My mind has recently been trying to make me feel like i want these thoughts and its scaring the hell outta me. Even now when i pray about getting rid of the thoughts my mind is making me feel like im acting even though ive been praying about getting rid of them for almost 2 years now. I want this to go away so bad..Its making me feel like i shouldn’t be here.

I am a christian guy who grew up in a christian community and family. For as long as i remember, ive had horrible thoughts about all kinds of things that i dont know where to begin. Due to my extreme thoughts, i feel as if i am unworthy of practicing my religioin, such as praying, reading, meditating, etc. I feel ashamed when i go to church, as if i dont belong there because i feel like i am secretely evil, and that God knows i am evil and i am committing blasphemy by going there, and refusing to "repent", from my thoughts. But then again, my thoughts are just thoughts, sure. So whats the problem? - The problem is that in my faith, i have been taught that we must control our thoughts, so they do not get power over us to make us commit sin. Such as "If you think lustfully about a woman, you have already committed adultery with her in your heart". This verse has killed my self esteem, due to the constant unwanted sexual and disturbing thoughts. It makes me feel like a monster, who secretely just wants to abuse and be horrible to people, even though i know very well i do not want this. Sometimes i think horrible things about the people i love very much, such as my girlfriend. It feels so wrong and evil, even though i know it isnt my true will.

I have intrusive thoughts about God. But sometimes it seems like I do think them myself. I don't agree with them. But it's like I get too exhausted to fight anymore, or when my mind calms down, I don't feel right without the thoughts so I think them myself and idk why. I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell.

Why is my mind saying I should say my thoughts out loud and that it will be ok, I don't want to because it goes against my beliefs and it freaks me out because my mind is like you've done this and this an other bad things this can't hurt you, saying it will give you peace and it just randomly started yesterday and idk what to do. It's like I have no will power to want to stop it's like my mind wants me to say it and idk what to do.