After months of no harm ocd, something happened that triggered my anxiety and everything came back, i have unwanted thoughts about suicide. And im googling again about whats the difference between s real suicidal feeling and suicidal ocd... bc these thoughts arent make me just anxious... i start to feel depressed about them... i fight with them too much. Still cant decide and want to know what is this, real or just ocd suicide thoughts...

Its bad bc i dont have energy and its mimicking depression, like i get those thoughts, and i get angry and after many times hopeless bc of them... for years i thought im depressed and suicidal, well still these days idk 100% but i feel guilty about this...

Oh and one more, this is more triggering. I got back bc my brothers coworker died in suicide and that made me feel these feelings like i know what is like to be in a deep place and my mind was like "you will die the same, you felt that yo you were suicidal and you will be, you will die like that" and since then im like this... cant decide what is this...

@woahman It’s hitting you hard bc you had months without a trigger. You know OCD attacks what is so important to us and that creates the struggle in us. This is not about suicide. You have a mental disorder. Just like with me, it’s not about my bf cheating or something terrible happening to my kids. I have a mental disorder. True, I don’t want these things to happen but in reality, they are not happening like my mind tries to convince me. Stop going down the rabbit hole of these thoughts and feelings, stop ruminating, it’s a compulsion which means we stop it. The initial thought is what we can’t control and let in but the over analyzing, the figuring out, that’s ruminating. Act as everything is safe. Pay attention to whatever is going on in front of you now, no matter how boring it is, decide to give it your full attention. And when your mind is throwing more doubt and uncertainty at you, welcome it, embrace it. Say this is how I’m going to beat you ocd! If we strip the story from the feelings of uncertainty, we can sit with it and it will pass. And yes, it will try again and again bc it’s ocd. So we do it again and again. We get stronger and ocd gets weaker.

@LisaP99 Trying to do that, its hard bc i deal with feelings to that say "this isnt ocd, this thoughts and feelings might be true, maybe i felt like that" and then idk if this is fake memory but it says that i felt like that, then im trying to figure out if really but if i dont do it then i feel depressed bc i feel that its true... i still deal with this, i cant decide if its real feelings or not. But if someone says" it might be real ones, go talk with someone" just make me feel worse...

@woahman But these are ppl don’t know how manipulative ocd is. You do, I do. And this thought or question “this is not ocd, this is your true feelings” - that’s another line and hook that ocd is throwing out to you. If you have read posts here, it’s a common trick of ocd. I know, I know, it’s pulling from details from your life to piece together the perfect story that seems impossible for you to call it B.S. I will go my sister and tell her the thoughts and every little detail of why it’s true and I can see in her face she’s not sure what to say bc she knows I have a disorder. However when I tell my ocd therapist the stories, she shrugs her shoulders and says “maybe… maybe” showing how dismissive I should be. It’s annoying as hell bc it’s so important to me! But who is right in that situation? I want my therapist to take my ocd thoughts and feelings seriously and have her help in solving them. She doesn’t want to spend time figuring out a story my ocd conjured up, she doesn’t want to reassure me bc that’s enabling the disorder. They are just thoughts and feelings so we don’t spend time and energy on them. You have a mental disorder that has this theme bc it works, works very well. These stories work well with you like mine work well on me. Stop going to the imaginary world. When it starts, say “nope I’m not going there” and decide to pay attention to what’s happening in the present. Uncertainty is going to hit you hard then but you just let it come in without ruminating or reassurance seeking, it’s okay to feel uncertain. And you sit with it, say “ I want this feeling bc this means beating you, ocd!” Your amygdala will eventually stand down. I know you’re in a lot pain, I’m sorry for that

@LisaP99 Thank you for the comments, i really really appreciate it!❤ I feel better today bc at morning i did compulsion/reassurance which means that i googled about suicidal/harm ocd to know the symptoms and thoughts so i can calm myself. And i do this everytime when i have this, without this i feel like i cant do it, i will fall into depression... but hopefully somehow i will go through it again without reassurance

@woahman It’s so, so hard! Are you seeing a therapist who specializes in ERP? I ask that way bc therapists who don’t specialize in ERP can unknowingly do some harm. Also, a resource I’ve found helpful lately is an online course from Dr Reid Wilson. I bought it bc my family was urging me to seek more intensive therapy but I couldn’t drop out of my life for weeks.

