Hi all ❤️‍🩹 I’m “kind of” new to this and would greatly appreciate any insight. (Back story) After a panic attack in 2017 I started to experience very random and negative intrusive thoughts towards my significant other. These thoughts affected my every day life for a while, but I was able to keep them under control for the most part. Some of these thoughts consisted of: “What if I don’t actually love my partner?” “Why is my brain telling me I have to leave my partner?” “Am I attracted to my partner?” “I think there is someone out there better for me..” And many many more! Mind you, I was/ still am in a very loving relationship with a wonderful man. After months of these thoughts they didn’t mean so much to me and I was able to return back to my “normal” life with the thoughts only occurring once in a while. Anyway, that was just a bit of background of when I first started to notice symptoms of OCD. Recently, I believe I developed a new theme of OCD; Harm OCD. After accidentally (truthfully accidentally!) eating a THC edible I was thrown into a terrible state of panic, anxiety and paranoia. I was experiencing terrible intrusive thoughts while in the height of the high & now those thoughts have apparently, come to stay. I was on FaceTime with my mom a few days after the incident (at this point I still didn’t feel like myself and was certainly experiencing derealization). A random thought popped into my head, “What if I want to hurt my mom?“ “do I want to hurt my mom?” This thought made me spiral. For the past few days I keep getting these thoughts. When I am around her I am so tense and anxious because I can not even fathom ever hurting the person that means the most to me. These thoughts are quite literally torturing me. I now worry about if I accidentally will harm her because my mind is telling me to, or my mind will cause me to write out a plan to hurt her ( I read that this is what “real” killers would do). Mind you, I have never even hurt and fly and these harm thoughts completely came out of nowhere for me. Truthfully, I believe these are the worst possible thoughts that could have popped into my mind because I love and adore my mom dearly.

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Date posted: 3y

hey! im not a professional or anything but this does sound a lot like OCD to me. I’m so glad that your realtionship persisted though during that experience, that’s amazing! my first onset of ocd also happened with THC, so its not a good friend to me. OCD is ego-dystonic and targets what we value the most so its makes sense thats its come after your partner and now your mother. to be honest the key to fighting OCD, is to approach this new harm OCD in the same vain you did with your relationship ocd. it probably will be more difficult because its such a painful in taboo theme… but i have faith in you

Anxiousminds...

Date posted: 3y

Thank you SO much. You’re right, this will be a more difficult theme for me… it certainly feels worse. It hurts my heart to have these thoughts towards her, especially since she’s always the one I would turn to when I needed a bit of mental relief. Thank you for your response. I have faith in myself.

Anxiousminds...

Date posted: 3y

I’d also like to add that I now feel like I have avoid going home or avoid going near my mom. Is there any way to get over this?

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