of the craziness that has gone through my mind, he has stuck by my side through it all. I’m so happy he’s done better for himself but now i can’t stop questioning everything. It’s like my mind has only focused on all the negativity instead of realizing this is what I’ve prayed for. I just want to get out of my head and start fresh but my ocd doesn’t allow me to. I feel so lost but deep down i know he is who i want to be with. I have always wanted him and he has always wanted me. I just can’t stop obsessing over what things were like before. I just wish i had a clear mind so i could just move forward with our relationship in a positive way.