@LisaP99 I was in therapy last year but they saw this as a danger and just made me feel worse about this... people know little about ocd in my country... i will search about what you said

@woahman I think it’s crazy how little most therapist know about it! :) Good luck. (If you’re interested, not trying to pressure you bc even though it helped me a lot, not sure what’s your journey… I purchased the online course for $60 on sale but I think the regular price is $75. It’s entitled ocd & 6-moment game: strategies & tactics.)

@LisaP99 I made the other person feel bad bc she deleted all the comments she wrote, even in other posts...

@woahman I don’t think you were trying to be mean. You’re in the thick of it and it was a trigger. She was trying to help by telling you how to differentiate between the two but I understand how the last part was a trigger. I’ve been blocked on here before and it hurt my feelings but after time passes, it’s just something that happens. Don’t let it add to your stress today. Easier said than done.

@LisaP99 Thats the thing, if i try to diffetentiate it my mind makes it seem like this is a true danger...makes stories about it... i tried it and i fallen more into the rabbit hole... thinking about it, reading how a suicidal thought feels like make me feel the same... i try to avoid that

@woahman Yes that’s very true! U get even more confused and feels torturous.

@LisaP99 So after a day, i had a thought about if something happens what i dont like, i will kill myself bc then everything will be hopeless... since then i got into something like depression, bc im disapointed at myself. Bc i dont think this is ocd, i feel this was real suicidal thought bc of wanting to escape from suffering, and its makes me feel so disapointed at myself and i just lost respect of myself bc of it... how i could think that..

@woahman I’m sorry my friend. Be compassionate to yourself. Please stop building on the details and content of this imaginary world that ocd has created. I know the never ending trap.

@LisaP99 Hi sorry for bothering you again, i want to ask something. I remember that i had vivid thoughts and pictures about hurting myself that maked me paralyzed in bed. Idk how to decsribe them,like in the movies when someone get a ptsd attack, but for me it was these vivid harm thoughts that shocked and scared me. And it just makes me scared more bc ocd is "what if i do that" and in here it wasnt a what if, just these pictures and my mind telling me those things... it wasnt any what if... and now im scared of what was that...is that ocd too?

@woahman OCD can be thoughts, images or urges. And often I’m frozen too. I’ll be screaming in my head “move!” but it’s part of the fight, flight or freeze response. You can thank your amygdala for that. There’s not always a “what if”. Mine are usually definite, this is going to happen!! Or is happening!! Once my therapist asked me to tell her one of my ocd stories from top to bottom, she wrote it down. Afterwards she looked at it and said “I don’t see the uncertainty”. Because I was so used to believing ocd, I was so definite it was going to happen.

@LisaP99 I didnt meant like i get frozen, i meant like i had flashing pictures and thoughts about harming, and made my body tremble, its like when someone has ptsd attack and the memories comes back. I had thoughts and pictures like that, flashing ones... It really felt like im going crazy and i will do it...

@woahman I feel for you. I understand what you’re going through. I had a bad day yesterday so I gotta be really careful today to not get sucked into ocd’s stories. I’m probably going to stay off my phone a lot today bc checking my phone is a compulsion of mine. I gotta be careful to follow my rules, not ocd rules.

@woahman Try to ignore the specifics, stay in the present moment & when uncertainty comes after ignoring the specifics of the story, embrace it. You will be fine feeling uncertain. If you don’t do compulsions, mental and physical, your system will calm down but I think your mental compulsions are really fueling everything right now

People should now that those who suffers with suicidal ocd, they will get more triggered about this, just makes more thoughts and doubts about themself... i didnt even read the whole thing bc i know where is going... it just made us be triggered more...

@woahman I just think its stupid to say someone who has suicidal ocd that "if you think youre in danger, call that suicide hotline" well idk if im in danger, i feel like it, thats how ocd is...

I know you just wanted to help me but this gave me more questions and thoughts